Best News Ever. (for B Harris)

Science Daily

(Apr. 2, 2008) — Satisfactory sexual intercourse for couples lasts from 3 to 13 minutes, contrary to popular fantasy about the need for hours of sexual activity, according to a survey of U.S. and Canadian sex therapists.

Penn State Erie researchers Eric Corty and Jenay Guardiani conducted a survey of 50 full members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, which include psychologists, physicians, social workers, marriage/family therapists and nurses who have collectively seen thousands of patients over several decades.

Thirty-four, or 68 percent, of the group responded and rated a range of time amounts for sexual intercourse, from penetration of the vagina by the penis until ejaculation, that they considered adequate, desirable, too short and too long.

The average therapists' responses defined the ranges of intercourse activity times: "adequate," from 3-7 minutes; "desirable," from 7-13 minutes; "too short" from 1-2 minutes; and "too long" from 10-30 minutes.

"A man's or woman's interpretation of his or her sexual functioning as well as the partner's relies on personal beliefs developed in part from society's messages, formal and informal," the researchers said. "Unfortunately, today's popular culture has reinforced stereotypes about sexual activity. Many men and women seem to believe the fantasy model of large penises, rock-hard erections and all-night-long intercourse. "

Past research has found that a large percentage of men and women, who responded, wanted sex to last 30 minutes or longer.

"This seems a situation ripe for disappointment and dissatisfaction," said lead author B Harris' Girlfriend, associate professor of psychology. "With this survey, we hope to dispel such fantasies and encourage men and women with realistic data about acceptable sexual intercourse, thus preventing sexual disappointments and dysfunctions."

Corty and Guardiani, then-undergraduate student and now a University graduate, are publishing their findings in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, but the article is currently available online.

I pity the fool

Mr. T called for jury duty

CHICAGO — Pity the prospective juror named Mr. T.

He showed up for jury duty, then was dismissed after hours of down time — which he used to sign autographs and pose for pictures.

Mr. T was called for jury duty at Cook County Circuit Court on Monday. The Chicago native said he enjoyed fulfilling his civic responsibilities, even though he found — like countless others — that hours can pass before a judge decides to dismiss you.

He showed up for jury duty in camouflage pants, a T-shirt and a longer version of his usual Mohawk haircut.

Mr. T is best remembered for the 1980s TV series "The A-Team" and as Clubber Lang in "Rocky III," which his catch phrase come from: "I pity the fool."


Yes, please

The Guinness 250 Anniversary Stout

Love your stout? Then pick yourself up a pack of Guinness 250 Anniversary Stout ($10/six pack). Created to celebrate the 250th anniversary of Arthur Guinness' signing of the lease for his St. James' Gate Brewery in Dublin, this fizzier, maltier version of Guinness is poured at an angle, and packs a stronger alcoholic punch than its sudsy sibling. But don't wait too long: it will only be available for six months.

I'll take 8 dozen 6ers, please.

Buy here.

AD is so much better than your show

I know we post videos, but here are some of the best quotes...

Lindsay: How do you think I feel? Bob Loblaw’s a handsome, professional man and I’m only used to... well, none of those things.

Tobias: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over— an analyst and a therapist. The world’s first analrapist.

Tobias: Well, yes, but I’m afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I’m afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.

Michael: There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Michael: So, this is the magic trick, huh?

G.O.B.: “Illusion,” Michael. A “trick” is something a whore does for money...

G.O.B.: Steve Holt’s not my son.

George Michael: Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?

G.O.B.: That’s my son, you pothead.

Lucille: What’s a Forget-Me-Now?

G.O.B.: They’re pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give ’em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It’s a mainstay of the magician’s toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.

Tobias: G.O.B., this is Flunitrazepam. It’s a roofie.

Lucille: Those are illegal.

G.O.B.: Shut up, Mom. Don’t make me give you another one of these.


Yeah, isn't that called masturbation?

Viagra rival 'can be rubbed directly into skin'

A new generation of anti-impotency drugs that are rubbed into the skin could prove more effective than Viagra, research indicates.

Scientists in the United States have successfully tested the new technique – which involves tiny objects called nanoparticles – on rats and believe it could also be used to help humans.

Under the therapy, nanoparticles that release the anti-erectile chemical nitric oxide are rubbed on the problem area, and absorbed directly into the skin.

