2.27.2009

Friday Tunage

The Decemberists are an awesome band, namely because of their lead singer/songwriter Colin Meloy. This guy weaves some wonderful harmonies with crazy, historical references. This song, Sixteen Military Wives, "focuses primarily on the news media and popular response to the war, particularly levying criticism at infotainment and the surface-level involvement of celebrities in public affairs." It's cool, and rather catchy.

Decemberists – Sixteen Military Wives


The Last Shadow Puppets is the brainchild of Arctic Monkeys frontman, Alex Turner, and Miles Cane of the Rascals. It can be argued that they rely mainly on Turner's absurd popularity to parlay this new project towards success, but they have some inherent catchiness, I feel. Have a listen.


Last Shadow Puppets - Age of the Understatement



What editor would post this article in a paper?

Courtesy of Dave Barry's Blog.
_____________________________________




Anthony Jones, 38, was arrested for trying to steal 91 lobsters from the kitchen at Bally's Atlantic City on Feb. 19.














Police: Man caught red-handed pinching 91 lobsters

By Peter Mucha


No doubt the casino was steamed.

Ninety-one lobsters had somehow walked out of the kitchen at Bally's Atlantic City on Thursday.

Apparently they left inside a backpack and tucked inside a man's clothes, according to reports.

Good thing for him those lobsters were frozen.

Nobody stuffs live lobsters inside a jacket or pants.

The alleged perp aroused suspicion for a few reasons.

First, the overly bulky clothing.

Second, he was walking very slowly, police told the Atlantic City Press.

Third, kitchens are off-limits to the public, so an officer watching surveillance cameras noticed.

Soon the suspect found himself trapped, along with the young lobsters, and, as security guards tailing him muscled in to make the pinch, the man knew he was in hot water.

They'd quickly cracked the case.

"The lobsters were all recovered," said Sgt. Monica McMenamin, police spokeswoman.

Charged with theft and trespassing was Anthony Jones, 38, of Atlantic Avenue. Bail was set at $10,000.

The lobsters were worth an about $1,200, and that's a lot of clams.

No word if Jones tried to butter up the judge.

Bally's, by the way, is near the ocean, not the old bay.
________________________________

Contact staff writer Peter Mucha at 215-854-4342 or pmucha@phillynews.com.


And from the comments section....

Posted by Peter Mucha 07:16 AM, 02/27/2009
Now I wish I'd reported some more! Such as ... Casino officials did not know if the theft occurred near the pastry chef's Crust Station.

2.26.2009

100th Post!!!

Dear Reader,

After a month and a half and 100 posts, the only thing we here at Arguably Useless have left to say is that we wish all of your children grow up to be mirror images of the following...

Opportunity Squandered

Mere moments ago, as I entered the facilities on the floor to relieve myself, I wasted one of the great chances in recent memory to eff with a coworker.

You see, the urinals in this particular bathroom are adjacent to the stalls. There was a gentleman in the stall closet to my favorite urinal, pants around ankles, presumably feeling the after effects of yet another sub-par attempt at TexMex from his trophy housewife (she had all day to come up with something, and she chose tacos?! I mean really). In any event, with his pants resting comfortably against the tile, so too was his ID badge - fully displaying his name.

Mind you, I had no clue who Michael J. Coworker was previously. But I did at that point.

What should have transpired:

Me, whilst relieving myself: (sniffs briefly followed by a long, full-body inhalation) Michael, is that you?! I know that smell anywhere!
MJC: (sweats, panics)

What actually went down:

Me: (pee, leave)
MJC: (checking work email on the can)

I suck.

Oh, the places you'll go.

The following places are even worse to visit than Mt. Vernon, Illinois, which must be a decidedly miserable place. I don't know this from experience, having never visited the town myself, but I would assume it to be true because there is someone living there, I know not whom, that looks at this blog more than I do. I am not complaining, just pitying the fool. But hey, at least he or she doesn't live in...
________________________________________
Bogota, Columbia - Surely it is a beautiful city, with great food and a great night life, but unless you are a left-leaning marxist revolutionary, or you have a fetish for being kidnapped and held for ransom, I'd be a tad wary of traveling here. It has gotten better since the 90's, but with FARC and the cartels prowling around, there is big chance you might soil yourself.

Those peace lovin' FARC rebels

Pyongyang, North Korea - Three cheers for oppression in every sense of the word. If you are fond of having practically zero political, economic and social freedom, then this might be the place for you. From Wiki: The media of North Korea is one of the most strictly controlled in the world. As a result, information is tightly controlled both into and out of North Korea. The constitution provides for freedom of speech and the press; however, the government prohibits the exercise of these rights in practice. In its 2008 report, Reporters Without Borders classified the media environment in North Korea as 172 out of 173, only above that of Eritrea. [79]

Only news that favors the regime is permitted, whilst news that covers the economic and political problems in the country, or criticisms of the regime from abroad is not allowed.[80] The media upholds the personality cult of Kim Jong-il, regularly reporting on his daily activities.


And OH what activities they are. This man, if his claims are taken to be true, is the most amazing, accomplished human on earth. According to North Korean officials and state media, Kim boasts a photographic memory, has piloted jet fighters, composed operas, directed globally acclaimed movies and hit 11 holes-in-one in the first round of golf he ever played.

Kim, you sexy beast.

Baghdad, Iraq - In ancient times, probably a wonderful city to visit. It was situated in the middle of Mesopotamia, Tigris and Euphrates you know. These days, not so much. War-torn landscape, bitter insurgents, automatic weapons everywhere. No thanks. Maybe after the whole thing is sorted out, but at the moment these people are dealing with becoming a Democratic nation, a change thrust upon people who have been living under a theocracy for longer than anyone can remember.

