Friday Tunage

The Decemberists are an awesome band, namely because of their lead singer/songwriter Colin Meloy. This guy weaves some wonderful harmonies with crazy, historical references. This song, Sixteen Military Wives, "focuses primarily on the news media and popular response to the war, particularly levying criticism at infotainment and the surface-level involvement of celebrities in public affairs." It's cool, and rather catchy.

Decemberists – Sixteen Military Wives

The Last Shadow Puppets is the brainchild of Arctic Monkeys frontman, Alex Turner, and Miles Cane of the Rascals. It can be argued that they rely mainly on Turner's absurd popularity to parlay this new project towards success, but they have some inherent catchiness, I feel. Have a listen.

Last Shadow Puppets - Age of the Understatement

Opportunity Squandered

Mere moments ago, as I entered the facilities on the floor to relieve myself, I wasted one of the great chances in recent memory to eff with a coworker.

You see, the urinals in this particular bathroom are adjacent to the stalls. There was a gentleman in the stall closet to my favorite urinal, pants around ankles, presumably feeling the after effects of yet another sub-par attempt at TexMex from his trophy housewife (she had all day to come up with something, and she chose tacos?! I mean really). In any event, with his pants resting comfortably against the tile, so too was his ID badge - fully displaying his name.

Mind you, I had no clue who Michael J. Coworker was previously. But I did at that point.

What should have transpired:

Me, whilst relieving myself: (sniffs briefly followed by a long, full-body inhalation) Michael, is that you?! I know that smell anywhere!
MJC: (sweats, panics)

What actually went down:

Me: (pee, leave)
MJC: (checking work email on the can)

I suck.

I've never felt less athletic in my life

Disregard the first 45 seconds or so, then just watch this dude jump out of the effing gym.

Champions League, Day 2

Round of 16 1st legs continue today with the last 8 locking horns across Europe.

As for yesterday's result, I misfired on 3, although the bulls eye was hit with my 1-1 prediction for Lyon/Barca.

Chelsea v Juventus

Prediction 1-0

Villareal v Panathinaikos

Prediction 2-1

Sporting Lisbon v Bayern Munich

Prediction 1-1

And the fixture of the day...

LIVERPOOL FC v Real Madrid

Prediction 1-1

But more importantly:

His armband proved he was a Red, Torres! Torres!
"You'll never walk alone," it said, Torres! Torres!
We bought the lad from sunny Spain
He gets the ball, he scores again
Fernando Torres, Liverpool's number 9!



Good luck getting that song out of your head.

You'll Never Walk Alone.

Let's do laps - you start

The Chileans have it figured out. On the central coast of Chile, at the San Alfonso del Mar resort, to be specific. What about having a dip in this pool?













Meet the 1,000 metre long, 19-acre monstrosity that uses water from the Pacific, then filters. Built by Fernando Fischmann, it officially is awesome.

Tunage

Two music videos to break up your Tuesday.

The first is a fairly ridiculous effort from MGMT. It's called "Time to Pretend" and is a cool tune from a cool band.



This second is the first single off of Doves new album, which apparently doesn't come out until April. This is "Kingdom of Rust."

Champions League Round of 16

This afternoon sees the 1st leg of the Round of 16 in the premier European club competition kick off - none other than the Champions League. For those of you unfortunate enough to not be familiar, it's the equivalent of...hmm, actually, nothing we have in this country can even compare.

Today's ties are as follows:

Inter Milan v Manchester United - Arguably the most mouth-watering fixture of the competition thus far, both of these clubs are enjoying sizable leads atop their respective leagues. Hard to find much between the two of them, but United's injuries at the back may take their toll, especially with the first leg at the San Siro in Milan.

Prediction 2-1

Arsenal v AS Roma - At this point last year, these two teams were hitting their stride and finding 3 points with regularity. Nowadays, the goals are harder to come by and they are finding themselves further from the top of their tables than in quite some time. Roma are sure to be buoyed by the return of their captain Francesco Totti, while the Gunners will have to find some quality in the final third (I'm looking at you, Robin Van Persie). I see a wide-open contest with chances aplenty.