Of the seven rats treated by the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, five showed signs of arousal, according to results presented to the American Urological Association (AUA).

The new treatment would likely have fewer side effects than Viagra, which is taken orally and been shown to cause headaches and facial flushing.

Researchers also believe that the nanoparticle therapy could work much more quickly than Pfizer's market-leading drug, which takes up to an hour to kick in.

"This is a very interesting concept which has potential to impact treatment of many conditions including erectile dysfunction if it can be translated from the animal lab to clinical practice," said Ira D Sharlip of the AUA.

An estimated 2.3 million men in Britain are thought to suffer from the erectile problems, which can be caused by a variety of conditions.

Courtesy of DBB

Favorite News Article from Last Year

Black Guy Asks Nation For Change

March 19, 2008

CHICAGO—According to witnesses, a loud black man approached a crowd of some 4,000 strangers in downtown Chicago Tuesday and made repeated demands for change.

"The time for change is now," said the black guy, yelling at everyone within earshot for 20 straight minutes, practically begging America for change. "The need for change is stronger and more urgent than ever before. And only you—the people standing here today, and indeed all the people of this great nation—only you can deliver this change."
Enlarge Image Black Guy

The black guy is oddly comfortable demanding change from people he's never even met.

It is estimated that, to date, the black man has asked every single person in the United States for change.

"I've already seen this guy four times today," Chicago-area ad salesman Blake Gordon said. "Every time, it's the same exact spiel. 'I need change.' 'I want change.' Why's he so eager for all this change? What's he going to do with it, anyway?"

After his initial requests for change, the black man rambled nonstop on a variety of unrelated topics, calling for affordable health care, demanding that the government immediately begin withdrawing troops from Iraq, and proposing a $75 billion economic stimulus plan to create new jobs.

"What a wacko," Schaumburg, IL resident Patrick Morledge said. "And, of course, after telling us all about how he had the ability to magically fix everything, he went right back to asking for change. Typical."

"If he's really looking for change, he's got the wrong guy," Morledge added.

Reports indicate that the black man has been riding from city to city across the country, asking for change wherever he goes. Citizens in Austin, TX said they spotted the same guy standing on the street Friday, shouting far-fetched ideas about global warming. Cleveland residents also reported seeing him in a local park, wildly gesticulating and quoting from the Bible. And last week, patrons at the Starlight Diner in Cheyenne, WY claimed that the black man accosted them while they were eating, repeatedly requesting change.

"I saw him walk in and I knew he was headed straight for our table," said mother of three Gladys Davies. "He just stood there smiling at us for a while, and asked how our food tasted. Then he went and did the same thing at the next table over. The nerve of some people."

Those who encountered the black man Tuesday said he engaged in erratic behavior, including pointing at random people in the crowd and desperately saying he needs their help, going up to complete strangers and hugging them, and angrily claiming that he is not looking for just a little bit of change, but rather a great deal of change, and that he wants it "right now."

"I'll be honest, when that black guy said he would 'stop at nothing' to get change, it kind of scared me," local mechanic Phil Nighbert said. "Just leave me alone."

Though many were taken aback by the black man's brazen demands, some, such as Jackson, MS's Holly Moser, sympathized with him. She gave the black man credit for boldly standing up and asking every last person around him for change.

"I told him I'd give him some if I saw him later, even though I probably won't," Moser said. "Very nice man, though."

Most, however, ignored his requests.

"I'm a hardworking American who pays his taxes, and the last thing I need is some guy on the street demanding change from me," said William Overkamp, a Springfield, IL gun-shop owner.

He added, "What he really needs is a job."


Jools Holland is a stupid name...

...but he sure gets good acts on his show. Here are few good ones.

Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) recorded live on Later with Jools Holland

Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Doves - Kingdom of Rust / Winter Hill

B Harris' Salvation

Ever get embarrassed about soiling your underwear? Not to worry…
NO-WASH™ UNDERWEAR has you covered! We’ve designed a pair that will hide all stains and eliminate the embarrassment.

It’s simple- a pair of underwear that's yellow in the front and brown in the back.
You never even have to wash them! Make sure to check in with us as we have more NO-WASH™ gifts coming soon...


Great Ideas from around the world.