I would liken the political situation there to Foie Gras. First, We force-feed this stuff down their throats. It ends up being way too expensive, the price tag so high that no one should want to pay for it. And lastly, no sane person would want the mess on their plate.

Side note, I would like B Harris to go there with a God Bless the USA t-shirt, Cowboy Hat, and American flag cape, just for good measure.

Future B Harris on vacation in Iraq

Paris, France - OH, I don't know Lloyd. The French are assholes.

In French - Je ne sais pas Lloyd, les Fran├žais sont des trous de cul

Mogadishu, Somalia - Many of you apparently would have visited here rather than lose a front tooth. Lunatics.

From Wiki: With the collapse of the central government in 1991, Mogadishu has been the stage for 17 years of fighting between rival militias. Years of civil unrest and uncontrolled insurgencies against Ethiopian occupation have transformed Mogadishu into one of the most dangerous and lawless cities in the world.[4] Estimates of the city's current population vary greatly, with figures ranging from 1.5 million to 3 million, as many of its former inhabitants have fled.

And not to mention f*cking pirates. Let's go here, sounds fun.

Somali Pirate

Gaza City, Gaza - I don't know about you, but I am not really a fan of getting blown up by a burqa whilst waiting in line for a coffee or motzo balls, or gefilte. The place just looks miserable, it's a barren wasteland, why does anyone even want to live there? I wouldn't go there if you paid me. Well, maybe if you paid me, there was a sexy broad involved and I could wear a sweet vest, bulletproof or otherwise.

Anywhere that is not Cancun, Mexico - I don't know if you have been following this, but Mexico has become a death zone. In 2008, more than 5,700 – criminals, soldiers, police, journalists and bystanders – were killed. All thanks to the drug cartels that are flooding the US with drugs. They are damn ruthless and bathing in money.

Sign me up.

2.25.2009

30 Rock Lovers

Shades of Kenneth the Page anyone?

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal (Just listen to their voices to get the idea.)



Kenneth the Page




I can't take credit for the comparison, but it is great.

I've never felt less athletic in my life

Disregard the first 45 seconds or so, then just watch this dude jump out of the effing gym.


Hannah Montana Gummi Guitars

Awesomely Inappropriate.

Champions League, Day 2

Round of 16 1st legs continue today with the last 8 locking horns across Europe.

As for yesterday's result, I misfired on 3, although the bulls eye was hit with my 1-1 prediction for Lyon/Barca.

Chelsea v Juventus

Prediction 1-0

Villareal v Panathinaikos

Prediction 2-1

Sporting Lisbon v Bayern Munich

Prediction 1-1

And the fixture of the day...

LIVERPOOL FC v Real Madrid

Prediction 1-1

But more importantly:

His armband proved he was a Red, Torres! Torres!
"You'll never walk alone," it said, Torres! Torres!
We bought the lad from sunny Spain
He gets the ball, he scores again
Fernando Torres, Liverpool's number 9!



Good luck getting that song out of your head.

You'll Never Walk Alone.

Hypothesis

I hope everyone remembers the Gummi Bears cartoon from their childhood. For some reason, and I have no idea what that reason may be, I was thinking about the show this morning when I woke up. Honestly, no idea why. Regardless, I came to the realization that this was probably every black kid's favorite Saturday morning cartoon. For two reasons.

Firstly, the characters were always getting to drink what appeared to be Grape Soda. Delicious. Secondly, after they drank said potion, they gained magical powers that made them jump high. Possibly even high enough to dunk in a basketball match.

Now, if you were a little black kid, I think the idea of drinking grape soda all day and then dunking would be pretty much your wildest fantasy. The Gummi Bears got to do it everyday. They envied the sh*t out of them.


Theme song.

2.24.2009

Let's do laps - you start

The Chileans have it figured out. On the central coast of Chile, at the San Alfonso del Mar resort, to be specific. What about having a dip in this pool?













Meet the 1,000 metre long, 19-acre monstrosity that uses water from the Pacific, then filters. Built by Fernando Fischmann, it officially is awesome.
























Tunage

Two music videos to break up your Tuesday.

The first is a fairly ridiculous effort from MGMT. It's called "Time to Pretend" and is a cool tune from a cool band.



This second is the first single off of Doves new album, which apparently doesn't come out until April. This is "Kingdom of Rust."


In Bruges

I don't know how many of you noticed that this movie was nominated for something or other on Oscar night. I am not really sure what, because I didn't watch, and I am not inclined to look it up right now because I don't think I could care less. It didn't win, I know that much, but it is a good movie regardless and you should probably take the initiative to get it from Netflix or Blockbuster and watch it.

Memorable Quotes.

Overweight Man: Been to the top of the tower?
Ray: Yeah... yeah, it's rubbish.
Overweight Man: It is? The guide book says it's a must see.
Ray: Well you lot ain't going up there.
Overweight Man: Pardon me? Why?
Ray: I mean, it's all winding stairs. I'm not being funny.
Overweight Man: What exactly are you trying to say?
Ray: What exactly am I trying to say? You's a bunch of f*ckin' elephants.
____________________

Ken: How'd your date go?
Ray: My date involved two instances of extreme violence, one instance of her hand on my cock and my finger up her thing which lasted all too briefly - and then I was away - , one instance of me stealing five grams of very high-quality cocaine and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead: so all in all... my evening pretty much balanced out, fine.
____________________

