I'd imagine the guy whose record he broke was rather upset. He's no longer a world record holder - just some d-bag who let a bunch of these awful things in and around his mouth.
3 years ago
3.31.2009
Move Over, The Rock...
...there's a new Scorpion King in town. He goes by Majed Elmalk, and he happens to hold the world record for putting scorpions in his mouth.
I'd imagine the guy whose record he broke was rather upset. He's no longer a world record holder - just some d-bag who let a bunch of these awful things in and around his mouth.
I'd imagine the guy whose record he broke was rather upset. He's no longer a world record holder - just some d-bag who let a bunch of these awful things in and around his mouth.
Max Making Mischief
Most of you have probably already seen the trailer for Spike Jonze's upcoming film, Where the Wild Things Are, based on the Cheeze-reading-level-approved book of the same name.
If you've already seen it, watch it again. It really is a phenomenal trailer - complete with a re-recorded version of Arcade Fire's "Wake Up".
If you've already seen it, watch it again. It really is a phenomenal trailer - complete with a re-recorded version of Arcade Fire's "Wake Up".
3.30.2009
He's Not Awful
In many ways, we're similar - particularly the golf swing. And the upper-body strength.
3.26.2009
3.25.2009
Hey, it's that guy that no one likes!
If you're anything like Cheeze (that is to say fond of dragons, large women, and JNCOs; and averse to the basic tenets of general hygiene, hitting a golf ball further than 85 yards, and wearing sandals without socks) then you probably have a hard time meeting the right person.
Whether you are too shy or just haven't brushed your teeth in a week, striking up a conversation or simply getting noticed, for that matter, is a problem in and of itself. Afraid she'll be turned off by what appears to be a mini Tootsie Roll behind your fly? Relax, Cheeze - your days of horrendous water-cooler faux pas are surely over. Just think how she'll react when she sees you walking into your place of employment surrounded by hordes of fake paparazzi!
For a price as low as $729.99, your average Z-lister — yes, that means you and me — can experience what it’s like to be the subject of a media melee. Companies such as Celeb 4 a Day can turn the average Joe into Joe Jonas, as a pack of people with cameras follow the paying customer for at least 30 minutes, leaving surrounding onlookers wondering: Who is that star?
That’s what a few people were wondering in a trendy neighborhood in downtown Manhattan recently as I got the Celeb 4 a Day treatment. You might ask — why would anyone pay to be hounded by cameras?
Read all about it here.
What kind of terrible society is this that the above companies exist, and Cheeze hasn't made it past 2nd base in 8 years? (of course, that's the literal 2nd base in his PC baseball simulator - the pitching is so real! As for the touching of boobs in life? Scoff).
Link courtesy of TLyttle, Cheeze's looks courtesy of mating gone wrong
Whether you are too shy or just haven't brushed your teeth in a week, striking up a conversation or simply getting noticed, for that matter, is a problem in and of itself. Afraid she'll be turned off by what appears to be a mini Tootsie Roll behind your fly? Relax, Cheeze - your days of horrendous water-cooler faux pas are surely over. Just think how she'll react when she sees you walking into your place of employment surrounded by hordes of fake paparazzi!
For a price as low as $729.99, your average Z-lister — yes, that means you and me — can experience what it’s like to be the subject of a media melee. Companies such as Celeb 4 a Day can turn the average Joe into Joe Jonas, as a pack of people with cameras follow the paying customer for at least 30 minutes, leaving surrounding onlookers wondering: Who is that star?
That’s what a few people were wondering in a trendy neighborhood in downtown Manhattan recently as I got the Celeb 4 a Day treatment. You might ask — why would anyone pay to be hounded by cameras?
Read all about it here.
What kind of terrible society is this that the above companies exist, and Cheeze hasn't made it past 2nd base in 8 years? (of course, that's the literal 2nd base in his PC baseball simulator - the pitching is so real! As for the touching of boobs in life? Scoff).
Link courtesy of TLyttle, Cheeze's looks courtesy of mating gone wrong
3.23.2009
Stevie
A virtuoso (from Italian virtuoso, late Latin virtuosus, Latin virtus meaning: skill, manliness, excellence) is an individual who possesses outstanding technical ability at singing or playing a musical instrument.
Requisite joke - "Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new (singular noun)? Neither has he." (AND THE FOUL!)
All blind jokes aside, this man is arguably one of the most talented musicians this world has ever seen. And coincidentally, these are my two favorite songs of his.