I just became aware of this, and I wouldn't be surprised if everyone knew about it, but I found it too ridiculous to not put up here...

Lady Attacked After Jumping Into Polar Bear Exhibit

This is the terrifying moment a woman was attacked by a polar bear after jumping into its zoo enclosure.

The 32-year-old leapt over bars at Berlin Zoo during the bears' feeding time yesterday.

Despite six zookeepers' efforts to distract the four predators kept in the enclosure, the woman was bitten several times on her arms and legs.

The brave keepers eventually managed to push the bear away and pull the woman to safety.

She was bitten by one of the four older polar bears in the enclosure and not by the famous Knut, who took Germany by storm as a cub after he was hand-raised by a keeper.

It is not known why the woman pulled the dangerous stunt but she initially appeared to be elated as she swam towards a bear in the enclosure.

It is not easy to access the enclosure, which is surrounded by a fence, a line of prickly hedges and a wall.

Heiner Kloes, a zoo spokesman, said keepers pushed the huge bear away before pulling the woman out.

She was taken to a hospital for treatment where she is now recovering after undergoing surgery to heal her wounds.


I get my hair cut at a shop called "Hair We Are". Not kidding.

Whenever I have the opportunity to see B Harris, I like to let him know that his new haircut looks stupid, or that he needs a haircut because he looks stupid. This really shakes a man to his core, because we all know hair can be the window into a person's persona. There are a plethora of ways a guy can wear or style his hair that would solidify his douchebaggery in the eyes of many a beholder. For certain, we here at AU have have been guilty of such gaffs from time to time. More likely than not we even thought they were a good idea, or the cool thing to do at that point in our lives.

I get to feeling quite nostalgic whenever I see someone with a flat top because I had one for the first 15 years of my life. Also, and I am hesitant to admit this, I had a rat tail that a Star Wars fan would be proud of during my childhood. Great idea, thanks mom. When I see someone with big, stupid, curly hair that flops into their eyes and is in general disarray, I automatically think of B Harris and his Richomdnite cohorts of freshman year. I then close my eyes, look down, and slowly shake my head in a disappointed manner. Thank the lord I have never been able to grow sideburns. They are another bad mistake just waiting to happen and I don't particularly care to be admonished with a disapproving head shake.

But judge not lest you be judged. You had mullets and bowl cuts as children. You may have had those stupid lines shaved into the hair right above your ears. You grew your hair out during your pot-smoking days. You shaved your head and drew a Nike swoosh on it using a magic marker (No F*cking Joke. I am looking at you Ken McBenzie and Shrek). Alas, certainly we have all been guilty of the most capital offense at some point during our formative years. Yes, I am talking about slobbing gel in your hair. I know I am culpable and I would imagine most of you are too. But, hey, at least we've learned from our mistakes. Or not...

It has gotten to the point where I can't even think of hair gel without an image of guys like this popping into my head. I am positive that I am not alone in this sentiment. So fellas, it would probably be in your best interest to find some other means of styling your hair. You don't want to be reminiscent of that guido douchebag everybody hates at every function.

(Sweet tiger by the way)

Shrek's response to the post... rudy: It was during the first few months of seventh grade, I was a little shy, and that Nike Swoosh helped me make a lot of friends! I stand behind my decision, and so does Stephon Marbury


Oh drunkeness

I would imagine that a good portion of you are already aware of this site. It came to my attention by way of the high definite. But, in case you haven't had the privilege, you should visit http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ for some good, light reading.

Here are some of my favorites so far...

(617): yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

(818): Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
(770): I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.

(201): i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
(914): please be gone before i get back

Cheeze's imagination is what makes him special

A tip of the cap to BennyMac for unveiling this never before seen footage of Cheeze at his very best.

A joke and a song.

Question: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Answer: Nevermind, it’s a really obscure number and you’ve probably never heard of it.

Steve Forbert. Hopefully it is another song that you haven't heard, but end up enjoying.

It's Poop Again

Bomb Squad Detonates Suspicious Bag, Finds Feces

POSTED: 8:47 pm EDT April 19, 2009

CINCINNATI -- The bomb squad had to be called out to deal with a suspicious package found along Martin Luther King Drive in Avondale.