Harry: I mean basically if you're robbing a man and you're only carrying blanks and you allow your gun to be taken off you and you allow yourself to be shot in the eye with a blank which I assume that the person has to get quite close to you then, yeah really it's all your fault for being such a poof, so why don't you stop wingeing and cheer the f*ck up.
Yuri: Eirek - I really wouldn't respond.
Eirik: I thought you wanted the guy dead?
Harry: I do want the guy dead, I want him f*cking crucified but it don't change the fact that he stitched you up like a blind little gay boy, does it?
____________________

Ken: We shall strike a balance between culture and fun.
Ray: Somehow I believe, Ken, that the balance shall tip in the favor of culture, like a big fat f*cking retarded f*cking black girl on a see-saw opposite... a dwarf.
____________________

Harry: An Uzi? I'm not from South Central Los Angeles. I didn't come here to shoot twenty black ten year olds in a drive-by. I want a normal gun for a normal person.
____________________

Ken: Coming up?
Ray: What's up there?
Ken: The view.
Ray: The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that down here.
Ken: Ray, you are about the worst tourist in the whole world.
Ray: Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me but I didn't, so it doesn't.
____________________

Ken: Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you're a c*nt. You're a c*nt now, and you've always been a c*nt. And the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be an even bigger c*nt. Maybe have some more c*nt kids.
Harry: [furious] Leave my kids f*cking out of it! What have they done? You f*cking retract that bit about my c*nt f*cking kids!
Ken: I retract that bit about your c*nt f*cking kids.
Harry: Insult my f*cking kids? That's going overboard, mate!
Ken: I retracted it, didn't I?

Champions League Round of 16

This afternoon sees the 1st leg of the Round of 16 in the premier European club competition kick off - none other than the Champions League. For those of you unfortunate enough to not be familiar, it's the equivalent of...hmm, actually, nothing we have in this country can even compare.

Today's ties are as follows:

Inter Milan v Manchester United - Arguably the most mouth-watering fixture of the competition thus far, both of these clubs are enjoying sizable leads atop their respective leagues. Hard to find much between the two of them, but United's injuries at the back may take their toll, especially with the first leg at the San Siro in Milan.

Prediction 2-1

Arsenal v AS Roma - At this point last year, these two teams were hitting their stride and finding 3 points with regularity. Nowadays, the goals are harder to come by and they are finding themselves further from the top of their tables than in quite some time. Roma are sure to be buoyed by the return of their captain Francesco Totti, while the Gunners will have to find some quality in the final third (I'm looking at you, Robin Van Persie). I see a wide-open contest with chances aplenty.

Prediction 2-2

Lyon v Barcelona - Barca are enjoying the form you dream of as a footballer. Despite a loss this past weekend to Espanyol, they feature the most explosive and loaded starting XI on the planet who are never short on creativity. Lyon are an interesting bunch - the French champions feature one of the most promising youngsters in the world in Karim Benzema, and the set-piece brilliance of Juninho. I think they will prove to be a more difficult challenge than Barca would like.

Prediction 1-1

Atletico Madrid v FC Porto - Atletico have seen their spot in the league drop like a stone because of a recent string of poor results. Fortunately, they are always capable of finding goals in bunches, mostly thanks to wonder kid Sergio Aguero. Porto, the 2004 CL Winners, are once again atop the Portugese Liga. The best thing about them is their hulking striker who goes by - you guessed it - Hulk. You can't make this stuff up.

Prediction 0-1

Now, for those are still aren't in the mood for world-class soccer, this should help.

Top goals from this past winter

2.23.2009

If you call it beirut, I hope you get the herp

According to the Daily Collegian, undoubtedly the most reputable of all online publications, the playing of beer pong by humans aged 17-21 has led to a steady, and rather unbelievable rise in herpes. Not just any rise, but upwards of 230-percent.

This study may or may not have been conducted by the nerds who keep losing to me in pong, and want the game's popularity to wane to the point where Dungeons and Dragons becomes choice No. 1 (and not just in Cheeze's mom's basement).

Read all about it here, and color me skeptical.

Hobbits Reign Supreme

Lord knows there have been too many terrible movie trilogies. Sequels and prequels that never should have been released, let alone, produced or even conceived. Take the Austin Powers Trilogy. First movie was almost pretty good, and then the next two were just terrible, so much so that the first is now awful by association. And that isn't even the worst, just my least favorite. There are plenty of trilogies that I would never even dream of seeing. Sometimes though, the movie makers get it right, so how about a Top 5 Best movie trilogies.


5. Back to the Future

Back to the Future (1985)
Back to the Future Part II (1989)
Back to the Future Part III (1990)

I don't know if this deserves to make the list, but I have fond memories of these movies from my childhood. Also, I didn't want to include Spiderman.

4. X-Men

X-Men (2000)
X2: X-Men United (2003)
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Sexy mutants.


3. The Godfather

The Godfather (1972)
The Godfather Part II (1974) (also prequel)
The Godfather Part III (1990)

I was watching the Godfather Part II the other day, and that is what made me think of doing this post. It is a great movie. Robert DeNiro is good sh*t.

2. The Bourne Identity

The Bourne Identity (2002)
The Bourne Supremacy (2004)
The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)

These were all good. Shaky camera work. Could have had sexier girls.


1. The Lord of the Rings

The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
The Two Towers (2002)
The Return of the King (2003)

What can I say, this is the best of all time. Most likely always will be the best. Gandalf.

(Best Friends)

2.20.2009

It's fate

Dream Date and Rant






















And seriously folks, 8 votes on the poll? 6 followers? I am going to start posting about fantasy baseball.

Lay Off Me, I'm Starving

BREAKING NEWS: This country is filled with fat slobs. And what do fat slobs like to do? If you guessed exercise, you are dense. Eat, that's what. And not just regular, run-of-the-mill meals like the majority of humans consume. Some of the concoctions are heinous enough to make me want to give up blowing my nose in the shower (scoff, that will never happen).