Requisite joke - "Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new (singular noun)? Neither has he." (AND THE FOUL!)
All blind jokes aside, this man is arguably one of the most talented musicians this world has ever seen. And coincidentally, these are my two favorite songs of his.
Results and a Hot Woman
So you lot have once again shown your true colors: a bunch of borderline racists who prefer golf and a hot Swedish wife to basketball and the adoration of a terrible city in Ohio.
In other news today, Bruce Willis got married to an absolute smokeshow. Apparently her name is Emma Heming, which sounds very made-up. Good for you, McClane.
In other news today, Bruce Willis got married to an absolute smokeshow. Apparently her name is Emma Heming, which sounds very made-up. Good for you, McClane.
3.19.2009
Most Magical Time of the Year
The best 4 sports days of the year get underway in less than an hour. My childhood is riddled with tourney favorites, but the below is right up there. I remember getting home from school in 8th grade and watching the end of this game by myself. And screaming. Geeking out. You name it.
Bryce Drew, Valpo, Ole Miss, coach's son, 13 seed over a 4 seed. Magic.
They practiced this play - called it "Pacer." It sure worked out.
Today, starting at 12:20, I implore you to say, screw the man and follow all the action.
Bryce Drew, Valpo, Ole Miss, coach's son, 13 seed over a 4 seed. Magic.
They practiced this play - called it "Pacer." It sure worked out.
Today, starting at 12:20, I implore you to say, screw the man and follow all the action.
3.18.2009
Hate is strong word...but an apt one.
Just in time for the dance tomorrow, here is the Big Lead's Top Five Hated Players in the tourney. I would have to put Hansbrough as the number 1 seed - few things in this life are worse than he.
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1. Eric Devendorf, Syracuse. Allegedly hit a female student in face late last year, and was nearly suspended for the entire season by the University. The neck tattoos don’t help, nor does the endless preening after three-pointers. Great shooter, but his antics at the Big East tournament vaulted him to the top spot. The word “punk” definitely applies.
2. Tyler Hansbrough, UNC. Hated because the media fawns over him (Jay Bilas going down on him at the end of the Louisville Elite 8 game last year may have been the tipping point), and because he seems to get all of the calls from the refs. Guilt-by-success seems to apply here.
3. Greg Paulus, Duke. Probably had this honor the last few years. He’s in the same mold as Chris Collins and Steve Wojo. Spunky, undersized, and a streaky shooter. Except he’s not nearly as good. It didn’t help that Dick Vitale was hyping this kid since his high school days (sort of like how Beano Cook hyped Ron Powlus at Notre Dame), and then he showed up on campus and basically underachieved in the first three years (3-3 in the NCAA tournament), and then lost his starting job this year. There’s no way this guy was the 11th best high school recruit in 2005.
4. Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. Talked some junk in the offseason about Harangody and Hansbrough, which didn’t endear him to many, especially since he really hadn’t accomplished anything. Then, the 7-foot-3 center backed up his play with a strong season - he was the co-Player of the Year in the Big East - but notoriously flopped head-to-head against the much shorter DeJuan Blair of Pitt. Most folks chuckle at the idea of Thabeet being considered a top three pick in the 2009 draft; people relish calling him a bust and overrated.
5. Jon Scheyer, Duke. There’s a website dedicated exclusively to the many faces he makes. If you ask Maryland fans whom they hate most, Scheyer may be No. 1 … perhaps on the level of JJ Redick.
----------------------
1. Eric Devendorf, Syracuse. Allegedly hit a female student in face late last year, and was nearly suspended for the entire season by the University. The neck tattoos don’t help, nor does the endless preening after three-pointers. Great shooter, but his antics at the Big East tournament vaulted him to the top spot. The word “punk” definitely applies.
2. Tyler Hansbrough, UNC. Hated because the media fawns over him (Jay Bilas going down on him at the end of the Louisville Elite 8 game last year may have been the tipping point), and because he seems to get all of the calls from the refs. Guilt-by-success seems to apply here.
3. Greg Paulus, Duke. Probably had this honor the last few years. He’s in the same mold as Chris Collins and Steve Wojo. Spunky, undersized, and a streaky shooter. Except he’s not nearly as good. It didn’t help that Dick Vitale was hyping this kid since his high school days (sort of like how Beano Cook hyped Ron Powlus at Notre Dame), and then he showed up on campus and basically underachieved in the first three years (3-3 in the NCAA tournament), and then lost his starting job this year. There’s no way this guy was the 11th best high school recruit in 2005.
4. Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. Talked some junk in the offseason about Harangody and Hansbrough, which didn’t endear him to many, especially since he really hadn’t accomplished anything. Then, the 7-foot-3 center backed up his play with a strong season - he was the co-Player of the Year in the Big East - but notoriously flopped head-to-head against the much shorter DeJuan Blair of Pitt. Most folks chuckle at the idea of Thabeet being considered a top three pick in the 2009 draft; people relish calling him a bust and overrated.
5. Jon Scheyer, Duke. There’s a website dedicated exclusively to the many faces he makes. If you ask Maryland fans whom they hate most, Scheyer may be No. 1 … perhaps on the level of JJ Redick.
AD > Everything
Our love for Arrested Development here at AU knows no bounds. If, for whatever reason, you never watched the show, that's okay - the DVDs are the best investment you'll ever make. On the other hand, if you've watched AD and don't care for it, please fling yourself off the roof of the nearest 10+ floor structure.
It is the single greatest television show of all time. Enjoy a clip, why don't you?
It is the single greatest television show of all time. Enjoy a clip, why don't you?
3.17.2009
Tunage
Cool live recording of Radiohead performing "Reckoner" - a single off their 2007 album In Rainbows.
Disregard the first 25 or so seconds of utter creepiness. No one ever said they were sane.
Disregard the first 25 or so seconds of utter creepiness. No one ever said they were sane.
A Proud Father
Congratulations, reader. For the first time in our storied history, the poll results concur with my voting. I know for a fact that Cheeze voted the other way, namely because he is constantly sending me links to the hottest new beach-themed apparel that Hollister has to offer, presumably seeking my approval. Not only that, but his life partner, Reginald, is horribly averse to lacrimation.
Give me tears. I'll gladly shed them in lieu of entering this ridiculous place.
Give me tears. I'll gladly shed them in lieu of entering this ridiculous place.
3.16.2009
Out of Control
So Fox Soccer Channel has this show called Fan Zone, where they show a replay of a recently played match, but rather than listening to the commentators, you get an unbelievably biased, maniacal supporter of each team providing the play-by-play. Needless to say, their heavy accents and general outrageousness make for fantastic television.
This past weekend was especially grand as your author's squad sealed an incredible away victory at the home of Manchester United, to the tune of 4-1. Because I hate United and this makes me smile, below is the reaction of the respective fans during the critical moments. High comedy.
This past weekend was especially grand as your author's squad sealed an incredible away victory at the home of Manchester United, to the tune of 4-1. Because I hate United and this makes me smile, below is the reaction of the respective fans during the critical moments. High comedy.
3.13.2009
3.12.2009
Lunch!
If you hurry to the store, you can procure all the necessary items to make the following creation before lunchtime. As always, these eating disorder-inducing meals are courtesy of ThisIsWhyYou'reFat.com.
Meet the Porkgasm. Bacon strips, bacon sausage, ham sausage, ham slices, smoked pork sausage and roasted pork belly surrounded by ground sausage shaped into a pig, wrapped in bacon and roasted. Garnished with chili ears and tail.
I'd imagine this is what your intestines look like.
Meet the Porkgasm. Bacon strips, bacon sausage, ham sausage, ham slices, smoked pork sausage and roasted pork belly surrounded by ground sausage shaped into a pig, wrapped in bacon and roasted. Garnished with chili ears and tail.
I'd imagine this is what your intestines look like.
You Disgust Me
Yes, you. By a margin of more than 2 to 1, you, dear reader, have opted for inhumane behavior over delicious feline meat.
This story, for example, details the lengths to which some savvy restauranat proprietors will go to ensure only the finest meat is served.
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This story, for example, details the lengths to which some savvy restauranat proprietors will go to ensure only the finest meat is served.
----------------------
Cat Fight Over China's Feline Meat Trade
"It cost me seven Renminbi a pound," a man told me, pointing at a hessian sack. He had paid about 70p for cat meat at a southern China market.As we chatted, the bag seemed to move by itself, emitting a plaintive 'meowing' sound.
The man had just bought four live cats, which he told me he had served up later that day to diners in his restaurant.