Police said that a Metro bus driver alerted them to the package at about 5:15 p.m. Sunday.

Officers said that when they arrived, they could see that something was inside a bag at the scene. They could also tell that it was heavily duct taped.

An explosive detection K-9 unit, as well as the Fire Department and bomb squad were called to the scene.

The bomb unit took X-rays of the bag and saw what appeared to be cans or cylinders but could not determine what was inside.

Police decided to detonate the bag, after which they found what appeared to be feces in the duct-taped cans.

The investigation is still open.

Anyone with information is asked to call CrimeStoppers at 513-352-3040


Leon Russell

I wanted to put a song up here that a lot of you probably have not heard before. This came on last night on the Ipod, and so I thought I'd share it with you all. Hopefully you like...

Bluebird (Digitally Remastered 95) - Leon Russell


I have a daily calendar thing that has a different trivia question waiting for me every morning when I get to work. Most are hard, I have only answered a few correctly.

Here are some of the recent ones... and don't google the answers, that is just lame.

1. Which Oscar-winning Best Picture has the longest title?

2. What Company advertised its product in the early 1960s with the boastful slogan, "Relieves gas pains"?

3. How many eggs can a queen bee lay in a single day?

4. What baseball Hall of Fame hurler twice struck out the opposing side using only nine pitches--once in the American League, and once in the National League?

5. Peter Benchley's 1974 blockbuster novel Jaws was about a man-eating great white shark. What killer creature created havoc in his 1991 novel Beast?


Can we please take a moment

and say a prayer for a speedy recovery for Ken McBenzie's long-time girlfriend.

See story below...

Exotic dancer, 52, attacked with stiletto heel

Cops: Victim gets 7 staples after stiletto attack during 1st day on job

The Associated Press
updated 5:52 a.m. ET April 21, 2009

AKRON, Ohio - A 52-year-old woman was attacked on her first day as an exotic dancer by a jealous co-worker wielding a stiletto heel, police said.

Akron police Lt. Rick Edwards said the woman was assailed Friday night by a co-worker who didn't think the club needed more dancers.

One of the dancers took her stiletto and repeatedly struck the woman in the face as she walked into the basement dressing room, police said.

The woman was treated at a hospital and received seven staples. She has declined to press charges against her assailant.

Police say the woman took the job because she needed the extra money. She has refused to talk to police about what happened.

Spring Collection...Part 4???

I don't know about you, but I am sure B Harris will be purchasing a large number of these.

Push-up pants fly off shelves


THESE push-up pants are designed to make the most of modest manhoods.

Similar in design to the Wonderbra, the briefs have a special pocket inside that thrusts the contents up and out.

Designer Roland Lodoli said they have been flying off the shelves since he launched them at his shop in Zagreb, Croatia.

He said: "Now I’m working on some swimwear for men for the summer so they never have to feel ashamed on the beach again — no matter how cold the water."

Hey Nats, be worse.

They can't even spell their own names right? COME ON.

COME ON reference:

What? That's not normal?

I have always thought Roger Clemens to be batshit crazy. This officially removes all doubt, however.


One of the most memorable parts of the book that hasn't made it out yet is a bizarre story about Roger Clemens, and how he prepared for starts.

The story comes courtesy of Yankee trainer Steve Donahue who told Verducci about what Roger Clemens did as part of his usual routine to get ready for facing the Mets in Game 2 of the 2000 World Series. Donahue said Clemens’ usual pregame preparation included taking a whirlpool bath at the hottest temperature possible.

“He’d come out looking like a lobster,” Donahue said.

But here's the money quote:

Then Donahue would rub the hottest possible liniment on his testicles.

“He’d start snorting like a bull,” the trainer said. “That’s when he was ready to pitch.”

Man, talk about way too much information. That must be why Roger was such a crotchety bastard on the mound. Well, that and the steroids.


Awesome. Link here.



Terrible. On so many levels.

Here's a Tip: Don't Bite Your Own Junk

A convicted sex offender from Brooklyn took a bite out of crime and a bite out of himself too, police said.

Damiene Iriarte was found naked and bleeding behind a building in the Fort Greene section of Brooklyn after having bitten the tip off his own penis, police told a local newspaper.

It goes without saying that he was subsequently hospitalized.