Thankfully, there is a site devoted solely to the aforementioned foodstuffs. I present to you, This Is Why You're Fat.

Some of my favorites:

Hmm, smells like some of Grandma's famous hot dog pie!












This one is just grotesque. An effing junk food pizza (large meat pizza covered in potato skins, mozzarella sticks, mini tacos, jalapeno poppers, and onion rings). Pardon me whilst I jam the nearest pen into my eyes.















And finally, the coup de grace - bacon-wrapped meatloaf with a layer of mac and cheese. You actually gain about 13 lbs by just looking at this picture.















I suggest perusing the site to find some great recipes to cook for your special girl, boy, or chimp Travis.

(Insert racial slur here) don't do that, that's five to ten.

Man. This is good. So good.


2.19.2009

Point, Counter Point - Terrible Movies

Cheeze: Shoot em Up. Paul Giamatti doesn't do it for me as a hit man. I didn't make it through ten minutes of this movie. After Clive Owen delivered a baby in the midst of a gun fight, and then severed the umbilical cord by shooting it, I did not think it could get much worse. I turned it off. Indiana Jones - Crystal Skull. It was not like this movie was unbearable by any means. It was so-so, with a terrible ending. It is the comparison to the other Indiana Jones' that makes this movie one of the worst.

B Harris: It's funny because I have only seen bits and pieces of Shoot em Up. Granted, it was sufficient viewing to appall, but not enough to pass judgment on the whole. As for Crystal Skull, yes, it was stupid. In fact, it was downright shameful, especially since us fans of the series were forced to wait 19 years for the next installment. Whatever, George Lucas still sleeps on a pile of money with many beautiful women.
But honestly, what is any rubbish movie discussion without your boy, Vin Diesel? I think the leader in the clubhouse for abomination of film is xXx. Anytime your main character's name is Xander Cage, the panties just come flying off. His performance in this movie makes Daniel Day Lewis look like Chris Tucker.

Cheeze: Well, Vin Diesel is just terrible. Who would ever cast him in a movie like The Pacifier? I don't think there was a Jewish man behind the scenes of that movie, he would have known better. In relation to day care in movies, I thought about Mrs. Doubtfire. Robin Williams was tolerable in that movie. Along with Good Will Hunting and Hook, it is about the only thing that I can stomach him in. Take Toys for example, a 1992 film that I don't think I even enjoyed at the tender age of 9. Terrible premise, terrible movie.

Why does Hollywood feel the need to keep making movies about men taking care of young children?

B Harris: Robin Williams is just tad subtle for my taste. Speaking of Daddy Day Care, has there been a more staggering career path than that of Eddie Murphy? He went from an utterly hilarious and foul-mouthed young comic in Delirious and Raw, to the voice of a donkey in arguably the most successful animated, G-rated franchise in movie history.

I think a good rule of thumb when whether or not to watch a movie is as follows: if you can picture substituting Brendon Fraser for the main character, and the integrity of the film would remain intact, then the movie probably sucks.

(Acceptable alternatives: Paulie Shore, Rob Schneider, Jamie Kennedy, or the Wayans Brothers)

Cheeze: Another good rule of thumb is if it has bows and arrows, muskets, swords, dragons, horses, magic wands, and/or Gandalf, it is a good movie.

OV

Ovechkin continues to outdo himself. Last night's 1st period goal against the Habs was a slice of absolutely magical skill. The boy's talent is immense.

Unfortunate Looking

Men, if you are ugly (which is lamentable and I would it not wish upon anyone) it would not be prudent to blame yourself. It is not your fault. I recommend you start blaming a woman for this sad circumstance. First and foremost, blame your mother, for it was she who brought you into to this cruel world and at least 50% of those ugly genes came from her. Also, the drinking, drugs and cigs didn't help your cause.

Second-of-ly, blame women in general, for they are the shallow sows that can't see past the outer disgust and through to the beauty that awaits within. Judgmental, critical and self-conscious women can be. Nothing like men, the gender that always, without fail, accepts women for who they are on the inside, irrespective of appearances. If women could be more like men in this regard, the world would be a much more pleasant place.

Thirdly, you can also blame B Harris if you'd like. What, with his lavender suits, pointed shoes and French cuffs. Weekly facials, manicures and pedicures. A very prominent noddle. His ravishing good looks make us all ugly by comparison. Too bad ladies, it is widely rumored (mainly in circles that include me or his mother) that he is a bit ginger beer. Blame should directed toward his idol, Liberace, who was practically a woman. So it all works out.

2.18.2009

One key omission

(shakes head) Don't know how I forgot probably my favorite hip-hop song of the past 5 years or so. Which, I suppose, isn't saying much since I don't actively seek out songs in this genre any longer. Regardless.

Love this song. Love that it's being played live with a backing band.

Lupe Fiasco - Kick Push (live)


He's got balls

In more ways than one. Courtesy of Dave Barry's Blog.

Warden grabs lion's privates to show they are friends
.


Given the chance, B Harris would be all over this.

Another Rap-based List

I find it hard to pinpoint entire albums as Cheeze did, so I’ll just provide a sampling of my favorite artists and their respective best songs, as I see it.

The Roots Ital (The Universal Side)

With Tribe’s Q-Tip providing a cameo, this song really does it for me. In my view, the best track on the best Roots album, Illadelph Halflife. I used to blast this track in my silly 1990 Nissan Maxima with my Alpine head unit and 3-way JBL speakers. Whatwhat.