Prediction 2-2

Lyon v Barcelona - Barca are enjoying the form you dream of as a footballer. Despite a loss this past weekend to Espanyol, they feature the most explosive and loaded starting XI on the planet who are never short on creativity. Lyon are an interesting bunch - the French champions feature one of the most promising youngsters in the world in Karim Benzema, and the set-piece brilliance of Juninho. I think they will prove to be a more difficult challenge than Barca would like.

Prediction 1-1

Atletico Madrid v FC Porto - Atletico have seen their spot in the league drop like a stone because of a recent string of poor results. Fortunately, they are always capable of finding goals in bunches, mostly thanks to wonder kid Sergio Aguero. Porto, the 2004 CL Winners, are once again atop the Portugese Liga. The best thing about them is their hulking striker who goes by - you guessed it - Hulk. You can't make this stuff up.

Prediction 0-1

Now, for those are still aren't in the mood for world-class soccer, this should help.

Top goals from this past winter

superb goals vol 4

If you call it beirut, I hope you get the herp

According to the Daily Collegian, undoubtedly the most reputable of all online publications, the playing of beer pong by humans aged 17-21 has led to a steady, and rather unbelievable rise in herpes. Not just any rise, but upwards of 230-percent.

This study may or may not have been conducted by the nerds who keep losing to me in pong, and want the game's popularity to wane to the point where Dungeons and Dragons becomes choice No. 1 (and not just in Cheeze's mom's basement).

Read all about it here, and color me skeptical.

It's fate

Lay Off Me, I'm Starving

BREAKING NEWS: This country is filled with fat slobs. And what do fat slobs like to do? If you guessed exercise, you are dense. Eat, that's what. And not just regular, run-of-the-mill meals like the majority of humans consume. Some of the concoctions are heinous enough to make me want to give up blowing my nose in the shower (scoff, that will never happen).

Thankfully, there is a site devoted solely to the aforementioned foodstuffs. I present to you, This Is Why You're Fat.

Some of my favorites:

Hmm, smells like some of Grandma's famous hot dog pie!











This one is just grotesque. An effing junk food pizza (large meat pizza covered in potato skins, mozzarella sticks, mini tacos, jalapeno poppers, and onion rings). Pardon me whilst I jam the nearest pen into my eyes.















And finally, the coup de grace - bacon-wrapped meatloaf with a layer of mac and cheese. You actually gain about 13 lbs by just looking at this picture.















I suggest perusing the site to find some great recipes to cook for your special girl, boy, or chimp Travis.

Point, Counter Point - Terrible Movies

Cheeze: Shoot em Up. Paul Giamatti doesn't do it for me as a hit man. I didn't make it through ten minutes of this movie. After Clive Owen delivered a baby in the midst of a gun fight, and then severed the umbilical cord by shooting it, I did not think it could get much worse. I turned it off. Indiana Jones - Crystal Skull. It was not like this movie was unbearable by any means. It was so-so, with a terrible ending. It is the comparison to the other Indiana Jones' that makes this movie one of the worst.

B Harris: It's funny because I have only seen bits and pieces of Shoot em Up. Granted, it was sufficient viewing to appall, but not enough to pass judgment on the whole. As for Crystal Skull, yes, it was stupid. In fact, it was downright shameful, especially since us fans of the series were forced to wait 19 years for the next installment. Whatever, George Lucas still sleeps on a pile of money with many beautiful women.
But honestly, what is any rubbish movie discussion without your boy, Vin Diesel? I think the leader in the clubhouse for abomination of film is xXx. Anytime your main character's name is Xander Cage, the panties just come flying off. His performance in this movie makes Daniel Day Lewis look like Chris Tucker.

