Perhaps it's just me who loves these?

In anticipation of the upcoming Premier League campaign, here are last year's goals of the season.

Another fowarded joke from my dad

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently passed gas.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and it reverberated down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

Celebrity

As seen in August 08 Glamour magazine. Basically I'm an international playboy.

I’d also like to note that this quote was hardly what I said, verbatim. In fact, this is a mere bastardization of my actual statement, which was made at 11:00am on a rainy, hungover, Manhattan morning. What I said was much more clever and witty than this PG-13 version – I assure you.

Quite a way to go if I say so myself

A RANDY sea lion named Mike died of exhaustion after a marathon mating session at a zoo.

The whiskery beast had been enjoying a morning romp with his harem Farah, Tiffy and Soda when keepers noticed something was wrong.

The dad of 12 was so exhausted that he could not even get out of his pool - and had to be pulled clear by staff.

Despite receiving treatment from a vet, the 45-stone "good natured" sea lion died from acute heart failure.

A spokesman for Nuremberg animal park in Germany said on Tuesday: "Mating season is a common time for fatalities when bulls often stop eating for days to devote themselves fully to mating.

"For sea lion bulls with a harem this is the most exhausting time."

California-born Mike was 19 - two years older than the average life expectancy.

The spokesman added: "He will be remembered fondly."

What. A. Strike.

Another video? Sure. Especially when it's featuring brilliance like this.

This is easily one of the purest strikes I've ever seen. The lad just cannot hit it any better than he does here. From 35+ yards, easily - and the keeper is grounded.

Swears a lot, doesn't he?

New Sherlock Holmes trailer

Jolly good film, this.

Slow Motion Sneezing

Cover your mouth.

I would break my hand

Watch closely. Pretty sweet shit.





Stolen from here.

I'd like my birthday party here, please

Brooklyn Bowl














Located at 61 Wythe Ave. in Brooklyn, NY, this ultimate hang out spot sports a 16-lane bowling alley, a 600-capacity performance venue for concerts, and niceties like a custom-designed JBL Vertec sound system, a nine-screen high-definition digital video projection system overtop the lanes, cushy black Chesterfield couches, a bar that resembles a 19th century Coney Island shooting gallery serving up no less than 10 Brooklyn-brewed draughts, tables crafted from old bowling lanes, and an eclectic food menu created by local favorite Blue Ribbon. If The Dude were a non-broke New Yorker, this would be his hangout.

Pretty badass - except for the price, I'd imagine.

Found at Uncrate.

Amazing

I'm not usually too terribly into bluegrass, jazz fusion, and the like, but this takes the cake.

Bela Fleck and Flecktones (which includes world virtuoso bassist Victor Wooten) are pretty damned cool, and this happens to be my favorite song of theirs.

Performed live - just sick. And I tend to love steel drums with all my heart.

So indie, it hurts

So Pitchfork is a pretty funny site. Wading through an album review, you'll find a dictionary, thesaurus, abacus, and protractor are all necessities to decipher half the shit they spew. The writing isn't for the faint of heart (nor is it for someone who just is curious to another layman's opinion of a band's latest offering). In fact, David Cross wrote a hilarious tongue-in-cheek review of the site, on the site. Read that here.

An example, whilst reading the review of the latest Doves album:

Perhaps this restlessness is indicative of certain frustration on Doves' part in seeing their efforts eclipsed by less imaginative, more mawkish Britpop bands, and in turn, a desire to distance themselves from the sad-sack pack; it's hard to imagine the likes of Elbow turning in something quite as fierce and paranoid as "House of Mirrors", a fuzz-soaked stomper punctuated by jarring, bump-in-the-night sound effects.

Yes, that was one sentence. It's okay though - one of Pitchfork's most redeeming traits rests in its "TV" section. Here, you can find countless videos of music, whether it be music videos, live performances, etc.

It's pretty awesome. Here are a few that I find to be most excellent for the price - zero dollars, American.


Vampire Weekend - M79



Phoenix - 1901



The Hold Steady - Lord I'm Discouraged

Don't Even Reply

Horse Farm
Posted at: 2009-07-14 15:12:55 | 63 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
I am a 17 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.

Outstanding idea

It's ideas like this that really piss me off - sure, it's genius, but why in the hell did I not think of it?