Gang StarrWork

Very much a song that reminds me of collegiate days. Guru is the man and DJ Premier’s beat is sick.



Biggie SmallsThe What

What an impossible call this was. In fact, I already regret picking this one since there are approximately 430 B.I.G. songs that I consider “favorites.” That said, I love Method Man’s verse and this track features some vintage, hilarious Biggie lines.



A Tribe Called QuestElectric Relaxation

Again, very difficult to pick a favorite Tribe song, but this track is sick.



Warren GRegulate

Good gravy I have loved this song for so long. I recall my older brother and his friends sucking it off, so I had a listen and learned all the words. As the years wore on, I developed a miming routine to go along with the lyrics. On a related note, I did not kiss a girl until my 23rd birthday.

My 5 favorite rap albums.

I am not in the habit of listening to a lot of the newer rap/hip-hop these days. With the likes of Lil' Wayne topping the charts, I am just not that interested. What happened to the days where artists actually had some semblance of talent. Where cohesive thoughts were formed, with clever word play and the like.
yada, yada, without further ado, top 5.

5. Fugees - The Score - Man, what a great album. I think I got this in middle school. I loved it then and could put it on today and still enjoy it. "Ready or Not" = good song.
























4. A Tribe Called Quest - The Love Movement - I had listened to some tribe in high school, but I didn't really get into this album until university. It has great tracks one after another. I would ride around in the car with some fellas and listen to track 7 on replay (4 Moms) and freestyle to the beat. You have probably never seen such an embarrassing display of whiteness in your life.



















3. Dr. Dre - Chronic 2001 - I don't feel compelled to put this on here just to say that there is a Dr. Dre on the list. This album is just that good. He is smart, articulate, and talented. I sometimes wish there wasn't any eminem on it, but oh well. Track 17 is a hidden gem and easily my favorite song on the album.


















2. The Roots - The Tipping Point - It was a close one between this and number 1. It could have gone either way. The Roots have many a good album, but this is my favorite. "Web" is a pretty amazing song.


















1. Notorious B.I.G. - Ready to Die - Yeah, I don't think I need to say much about this. Probably the best rap album of all time. So good. I might even like this as an old man.
























Honorable Mentions would be:

Gang Starr - Daily Operation
Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
Louis Logic - Misery loves Comedy

2.17.2009

A True Hero

Unfortunately, he's Canadian. But he is also amazing. Behold:

From the EdmontonSun.com

BARRINGTON, N.S. -- Graham J. Nickerson is 27 and has worn women's undergarments at least once in his life.

He was really drunk when he did it on Aug. 16, 2008.

Nickerson pleaded guilty Thursday in provincial court to unlawfully entering the home of a senior citizen and stealing a pair of disposable Depend underwear.

It was a Saturday and the Cape Sable Island man was returning from a party somewhere, said defence lawyer Del Wickens.

Wickens told court his client got lost in the woods - and lost his trousers while relieving himself.

Nickerson was just wandering around when he came to a small home along a narrow dirt road in Clyde River.

He didn't know who lived there, said his lawyer.

He walked right in and that's when he spied a pair of women's disposable undergarments.

He put them on over his own underwear and then passed out on the floor.

At about 7 a.m., the 92-year-old woman returned. She had apparently been elsewhere overnight.

Court was told she found an unconscious man on her floor - one who was wearing some disposable women's undergarments.

That sent the woman scurrying down the road to her neighbour, former member of the legislature Cecil O'Donnell.

He said he heard her screams and drove back in his car to investigate, said Crown attorney Jim Fyfe.

Nickerson awoke, staggered outside and climbed into O'Donnell's front seat.

O'Donnell called 911 and the Mounties soon appeared on the scene.

Wickens said his client did not intend to harm anyone. But he said his client did form an intent to steal when he swiped the diaper for grownups. That's theft.

Judge Jim Burrill turned to Nickerson and asked, "How's all this make you feel?"

The reply was inaudible.

"That was the first time I touched alcohol in a long time," Nickerson then said.

Burrill fined the fish plant worker $250 and ordered him to stay away from booze while he's on probation for the next 12 months.

-------------------

The bar has been set. It's up to you, America, to best our friends from the North.

Bad ideas from around the world

By continent, not including Antarctica.
___________________________________

Australia - Bindi and Terri - As if Steve Irwin wasn't bad enough, out of pity or consolation they are still putting these two on television. Enough already. On a side note, Bindi is a stupid f*cking name.
























Africa - Having unprotected sex - No comment needed. If you don't know then you should fly to Kinshasa and get your groove on.




















Europe - The Speedo - Good gracious this kills me. Everybody wears it, from little Leopold to Grandpa. Europeans love tan thighs.


































Asia - Chopsticks - You would think that at least a couple people out of a billion would have realized that chopsticks suck.



















South America - Running for Political Office - In a sample of 18 Latin American countries from 1971-2000, there were 20 coups d’etat, 451 political assassinations, 217 riots, and 113 crises that threatened to bring down the sitting government. Sign me up, it is worse than honeymooning with pirates.




























North America - Escalators - Like Americans need less incentive to exercise. The only time they'll take the stairs is to get up to the food court on the second floor and the escalator/elevator is on the opposite side.


_______________________________________

2.16.2009

Evidently, Cheeze and Black Men Aren't Alone

in their love for morbidly obese females.

From Discovery News:

"Feb. 13, 2009 -- While svelte, petite women may attract multiple suitors, bigger is definitely better in the whale world, according to a new study that found male humpback whales favor the largest females.

Big in terms of humpback whales means gigantic, since females are usually larger than males to begin with, measuring up to around 50 feet long and weighing approximately 79,000 pounds.