Cheeze: Well, Vin Diesel is just terrible. Who would ever cast him in a movie like The Pacifier? I don't think there was a Jewish man behind the scenes of that movie, he would have known better. In relation to day care in movies, I thought about Mrs. Doubtfire. Robin Williams was tolerable in that movie. Along with Good Will Hunting and Hook, it is about the only thing that I can stomach him in. Take Toys for example, a 1992 film that I don't think I even enjoyed at the tender age of 9. Terrible premise, terrible movie.
Why does Hollywood feel the need to keep making movies about men taking care of young children?

B Harris: Robin Williams is just tad subtle for my taste. Speaking of Daddy Day Care, has there been a more staggering career path than that of Eddie Murphy? He went from an utterly hilarious and foul-mouthed young comic in Delirious and Raw, to the voice of a donkey in arguably the most successful animated, G-rated franchise in movie history.
I think a good rule of thumb when whether or not to watch a movie is as follows: if you can picture substituting Brendon Fraser for the main character, and the integrity of the film would remain intact, then the movie probably sucks.
(Acceptable alternatives: Paulie Shore, Rob Schneider, Jamie Kennedy, or the Wayans Brothers)

Cheeze: Another good rule of thumb is if it has bows and arrows, muskets, swords, dragons, horses, magic wands, and/or Gandalf, it is a good movie.

OV

Ovechkin continues to outdo himself. Last night's 1st period goal against the Habs was a slice of absolutely magical skill. The boy's talent is immense.

One key omission

(shakes head) Don't know how I forgot probably my favorite hip-hop song of the past 5 years or so. Which, I suppose, isn't saying much since I don't actively seek out songs in this genre any longer. Regardless.

Love this song. Love that it's being played live with a backing band.

Lupe Fiasco - Kick Push (live)

Another Rap-based List

I find it hard to pinpoint entire albums as Cheeze did, so I’ll just provide a sampling of my favorite artists and their respective best songs, as I see it.

The Roots – Ital (The Universal Side)

With Tribe’s Q-Tip providing a cameo, this song really does it for me. In my view, the best track on the best Roots album, Illadelph Halflife. I used to blast this track in my silly 1990 Nissan Maxima with my Alpine head unit and 3-way JBL speakers. Whatwhat.



Gang Starr – Work

Very much a song that reminds me of collegiate days. Guru is the man and DJ Premier’s beat is sick.



Biggie Smalls – The What

What an impossible call this was. In fact, I already regret picking this one since there are approximately 430 B.I.G. songs that I consider “favorites.” That said, I love Method Man’s verse and this track features some vintage, hilarious Biggie lines.



A Tribe Called Quest – Electric Relaxation

Again, very difficult to pick a favorite Tribe song, but this track is sick.



Warren G – Regulate

Good gravy I have loved this song for so long. I recall my older brother and his friends sucking it off, so I had a listen and learned all the words. As the years wore on, I developed a miming routine to go along with the lyrics. On a related note, I did not kiss a girl until my 23rd birthday.

A True Hero

Unfortunately, he's Canadian. But he is also amazing. Behold:

From the EdmontonSun.com

BARRINGTON, N.S. -- Graham J. Nickerson is 27 and has worn women's undergarments at least once in his life.

He was really drunk when he did it on Aug. 16, 2008.

Nickerson pleaded guilty Thursday in provincial court to unlawfully entering the home of a senior citizen and stealing a pair of disposable Depend underwear.

It was a Saturday and the Cape Sable Island man was returning from a party somewhere, said defence lawyer Del Wickens.

Wickens told court his client got lost in the woods - and lost his trousers while relieving himself.

Nickerson was just wandering around when he came to a small home along a narrow dirt road in Clyde River.

He didn't know who lived there, said his lawyer.

He walked right in and that's when he spied a pair of women's disposable undergarments.

He put them on over his own underwear and then passed out on the floor.

At about 7 a.m., the 92-year-old woman returned. She had apparently been elsewhere overnight.

Court was told she found an unconscious man on her floor - one who was wearing some disposable women's undergarments.