From Uncrate:

Why carry around a separate bulky keychain when your key can be the chain? The Split Ring Key ($7/2-pack) is a blank that can be cut by any key cutter to fit KW1 or SC1 keyways, but featuring a ring at the top for connecting the rest of your keys, letting you get rid yourself of yet another unsightly pocket bulge.

This little beauty will increase your left pocket's real estate three-fold. Buy here.

I can state with confidence that I hate these people without even knowing them.

Best kidnapping ever, except for the whole gun part.

Man kidnapped, force-fed beer

Published: Monday, July 13, 2009 4:18 p.m. MDT

A possible case of mistaken identity got a man kidnapped, force-fed beer and dumped on the side of the road, police said.

A passer-by found the man walking across Legacy Highway near Centerville about 9 a.m. Saturday. His hands were tied with hanger wire. He said he'd been kidnapped three hours earlier, said Salt Lake Police Sgt. Dennis McGowan.

He told police he had parked his car about 6 a.m. at his home near 1700 West and 400 North when two Spanish-speaking men dragged him out into the driveway. Once he'd been thrown inside their red pickup truck, he said they pulled a bag over his head, tied his hands and feet with coat hanger wire and put a gun to his stomach.

"They told him this was their area and that he can't sell drugs here," McGowan said. The man fervently denied that he has or sells any drugs.

The kidnappers force-fed him two cans of beer before kicking him out of the truck and driving off, very likely to pass him off as a drunk whose kidnapping story would be written off as nonsense, McGowan said. He had managed to kick off his leg constraints and cross the highway looking for help when the passer-by found him.

Officers found two empty beer cans and mangled wire hanger by the side of the highway that seem to confirm the man's account, McGowan said.

The man, whose name and age were not available, was not seriously injured.

Langhorne Slim

If you like some folk music, you'll probably like this song. The video I don't care for, but the music I do.

This is even better. and sad. B Harris spends two years.

Women will spend almost one year of their lives deciding what to wear, a study found.

Published: 7:16AM BST 09 Jul 2009

The average female will spend 287 days rifling through their wardrobe.

Choosing outfits for work, nights out, dinner parties, holidays, gym and other activities means the average female will spend 287 days rifling through their wardrobe.

The biggest chunk of that time is used up picking a killer ensemble for Friday or Saturday nights out or selecting the right clothes for a holiday.

Experts found on average women spend 16 minutes every weekday morning deciding what to wear and around 14 minutes on a Saturday or Sunday morning.

A spokesman for clothes giant Matalan, which compiled the results after polling 2,491 women, said: "What you wear has a direct impact on how you feel about yourself and it is important a woman feels exceptional in her outfit.

"Whatever the occasion your clothes portray an image and we understand this is fundamentally important to women."

The study - which was based on an adult lifetime from the age of 16 to 60 - found most women will spend around 20 minutes deciding what to wear before hitting the town on a weekend night.

Week nights out can take up to 20 minutes a time too.

Deciding on what clothes to take on holiday uses up to 52 minutes each time.

While on holiday, ten minutes a morning will be taken up trying to find an acceptable outfit with another ten minutes spent picking evening clothes.

On top of that dinner parties, Christmas parties and black tie events - at around 36 minutes a time six times a year - adds up to three and a half days.

The study also found on average women will try on two outfits each morning before coming to a final decision. And one in two women spend 15 minutes the night before work working out what to wear.

Interesting.

Study: Ugly Men More Fertile, Produce More Sperm During Sex

Friday, July 10, 2009


Women wanting to get pregnant should find themselves an ugly man, new research suggests.

Scientists have found attractive males produce less sperm during sex.

Researchers think good-looking males are biologically geared to hold back their sperm in each encounter to increase their chance of impregnating more females.

But unattractive males know they are not going to bed so many females — so when they do get lucky they give it all they've got.

The findings from the University of Oxford and University College London are backed up by studies of chickens and fish, but researchers think they could well apply to humans too.

"Human attractiveness is complicated and influenced by a number of factors including cultural preferences," said UCL researcher Sam Tazzyman. "Nonetheless, ejaculate size and sperm quality are likely to have been molded by similar forces, like attractiveness and the number of sexual partners, that are important in other species."

Reporting the findings on the university's Web site, Tazzyman said, "The more attractive a male is, the more females will be willing to mate with him, reducing the value of each mating to him. This means it is optimal for him to contribute fewer sperm per mating."