"While obesity is understandably a serious problem in humans, it is interesting to find that in some of the largest animals ever to exist, bigger is indeed better. Thus size does matter!" said lead author Adam Pack, an assistant professor of psychology and biology at the University of Hawaii at Hilo.

Pack, who is also the co-founder and vice president of The Dolphin Institute, and his research team made the determination after studying courting humpback whales for five consecutive years in the waters of the Auau, Kalohi and Pailolo channels off West Maui. The findings have been accepted for publication in the journal Animal Behavior."

Awesome.

Schadenfreude

This is a great word. It can be defined as finding satisfaction or pleasure in someone else's misfortune.

You can practice schadenfreude by reading these posts from the website www.fmylife.com. Enjoy.
________________________________________
1. Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant".

2. Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her exiting her room....my electric toothbrush in her hand.

3. Today, my boyfriend of 2 years sent me a text messages saying, "Don't worry I'm gonna break up with her soon. Love you."

4. Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad.

5. Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number.

2.13.2009

Friday Cool Things

Some of you may recall this tune from the very shortly lived HBO show, John from Cincinnati, which re-heightened the bar for batshit crazy HBO shows.


Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros – Johnny Appleseed



And just because I want to - goals of the season from last year's Premiership campaign. No Liverpool? Bollocks.


Alfie, you wily bastard




















This is Alfie Patten, aged 13. This is also Alfie's family. No, not his sisters, nor babysitters, nor classmates.

It's Alfie with his girlfriend and daughter.

This lad decided to get his girlfriend, Chantelle (aged 15), preggers. When I was 13 I was more concerned with hiding my frequent erections during Algebra I. But Alfie decided that the ripe old age of 13 was perfect for fatherhood. To put this in perspective, the child (Masie Roxanne - glorious name!) could be in 4th grade with Alfie still at university.

Here's the story. You'll scarsely find a more touching story of love that knows no boundaries.

2.12.2009

Deny, Deny, Deny!

It seems an apt time of year to post this article. The two days you have until V-Day should be plenty of time to digest the ideas, come to terms with them, and then promptly return that nice gift you purchased in hope of scoring fellatio or a back rub or some nice quality hand holding. The following essay comes from the old iambetterthanyou.com and since it is no longer published on the site, I had some trouble finding a copy of the text. Unfortunately, ladies, I did.
Learn it, live it, love it.


How to Treat Your Inferior Mate

Men often say to me, "I know my mate is inferior, but how can I treat her as such?" When first posed with this question I laughed at how stupid it was, since treating my many mates (classic alliteration) poorly was something that came so naturally to me. But as I was asked time and time again, I began realize that most guys are not blessed with the gift of degradation. In light of that, I have decided to offer some helpful hints to all the tripods out there that are not pulling their weight in this male dominated world. Now, there are a myriad ways to put your sexual property in her place. The possibilities are literally endless. I have provided just a few examples below, but they should be enough to get you well on your way to walking all over that special little girl of yours.

Choose drinking with your friends over quality time with her on a regular basis. It is imperative that this precedent is set very early in the relationship. Putting her second is a sure-fire way of instilling a deep-seated feeling of inferiority. She will feel this the most when you come home drunk, laughing with glee, and ask her how her night was. As a night of solitude, reading Cosmo and watching Lifetime, pops out of her short-term memory, her self-esteem will plummet and as a result she will do anything to feel appreciated. That's when you nail her. I normally go for powerful sex with no passion, but that's just me.

Mid-day, February 14th, announce to your lover with pride that you will not be participating in Valentine's Day anymore. Allow for a dramatic pause and enjoy the look of shock/confusion/sadness on her face. Then simply explain that it is a stupid money making scheme invented by Hallmark that is designed to get you in a spending war with the boyfriend down the street. If this is too strong for your tastes ( i.e. you have no sack) then you can follow up with something like "Wouldn't it be more special if I showed you that I loved you on an unexpected day?" Though, there is merit to your argument, this is still a dick move and she'll feel it in the bottom of her heart. After accepting your decision, she may insist on giving you a gift regardless either out of principle or in a futile effort to make you feel guilty. In response, give her a tube of KY jelly. Then nail her.

Cheat on her and get caught while you're at it. This will make any girl feel like an ineffectual little nothing in your life. There are two (2) options available to you at this point. The first is summed up in one simple phrase, "Deny, deny, deny. Always counter accuse." Even if she catches you in the act, never admit to anything. If she starts to back you in a corner, accuse her of sleeping with her male tennis partner. Once you got her on the defensive, keep pushing until she gives up or apologizes for what she has done "wrong". Afterwards, consider nailing her. The second option is to say something like, "Hey, look at the bright side. At least I'm not sleeping with your friends." This option doesn't really accomplish anything; it is just ironically hilarious because you have been nailing her friends for months.

Let's summarize what you've learned:

1. Remember to put her second.
2. Just say no to Valentine's Day.
3. Deny, deny, deny. Always counter accuse.

If your mind is not reeling with a maelstrom of heartless ideas by now, then you either have the intelligence of a strap-on or are an incendiary homosexual. If the former is true then you should concentrate on things like eating without hurting yourself. If the latter is true then…well…good luck with all THAT.

2.11.2009

Valentine's Day Gift Ideas

As you well know, this Saturday is the dreaded Valentine's Day, a fake holiday created by the jackasses of Hallmark and the like. Now I, for one, already purchased me lady's present - a new set of Gillette Mach 4 razor replacements. But for those of you who are ill-equipped to make the trip to the mall and pick out a real winner, allow AU to suggest some quality gifts:

New apron and cleaning supplies - This gift is really special because it shows that you care about her appearance, specifically the cleanliness of her her low-cut shirt. The apron/cleaning supplies combo should do nicely to protect her bosom whilst she makes you sandwiches and promptly cleans up her special zone, aka the kitchen.