In China, the trade in live cat meat is thriving. By some estimates, 10 000 cats are sold and eaten every day in one city alone - mainly served up as kebabs or in Chinese-style hotpot.
------------------------------
The rest of that awesome article is here.
3.09.2009
Dog humor > cat anything
It's generally a good rule of thumb to ignore mass, forwarded emails from you mother when thinking of blog fodder, but this was particularly adorable.
3.06.2009
Spring Collection, Part 1
If you purchase one badass, tough motherf*cking article of clothing this spring, that is guaranteed to get you laid, let it be a pair of these:
"Simple and durable, these stonewashed seven-pocket cargo shorts are made from a lightweight denim that is perfect for spring."
Known in some circles as the "Gravity Accelerators," for the speed with which women's undergarments are dropped when brought in direct contact with these shorts, they are a must-have.
Honest to God, I have yet to not get laid whilst wearing these babies, whether it be at the locale watering hole, the gym, Subway, Blockbuster, etc. The list literally goes on and on. Oh yeah, there was that 3-way at the NASCAR race as well.
And for those with the means and testicular fortitude, might I suggest splurging on the matching visor seen below.
"Simple and durable, these stonewashed seven-pocket cargo shorts are made from a lightweight denim that is perfect for spring."
Known in some circles as the "Gravity Accelerators," for the speed with which women's undergarments are dropped when brought in direct contact with these shorts, they are a must-have.
Honest to God, I have yet to not get laid whilst wearing these babies, whether it be at the locale watering hole, the gym, Subway, Blockbuster, etc. The list literally goes on and on. Oh yeah, there was that 3-way at the NASCAR race as well.
And for those with the means and testicular fortitude, might I suggest splurging on the matching visor seen below.
Music to listen to whilst you eat your ham sandwich at your cube, alone
Band of Horses - The Great Salt Lake
Doves - Snowden
3.05.2009
"This doesn't taste like Mommy's PB&J"
When I was 12, I was eagerly anticipating the onset of puberty. In retrospect, my eagerness could have been toned down a notch, given that I still had 7-8 long years ahead of me.
When David Fishman was 12, which is right now, he was quickly becoming one of the most popular food critics in Manhattan.
Sounds about right.
Ridiculous article here.
When David Fishman was 12, which is right now, he was quickly becoming one of the most popular food critics in Manhattan.
Sounds about right.
Ridiculous article here.
The Best There Is
This is hardly breaking news, but Late Night with Conan O'Brien had it's final episode almost 2 weeks ago. I think I speak for anyone with a half a brain and/or a sense of humor when I say that he is far and away the best late-night host around. His combination of razor-sharp wit and self-deprecating humor has placed him head and shoulders above the likes of Leno (deliveries are awful, the writing may even be worse), Letterman (better than Leno, but that is like saying herpes is better than HIV), Ferguson (not awful, not good), Daly (honestly - has this guy ever said a funny word? at any point? why did they think he would be a good late-night talk show host? TRL viewers are in bed long before he comes on).
So Conan moves to the West Coast and takes over the coveted 11:30 spot from Leno on NBC. It will be interesting, to say the least. I'm hopeful that his brand of ridiculousness (i.e., the masturbating bear) will be tolerated an hour earlier and he won't lose any of his edge.
In any event, here's to you Conan. Below is his last episode, if you happen to have 45 minutes handy.
EDIT: It occurs to me I didn't mention the Jimmy's - Kimmel and Fallon, that is. I've never been that high on Jimmy Kimmel. When I was 14, I thought the Man Show was funny, but he has never really done it for me. I've seen various clips of his that I think are pretty good, but if I'm honest, he's a wash (despite good ratings, apparently). As for Conan's replacement, the latter Jimmy, color me skeptical with a dark brush. Jimmy's shtick is very limited and I'm not sure it will translate well to a hosting role. Granted, he was occasionally really good on SNL, and I thought Weekend Update with him was solid, although it was him reading from a script. It will be interesting to see how he does on his feet with guests (where Conan shined).
So Conan moves to the West Coast and takes over the coveted 11:30 spot from Leno on NBC. It will be interesting, to say the least. I'm hopeful that his brand of ridiculousness (i.e., the masturbating bear) will be tolerated an hour earlier and he won't lose any of his edge.
In any event, here's to you Conan. Below is his last episode, if you happen to have 45 minutes handy.