That sent the woman scurrying down the road to her neighbour, former member of the legislature Cecil O'Donnell.

He said he heard her screams and drove back in his car to investigate, said Crown attorney Jim Fyfe.

Nickerson awoke, staggered outside and climbed into O'Donnell's front seat.

O'Donnell called 911 and the Mounties soon appeared on the scene.

Wickens said his client did not intend to harm anyone. But he said his client did form an intent to steal when he swiped the diaper for grownups. That's theft.

Judge Jim Burrill turned to Nickerson and asked, "How's all this make you feel?"

The reply was inaudible.

"That was the first time I touched alcohol in a long time," Nickerson then said.

Burrill fined the fish plant worker $250 and ordered him to stay away from booze while he's on probation for the next 12 months.

-------------------

The bar has been set. It's up to you, America, to best our friends from the North.

Evidently, Cheeze and Black Men Aren't Alone

in their love for morbidly obese females.

From Discovery News:

"Feb. 13, 2009 -- While svelte, petite women may attract multiple suitors, bigger is definitely better in the whale world, according to a new study that found male humpback whales favor the largest females.

Big in terms of humpback whales means gigantic, since females are usually larger than males to begin with, measuring up to around 50 feet long and weighing approximately 79,000 pounds.

"While obesity is understandably a serious problem in humans, it is interesting to find that in some of the largest animals ever to exist, bigger is indeed better. Thus size does matter!" said lead author Adam Pack, an assistant professor of psychology and biology at the University of Hawaii at Hilo.

Pack, who is also the co-founder and vice president of The Dolphin Institute, and his research team made the determination after studying courting humpback whales for five consecutive years in the waters of the Auau, Kalohi and Pailolo channels off West Maui. The findings have been accepted for publication in the journal Animal Behavior."

Awesome.

Friday Cool Things

Some of you may recall this tune from the very shortly lived HBO show, John from Cincinnati, which re-heightened the bar for batshit crazy HBO shows.


Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros – Johnny Appleseed



And just because I want to - goals of the season from last year's Premiership campaign. No Liverpool? Bollocks.

Alfie, you wily bastard

This is Alfie Patten, aged 13. This is also Alfie's family. No, not his sisters, nor babysitters, nor classmates.

It's Alfie with his girlfriend and daughter.

This lad decided to get his girlfriend, Chantelle (aged 15), preggers. When I was 13 I was more concerned with hiding my frequent erections during Algebra I. But Alfie decided that the ripe old age of 13 was perfect for fatherhood. To put this in perspective, the child (Masie Roxanne - glorious name!) could be in 4th grade with Alfie still at university.

Here's the story. You'll scarsely find a more touching story of love that knows no boundaries.

Valentine's Day Gift Ideas

As you well know, this Saturday is the dreaded Valentine's Day, a fake holiday created by the jackasses of Hallmark and the like. Now I, for one, already purchased me lady's present - a new set of Gillette Mach 4 razor replacements. But for those of you who are ill-equipped to make the trip to the mall and pick out a real winner, allow AU to suggest some quality gifts:

New apron and cleaning supplies - This gift is really special because it shows that you care about her appearance, specifically the cleanliness of her her low-cut shirt. The apron/cleaning supplies combo should do nicely to protect her bosom whilst she makes you sandwiches and promptly cleans up her special zone, aka the kitchen.














Rickshaw - Nothing says love like a human-powered Asian transport.













Year supply of diet pills (not necessarily approved by the FDA) - Now you may be thinking, "Hold on a minute, that is insensitive". To which I reply, "enjoy your whale." It is critical to ensure that your girl is svelte, and these little magic pills will take care of that as well as potentially causing irreparable tissue damage!



















Breast augmentation - Because anything less than a DD means you're not a real woman.


















The new driver you've been eying - Convincing her that this gift is not actually for you is a slippery beast. Might I suggest asking to borrow the driver immediately after she opens it.



















ProActiv treatment kit - Any blemish, however small, is completely and utterly unacceptable.



