Rickshaw - Nothing says love like a human-powered Asian transport.













Year supply of diet pills (not necessarily approved by the FDA) - Now you may be thinking, "Hold on a minute, that is insensitive". To which I reply, "enjoy your whale." It is critical to ensure that your girl is svelte, and these little magic pills will take care of that as well as potentially causing irreparable tissue damage!



















Breast augmentation - Because anything less than a DD means you're not a real woman.


















The new driver you've been eying -
Convincing her that this gift is not actually for you is a slippery beast. Might I suggest asking to borrow the driver immediately after she opens it.




















ProActiv treatment kit - Any blemish, however small, is completely and utterly unacceptable.



















Breath mints - Because that caesar salad she had for lunch yesterday isn't going to take care of itself.

Loathesome

You know, YouTube is a great thing. It provides an outlet for people to express themselves, show funny videos, share pirated material, etc... But, it also can cause great angst. Particularly to me. The following videos have caused me more frustration, eye-rolling sighs and general distaste than a typical conversation with an opinionated sorority girl.

I recommend not watching these videos. They are terrible. I would rather shart my pants at work.




Game of the Evening

One of the best rivalries in sports is renewed tonight on the Worldwide Leader. No, I'm not referring to Tyler "8 Steps Every Time I Touch The Ball" Hansbrough and co. as they take on the Blue Devils of Duke. Separated by 8 miles and a shade of blue and all that nonsense. It will be a grand game, to be sure.

The real game of importance takes place at 7pm in Columbus, OH as our National Team takes on Mexico in World Cup Qualifying. Not a friendly, not a "how's your mother?", but a vital match up in the power struggle between these two countries that share a 2,000 mile border. In truth, both will undoubtedly qualify for next summer's event in South Africa, but this marks a critical juncture in the rivalry.

Mexico hasn't won on US soil in 8 years. They will be led into Ohio by legendary manager Sven-Goran Eriksson to silence the 20,000+ that will be on hand.

So do me a favor - enjoy yourself a pint or 6 while these two hated rivals do battle in chilly Columbus. Then tune into Duke/Carolina.

Here's hoping Clint can provide more of this, but perhaps with a better celebratory dance.


2.10.2009

High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

Best scene of the movie. And I guess a few other clips as well. But the real gem comes first.


What's a... pederast, Walter?




I like Steve Buscemi. I like seeing him in films. He rarely plays more than a minimal supporting role and often times his characters are inconsequential, but he makes me laugh.

Here are my top five best movies in which Steve Buscemi has a role, be it large or small.

5. Billy Madison (1995) Danny McGrath

4. Reservoir Dogs (1992) Mr. Pink

3. Big Fish (2003) Norther Winslow

2. Pulp Fiction (1994) Buddy Holly (Couldn't find a good picture, small role)

1. The Big Lebowski (1998) Donny

Only 16 months or so

until South Africa.



Not the biggest U2 fan, but this works.

2.09.2009

Results

In the recent USA Today/Gallup poll conducted over the past couple weeks, results show that a slight majority of Americans (52.3%) would prefer Incest (kissing your sister) to ButtMouth (flossing with g-string). While the results are inconclusive due to sampling error and a very limited sampling size, we can assume that all persons polled are degenerates and/or functioning retards.


In other news, a new poll has been posted on the right side of your screen.

List of Grammy Winners




















False.

You will see nothing of the sort on this particular blog. The Grammys continue to be, without a shadow of a doubt, the most pointless, irrelevant, and maddeningly pathetic awards show known to man (save the Country Music Awards, perhaps).

I hope those who wasted 3+ hours of their life watching last evening think this is the best music has to offer. I don't want you listening to good music - you, the Grammys, and Ne-Yo deserve each other.

No Direction, Period.

It is Monday morning, I am busy at work, and I can't seem to come up with anything remotely clever. So I'll just post this video.

2.06.2009

I'll take the Crab Juice.

Sirs,

I know that I stated Blame a Woman would be a weekly installment, but I wanted to share this one and didn't care to wait until Monday.

If you like that sort of thing, going to a bar or similar drinking establishment is a great way to hang out with friends and generally have a good time. That is until somebody decides that they would like to purchase a round of Miller Lites. 9/10 scientists agree that this mass-produced American garbage is little better than sharting your pants in public and much, much worse than washing your genitals with a soap tainted with herpes.

If you are an unfortunate soul and are unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of such a terrible gift, please do one thing for me. I would like you to find the nearest woman in the bar, (this works best if she bought you the beer) and blame her for Miller Lite. Vehemently. You can pour the contents on her head, or if you are brave/stupid, take a swig and shower her with vile nectar. This is a legitimate reaction, and well-deserved, if I say so myself. Because if you have ever taken a brewing science course like I haven't, you would know that Miller Lite is made for women, by women. Shame on you womankind, I blame thee.

See official example of brewing process below.

2.05.2009

You, sir, are a weak, timid, and untrustworthy homosexual

P(r)oof

The dragon-loving bit was no joke, I'm afraid...


I like books

My favorite quote from a book that I can think of at the moment is from High Fidelity by Nick Hornby. You might've seen the movie adaptation. Here it is.

"Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her breasts that I would try to touch her between her legs, a gesture that had a sort of self-parodying wit about it; it was like trying to borrow a fiver, getting turned down, and asking to borrow fifty quid instead."
_______________________

I am always looking for a new good book to read. I often find a good one through the recommendation of a friend. Perchance, my faithful reader, you are looking for a new good book to read as well, so I thought I'd share some of my favorites by genre.