EDIT: It occurs to me I didn't mention the Jimmy's - Kimmel and Fallon, that is. I've never been that high on Jimmy Kimmel. When I was 14, I thought the Man Show was funny, but he has never really done it for me. I've seen various clips of his that I think are pretty good, but if I'm honest, he's a wash (despite good ratings, apparently). As for Conan's replacement, the latter Jimmy, color me skeptical with a dark brush. Jimmy's shtick is very limited and I'm not sure it will translate well to a hosting role. Granted, he was occasionally really good on SNL, and I thought Weekend Update with him was solid, although it was him reading from a script. It will be interesting to see how he does on his feet with guests (where Conan shined).
3.04.2009
Somewhere, Bear Grylls is smiling
Well this thing is mighty cool, especially for those of you who actually leave the couch to do more than refill your Mountain Dew during World of Warcraft breaks (coughCheeze).
With one zip and two clips, it changes from a jacket to a rucksack that can carry your extra gear (read: beers, unfiltered Marlboro Reds, and various camouflage apparel).
The RuckJack
With one zip and two clips, it changes from a jacket to a rucksack that can carry your extra gear (read: beers, unfiltered Marlboro Reds, and various camouflage apparel).
The RuckJack
3.03.2009
Crazy Asians are at it again!
You guessed it, it's Chinese Stunt Week at the Cherry Blossom Festival in Guangzhou, China! Below are some of the more grotesque images.
This guy is trying to break steal wire with special breathing techniques. I would have gone with the wire cutters. Definitely wire cutters.
How else would you pull a car? With your arms or legs?! Scoff. Eyelids is the way to go. That's eyelids.
Last but not least - this particular gentleman thought it wise to let a snake crawl betwixt his nose/mouth. I hope it laid eggs in his sinus cavity and each time he blows his nose, a baby snake comes flying out. Like a party favor, only deadly.
In fact, it brings to mind another picture...
This guy is trying to break steal wire with special breathing techniques. I would have gone with the wire cutters. Definitely wire cutters.
How else would you pull a car? With your arms or legs?! Scoff. Eyelids is the way to go. That's eyelids.
Last but not least - this particular gentleman thought it wise to let a snake crawl betwixt his nose/mouth. I hope it laid eggs in his sinus cavity and each time he blows his nose, a baby snake comes flying out. Like a party favor, only deadly.
In fact, it brings to mind another picture...
The colossal prick even managed to sound magnanimous
I love Thomas Newman. You may know his name from seeing it below the "Original Score by" line in some of the best movies of the past few decades. Just have a look at some of the beauties that Newman has been responsible for:
1998: Meet Joe Black
1999: American Beauty
1999: The Green Mile
2001: Six Feet Under
2002: Road to Perdition
2005: Cinderella Man
2008: WALL-E
2008: Revolutionary Road
And while these are all brilliant in their own right, none of them hold a candle to my personal favorite: the original score for The Shawkshank Redemption. While I could write about this film for hours on end, I'll stick to just the music for now. Below are two of my favorite scenes.
Suds on the Roof (music actually starts at 3:30 or so, but the entire thing is amazing)
Final Scene
Best of luck not tearing up.
1998: Meet Joe Black
1999: American Beauty
1999: The Green Mile
2001: Six Feet Under
2002: Road to Perdition
2005: Cinderella Man
2008: WALL-E
2008: Revolutionary Road
And while these are all brilliant in their own right, none of them hold a candle to my personal favorite: the original score for The Shawkshank Redemption. While I could write about this film for hours on end, I'll stick to just the music for now. Below are two of my favorite scenes.
Suds on the Roof (music actually starts at 3:30 or so, but the entire thing is amazing)
Final Scene
Best of luck not tearing up.
3.02.2009
Eat this, then run for 7 years straight
And you'll be back at square one. From everyone's favorite gag-inducing site, This Is Why You're Fat, comes the 30,000 Calorie Sandwich.
"Sandwich filled with ground beef, bacon, corn dogs, ham, pastrami, roast beef, bratwurst, braunschweiger and turkey, topped with fried mushrooms, onion rings, swiss/provolone/cheddar/feta/parmesan cheeses, lettuce and butter on a loaf white bread."
"Sandwich filled with ground beef, bacon, corn dogs, ham, pastrami, roast beef, bratwurst, braunschweiger and turkey, topped with fried mushrooms, onion rings, swiss/provolone/cheddar/feta/parmesan cheeses, lettuce and butter on a loaf white bread."
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