Because I love them

Man, I watched this last week at the beach and cried. So Good.

"How about you lookin' good, good as hell."

Will Arnett - Human Giant SEX TAPE from Will Arnett

Ray Charles

Singing a song by Leon Russell. Good tune.



Call the number to donate to Arguably Useless.

I love Craigslist

Thanks to my man over at the High Definite for making me aware of all these great sites. The internet is chalk full of stupid people and you will find them in hoards on CL.

Click Here to view You Suck at Craigslist.

I laughed

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer.. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died . . . I'm married to his fuckin' widow."

I don't think a picture is appropriate

World’s strongest vagina breaks own record lifting 14 kilos

7 Jul, 11:33 PM

A Russian woman has set a new world record, lifting a 14-kg. glass ball with her vagina muscles. Tatiata Kozhevnikova of Novosibirsk, aged 42, has been exercising her intimate muscles for fifteen years, and has already made her entrance into the Guinness Book of Records as the possessor of the world’s strongest vagina, she proudly told Life.ru.

“After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls,” she said. “I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina. It took me ages to get it out!”

The embarrassing first experience did not scare Tatiana off. She developed quite a taste for vagina fitness, and now she has her exercising balls custom-made.

“You insert one of the balls in your vagina, and it has a string attached to it with a little hook at the very end. You fix a second ball onto this hook.”

The Russian recommends vaginal exercises to all women who want to improve their sex life.

“It’s enough to exercise your vagina five minutes a day, ladies, and in just one week you’ll be able to give yourself and your man unforgettable pleasure in bed,” she says.

Bunch of Trivia

I had a lot of catching up to do especially when it came to my daily calendar.
Here are a couple...


1. What country's official name begins with the words "Oriental Republic of"?

2. How much does a Giant Panda weigh at birth?

3. What nightmarish 1972 action-adventure buddy film was promoted with the tagline, "This is the weekend they didn't play golf"?

4. What is a mouse potato?

5. Where is the largest active volcano on earth?

6. How long are the sandals that adorn the feet of the Statue of Liberty?

For the record, I only got number 3 correct.

I wonder what it tastes like

FIZZY drink makers Tango were in a tizzy last night after discovering a new can design spelt out a rude word.

The problem emerged with the first letter of each word on slogan Tango With Added Tango.

Neil Murphy, 33, who spotted the blunder at his Preston off licence, said: “I found it quite funny but I can see why parents will find it offensive.”

Tory MP Ann Widdicombe fumed: “It is deeply tasteless.”

Makers Britvic said it was a “coincidence”.

Things you can learn in a week.

Hey all,

Back from the beach and slowly but surely reassembling things. I learned a lot of new things this past week and I just figured I'd put a list of some of them together.

1. Bud Light makes a damn killing at the beach. Or at least they did last week.

2. Dizzy Bat in a potentially deadly but highly entertaining game that should not be played on concrete, only sand.

3. A Full Extender is a great way to induce a need for a shower. Also, a great way to get beer in your eyes and on any other bodypart other than your mouth.

4. An alarming amount of self-averred straight men have an unhealthy obsession with Lady GaGa and Katie Perry. I would be a happy man if I never had to hear either one ever again.

5. Pear-Bear is half man-gaga/half machine and is most certainly the last man standing.

6. Don't ever try to peer pressure JC into a beer bong because he will most certainly puke, just like he said he would directly before said bong.

7. There are no less than 100 variations on the last name of one Sean "Marang".

8. The Nature Boy Rick Flair was alive and well last week at the beach.

9. Your neighbors will without a doubt hate Rick Flair.

10. The cops do not enjoy Rick Flair either, especially when you Wo, Woo, WOOOOOO them as they are walking back to their car after asking you to keep it down.

11. Bocce Ball is a very easy game.

12. Coronas can be opened with any number of different household items.

13. A Paper Towel is not a suitable replacement for toilet paper.

14. Miller Lite is still not an acceptable replacement for Bud Light.

15. Con Jarr is a mighty man when it comes to wiffle ball.

16. Wiffle ball is much more fun when played beer constantly in hand.

17. Sweet Tea Vodka is delicious.

18. Jean shorts are an acceptable form of beachwear.


And I am spent for the moment. Comment below with any other additions.