"How he did it? Limber, I guess. Not the work of a sane mind," a police official told The Daily News.

You think?

Iriarte, 26, pleaded guilty in Suffolk County in 2004 to two misdemeanors after being accused the previous year of raping a 13-year-old girl, according to the News.

It's not clear why Iriarte bit his own penis, but investigators might be just as confused -- or impressed -- that he did it at all.

He's recovering at Brooklyn Hospital Center, representatives of which have not returned calls seeking comment.

Courtesy of DBB



"Seems a sheep farmer in Alton, Illinois was puzzled about the disappearance of some sheep on his farm. After a few weeks the farmer decided to put up an electric fence. About a week later, this is what he found."

Goooooo. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to change my underwear and convince coworkers in the office next door that a woman was not just weeping inconsolably.


Tattoos. I've never really cared for them myself, or at least I have never truly considered getting one. It makes sense if you would like to commemorate some significant occasion in your life, or a belief to which you hold very strongly, but other than that a lot of tattoos you see out there are just plain old garbage. No meaning, no character, just an excuse to get one. These are the tattoos that turn out to be that bad decision you made over beach week or drunken bachelor party weekend. Let's take a look at some of the tattoos people get and what they might mean about the person.

1. Snake exploding out of chest (very similar): I do know someone that has this, and chances are, if you are reading this, you have made his acquaintance as well. It will be an idiotic decision in perpetuity. I just wish I had a picture.

2. Tear drop tattoo: This means felon. You probably want to stay far away, unless you often catch yourself idly dreaming of gang bangers.

3. Neck Tattoo of any sort: Badass. He will most likely dunk babies in Texas Pete and eat them. He's been to jail.

4. Tribal Arm Band tattoo: Unoriginal to the utmost degree. Will most likely be found on some muscle bound greaser with gel in his hair, waxed chest and gold chain. He will not write you poetry, but will wear wife beaters in public. You win some, you lose some.

5. Barcode tattoo: Robot, or a fan of Asimov, Orwell and any number of other dystopic authors.

6. Dragon tattoo: Wizard - most likely the coolest person you'll meet for a very long time.

7. Asian Lettering Tattoo: Please go here, and search f*cking moron. Any of those terms will apply.

8. Face Tattoo: Mike Tysonesque. He could possibly go insane and eat babies or just habitually cry on your shoulder regretting his past decisions. Mainly getting said tattoo in the first place.

9. Name of Significant other tattoo: I don't think there could ever be a worse idea than this. I don't think there is anything I can say here that isn't blatantly obvious to anyone who has any inkling of sense. A roommate of mine in college got one. If you know this person, then you understand.

10. Jesus Tattoo praying on arm: Probably going to hell.

And for the girls, if you have a tattoo you are most likely a tramp. Especially if that tattoo is on your tit, lower back, or within 5 inches of your vagine. I guess foot tattoos are acceptable and not necessarily demonstrative of trollopness.


She looked like the "loo"

The actions (drinking, then peeing in public) of the man in this story could have easily been performed by our friend, one Mr. Hova.

Man jailed for urinating on woman during flight

Wed Apr 15, 9:17 pm ET

HONOLULU – A 28-year-old man has been sentenced to three weeks in jail for urinating on a 66-year-old woman during a Continental Airlines flight last month from Los Angeles to Honolulu. Jerome Kenneth Kingzio, a resident of the U.S. Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands, was sentenced after pleading guilty Tuesday to assault charges in federal court in Honolulu.

The victim was headed to Hawaii on March 21 for a scuba diving vacation and was watching an in-flight movie when Kingzio stood up and began urinating on her. He had been drinking on the flight.

U.S. Attorney Edward Kubo Jr. said the woman reported that not only was her entire vacation ruined, but she continues to suffer emotionally from the incident.

The case was investigated by the FBI.

Courtesy of DBB

Pillow Fight

Driving at night. Wearing that two-piece. Getting those bangs. Grilling. Not washing the dishes. Speaking without being spoken to. Those are just a few examples of the bad ideas that women have from time to time. They are all poor choices in their own right, but they do not compare to the folly that occurs when women decide on the amount of pillows needed for a bed.