Comedy - Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff by Christopher Moore - This book is hilarious. Laugh-out-loud funny. It chronicles the life of Jesus throughout his childhood. Unless you are some fanatical right-wing Falwellian, you'd probably enjoy it.

Also - Missing Links + Shanks for Nothing. Two golf books by Rick Reilly that are just as funny. Not for everyone.

Science Fiction - Two here. I like Dune by Frank Herbert and Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card. Both good books but not everyone enjoys science fiction.

Non-Fiction - This is tough because I don't read a lot of non-fiction. I just finished a biography of Crazy Horse that was good, and if you are interested in that kind of thing, you would most likely enjoy it. David McCullough, the man from earlier posts, also writes some good history.

Girl Book - She's Come Undone, by Wally Lamb. This book amazes me because Mr. Lamb has an unreal talent for writing through the eyes of a woman. I know I couldn't do it.

Fantasy - Chances are, if there is a dragon on the cover, I've read the book. So it makes the category difficult because there are so many to choose from. Lord of the Rings I would always recommend. George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire is very good. And I just finished a book called In the Name of the Wind, by Patrick Rothfuss, that was probably one of the best books I've read ever. Even if you don't think you like fantasy, I would still recommend that one.

Regular Ol' Fiction - I can't pick just one. I like Nick Hornby. A book called the Power of One by Bryce Courtenay. For Whom the Bell Tolls is a classic, the John Donne poem at the beginning made the book for me. Too many others to think of.

Travel - Read Bill Bryson. In a Sunburned Country is my favorite, but all of his stuff is good.

I would have to say my favorite book is A Confederacy of Dunces, by John Kennedy Toole. It makes me laugh more than those comedies I mentioned, but it is also very sad, especially the story behind it all. If you've never read it, I would pick it up before any of the others. You might have to give it a chance, it starts out rather slow. Looking at some reviews, it seems like a lot of people hate it. Oh well.

Do you have any suggestions? I am reading this stupid Twilight series and it makes me want to throw up and crap my pants at the same time.

How about you, dear reader, comment with a book recommendation.

2.04.2009

Of course I know who you are,

You're Amby Sander.

I.F.H. Mondays

Nick Swardson is the best.


The Chipotle employee displays flagrant and irresponsible rice favoritism

I really wish I could stake claim to this absolute beauty, but alas, the Onion has done it again.

------------------------------------------------------


Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

CHIPOTLE—In a lunchtime incident significant enough to warrant you pause, an employee at the fast food Mexican restaurant Chipotle has just dispensed to you a smaller serving of rice than the customer ahead of you.


Though it appears likely the less-generous helping of rice was a simple oversight on the part of the employee, and was in no way a personal slight against you, you reportedly cannot help but think that you deserve just as much rice in your burrito as any other paying customer.

Since noticing the rice disparity moments ago, you have considered a number of tactics to rectify the situation, including hesitating slightly before advancing to the beans and meat in order to convey your concern; staring intently at the other burrito in hopes of drawing attention to its incongruent size; and simply asking the Chipotle employee for a little more rice.

Witnesses at the scene are currently waiting for you to move down the line.

"Black beans or pinto?" the employee has just now asked you, seemingly unaware of the heaping amount of rice spilling forth from the tortilla only 18 inches to the left of yours. "Sir?"

Adding to your frustration are new reports that the customer behind you has received the same amount of rice as the customer ahead of you, thereby confirming your suspicion of wrongdoing. However, if an earlier incident at the coffee shop or yesterday's conversation with your landlord are any indication, you are expected to take this lying down, like you always do.

Your meek body language and resigned facial expression also suggest a high probability of inaction on your part, possibly owing to your fear of "causing a scene" in front of a bunch of strangers whom you will never see again and who would undoubtedly side with you had they seen the uneven rice distribution. A mental catalog of past Chipotle experiences currently racing through your head—including that time the woman gave you spicy salsa when you specifically asked for mild—likewise supports the belief that you are going to get screwed yet again.

"Peppers and onions?" the employee has asked, your burrito moving irrevocably further from the rice station.

As the opportunities for additional rice become bleaker, you have resorted to communicating your displeasure in a number of passive-aggressive ways. These include glaring at the employee when he looks away and providing somewhat curt burrito-filling instructions, such as "Chicken" and "Yes, pinto beans," in an apparent hope that your cold tone of voice will make him realize that a terrible mistake has been committed.

So far, however, none of these tactics has caused the Chipotle employee to look down at the burrito next to yours, notice the startling imbalance in rice, apologize profusely, and fill your burrito accordingly.

More shockingly, birth records indicate that you are a full-grown adult presumably capable of communicating your thoughts and desires to an unthreatening 19-year-old burrito-assembler. Yet you reportedly continue to avoid even the most minor confrontation, despite the ramifications it may have on your upcoming sour cream and cheese allocation.

If consulted, the Chipotle employee manual would surely verify that this is a clear breach of company policy, which dictates that a scoop and a half of rice be provided to every customer regardless of age, race, or inexcusable cowardice. Therefore, all sources confirm that you should stop acting like a little bitch who allows the entire world to walk all over him and just say something already.

"How's the rice today, good?" you ask in a pathetic attempt at sarcasm that draws only a slight nod from the employee and does nothing whatsoever to achieve rice equity. "Mild salsa please. No, mil—yes, that's fine."

As of press time the opportunity to demand more rice is long past, and the flour tortilla has been handed off to the employee responsible for adding the final garnishes of corn, tomatoes, and—holy shit, look how much guacamole that fucking woman is getting.