Breath mints - Because that caesar salad she had for lunch yesterday isn't going to take care of itself.

Game of the Evening

One of the best rivalries in sports is renewed tonight on the Worldwide Leader. No, I'm not referring to Tyler "8 Steps Every Time I Touch The Ball" Hansbrough and co. as they take on the Blue Devils of Duke. Separated by 8 miles and a shade of blue and all that nonsense. It will be a grand game, to be sure.

The real game of importance takes place at 7pm in Columbus, OH as our National Team takes on Mexico in World Cup Qualifying. Not a friendly, not a "how's your mother?", but a vital match up in the power struggle between these two countries that share a 2,000 mile border. In truth, both will undoubtedly qualify for next summer's event in South Africa, but this marks a critical juncture in the rivalry.

Mexico hasn't won on US soil in 8 years. They will be led into Ohio by legendary manager Sven-Goran Eriksson to silence the 20,000+ that will be on hand.

So do me a favor - enjoy yourself a pint or 6 while these two hated rivals do battle in chilly Columbus. Then tune into Duke/Carolina.

Here's hoping Clint can provide more of this, but perhaps with a better celebratory dance.

High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

Best scene of the movie. And I guess a few other clips as well. But the real gem comes first.

Only 16 months or so

until South Africa.



Not the biggest U2 fan, but this works.

List of Grammy Winners

False.

You will see nothing of the sort on this particular blog. The Grammys continue to be, without a shadow of a doubt, the most pointless, irrelevant, and maddeningly pathetic awards show known to man (save the Country Music Awards, perhaps).

I hope those who wasted 3+ hours of their life watching last evening think this is the best music has to offer. I don't want you listening to good music - you, the Grammys, and Ne-Yo deserve each other.

You, sir, are a weak, timid, and untrustworthy homosexual

P(r)oof

The dragon-loving bit was no joke, I'm afraid...

I.F.H. Mondays

Nick Swardson is the best.

I.F.H. MONDAY'S from Nick Swardson

The Chipotle employee displays flagrant and irresponsible rice favoritism

I really wish I could stake claim to this absolute beauty, but alas, the Onion has done it again.

------------------------------------------------------

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

CHIPOTLE—In a lunchtime incident significant enough to warrant you pause, an employee at the fast food Mexican restaurant Chipotle has just dispensed to you a smaller serving of rice than the customer ahead of you.

Though it appears likely the less-generous helping of rice was a simple oversight on the part of the employee, and was in no way a personal slight against you, you reportedly cannot help but think that you deserve just as much rice in your burrito as any other paying customer.

Since noticing the rice disparity moments ago, you have considered a number of tactics to rectify the situation, including hesitating slightly before advancing to the beans and meat in order to convey your concern; staring intently at the other burrito in hopes of drawing attention to its incongruent size; and simply asking the Chipotle employee for a little more rice.

Witnesses at the scene are currently waiting for you to move down the line.

"Black beans or pinto?" the employee has just now asked you, seemingly unaware of the heaping amount of rice spilling forth from the tortilla only 18 inches to the left of yours. "Sir?"

Adding to your frustration are new reports that the customer behind you has received the same amount of rice as the customer ahead of you, thereby confirming your suspicion of wrongdoing. However, if an earlier incident at the coffee shop or yesterday's conversation with your landlord are any indication, you are expected to take this lying down, like you always do.

Your meek body language and resigned facial expression also suggest a high probability of inaction on your part, possibly owing to your fear of "causing a scene" in front of a bunch of strangers whom you will never see again and who would undoubtedly side with you had they seen the uneven rice distribution. A mental catalog of past Chipotle experiences currently racing through your head—including that time the woman gave you spicy salsa when you specifically asked for mild—likewise supports the belief that you are going to get screwed yet again.

"Peppers and onions?" the employee has asked, your burrito moving irrevocably further from the rice station.

As the opportunities for additional rice become bleaker, you have resorted to communicating your displeasure in a number of passive-aggressive ways. These include glaring at the employee when he looks away and providing somewhat curt burrito-filling instructions, such as "Chicken" and "Yes, pinto beans," in an apparent hope that your cold tone of voice will make him realize that a terrible mistake has been committed.

So far, however, none of these tactics has caused the Chipotle employee to look down at the burrito next to yours, notice the startling imbalance in rice, apologize profusely, and fill your burrito accordingly.

More shockingly, birth records indicate that you are a full-grown adult presumably capable of communicating your thoughts and desires to an unthreatening 19-year-old burrito-assembler. Yet you reportedly continue to avoid even the most minor confrontation, despite the ramifications it may have on your upcoming sour cream and cheese allocation.

If consulted, the Chipotle employee manual would surely verify that this is a clear breach of company policy, which dictates that a scoop and a half of rice be provided to every customer regardless of age, race, or inexcusable cowardice. Therefore, all sources confirm that you should stop acting like a little bitch who allows the entire world to walk all over him and just say something already.

"How's the rice today, good?" you ask in a pathetic attempt at sarcasm that draws only a slight nod from the employee and does nothing whatsoever to achieve rice equity. "Mild salsa please. No, mil—yes, that's fine."

As of press time the opportunity to demand more rice is long past, and the flour tortilla has been handed off to the employee responsible for adding the final garnishes of corn, tomatoes, and—holy shit, look how much guacamole that fucking woman is getting.

Snakes on a Neck

That's quite enough, Jane Seymour.

Yes, you are kind of hot for being almost 58 years of age. Yes, you were decent enough as the under-sexed trophy wife of Chris Walken in Wedding Crashers. Almost hot enough to make me forget about the 150 episodes and 2 television movies worth of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

But you've gone too far. My brain is being inundated with Kay Jewelers commercials pawning your "Open Hearts" line of trinkets. You thought you'd earn some extra coin by designing some low-end trinkets? I say good for you. Unfortunately, it's probably the stupidest looking nonsense I've ever seen. If I'm honest, it looks like something I've seen before...

See any resemblance?

The top photo is taken from the Kay's advert - the signature piece in the Open Hearts line. The bottom is the pendant that accompanied the Magic: The Gathering Lifetime Achievement Award Cheeze presented to himself in front of a sparse crowd in his mother's basement a few weeks back.

My message to you, Missus Seymour - stop designing adornments and stick with maintaining your rather confusing level of attractiveness.

Some game, huh!?

The day after the Super Bowl is the worst. At no point was this made more alarmingly evident than my elevator ride from hell this morning. Being the first one in the awkward box, I quickly pressed my floor, then immediately the "Close Door" button, praying that my 10 floor journey will be made just the way I like it - without companionship.

It wasn't to be. In an apparent move to bolster my company's diversity initiative, new-hire Usain Bolt turned the corner and was inside the elevator with such blazing speed, I didn't even have time to deuce my pants in amazement.

At this point, the proverbial floodgates opened. No less than 6 other persons entered the elevator, each conveniently en route to a different floor. What happened next can only be described as the Quintessential Awkward Monday After the Super Bowl Conversation. This is verbatim, mind you.

Guy Who Makes Thrice What I Bank: Hey, Sharon, how was the weekend?
Middle-Aged Apparent Sports Fanatic: Mike, it was great. And you?
GWMTWIB: Good weekend, good weekend. Catch the game?
MAASPF: I did! Such a good game.
GWMTWIB: It was, wasn't it?!
MAASPF: It really was.
GWMTWIB: I know, it truly was.
B Harris: Enough! The both of you! (brandishes 9mm pistol and paints the elevator walls red with his cerebral cortex)

Alright, the last bit or so is touch-made up, but I think it illustrates my point. Not sure what that point is, aside from my hatred of office small-talk, especially betwixt two individuals in such a cavalier manner in a confined space.

But hey, it really was a hell of a game, wasn't it?