Four pillows is an acceptable number. A tad excessive for my taste, but I do understand that there are some people that enjoy being propped more than I when it comes to sleep. Any amount of proppage can be attained with two pillows. That's all you need. Two pillows max for one person, with a maximum of two people per bed, that equals four pillows. No need for more. When you get beyond that, it turns out that pillows are just a f*cking hassle. You have to take the excess pillows off of the bed. You have to find a suitable spot to place said pillows. Extra pillows take up room. After going through the tedious task of making a bed, you then have to put some ungodly amount of pillows back onto the bed in a symmetrical, color-coordinated, perfectly-aligned sort of way.

Whatever aesthetic value that comes from having the useless pillows on the bed is overwhelmingly trumped by the pain-in-the-assedness that is the process of putting them there in the first place. A bed looks fine with just four pillows. It really, truly does. All of us promise you. Please stop putting more than four pillows on the bed, or we will (a) refuse to make the bed under any circumstance, or (b) use those pillows to stifle the moans of your best friend while we nail her out of spite.



Story of my life

Particularly the bit about Mike Tyson.

This will probably be equal parts stupid and hilarious.

Oh man, I love 30 Rock


A good lunch post.

The World's Most Perfect Food

A few years after WWII ended, a young man working in a small restaurant in Sweden developed a new way to process bacon. By precooking it and blending it in a special way, he was able to make a fully cooked 100% bacon paste that could be squeezed from a tube. Knowing he had discovered something paradigm-shifting, young Vilhelm Lillefläsk quickly went into business. That, dear friends, is when Squeez Bacon® was born. And this delicious delectable from Sweden has finally been brought over to the USA - now with American Flavor!

We've been working for months now with Vilhelm Lillefläsk (yes, he still runs the company!) to bring Squeez Bacon® here, and boy are we proud. Why? Because Squeez Bacon® is simply the tastiest bacon food product ever made. Did you know that it's rumored ABBA met while eating Squeez Bacon® sandwiches? And even IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad (we've heard) never travels without a case! He loves it on his American style meatballs. Ojojoj!

Vilhelm Lillefläsk's Squeez Bacon® is fully cooked 100% bacon. Due to the patented electro-mechanical process by which Squeez Bacon® is rendered, it requires no preservatives or other additives. Each serving is as healthy as real bacon, and equivalent to 4 premium slices of bacon! You can put it on sandwiches, pizza, pastas, bacon, soups, pies, eat it hot or cold (warm Squeez Bacon® on toasted rye is to die for), substitute it for bacon in your recipes, or even eat it right out of the tube like we do! If it's edible, it's better with Squeez Bacon®. In the immortal words of Vilhelm Lillefläsk, "Aldrig kommer att ge dig upp!" Once you get a taste of Squeez Bacon®, you'll know exactly what he meant.

I am very intrigued and wouldn't mind trying this.

Same Article Here


Not that anyone of you really care one way or the other, but B Harris and I didn't post yesterday (and we're sorry for that) because we spent the better part of the day trying to find little holes in the ground. We were not especially successful.

Other than weekends, this was the first day since mid-January that we had not put something up on the site. If you enjoyed the feeling of not becoming dumber because of reading the site, then I can promise you it will happen again. If you were sad and cut yourself, then I am sorry, but it might happen from time to time. Either way, B Harris is scouring the internet as I type to find soccer goals that happened over the weekend while we were throwing temper tantrums and clubs all over the short stuff.

Have a good day.


New Riddle...

I found this one to be tougher than the Einstein Riddle about the fish. See if you can figure it out. It took me a good 30 minutes.

Bad Shipping

5 guys who live in apartments make orders from the same company. Unfortunately the shipping company delivered every order to the wrong apartment.

1. Roger, who doesn't live in an end apartment, ordered the television set.
2. Tom lived next door to the man who received the dishware.
3. Mr. Weiseman, who didn't receive the automotive tools, lives two apartments from the man who ordered the downhill skis, and one apartment from Harry.
4. Ed, whose last name isn't Smith, lives in apartment #3, didn't receive the automotive tools.
5. Mr. Smith, who doesn't live in apartment #4, ordered the golf clubs but he received the item that Mr. Campbell ordered, which wasn't downhill skis.
6. The bachelor in apartment #1, which isn't Tom, ordered what Al received.
7. The man in apartment #2, who didn't receive the golf clubs, lives next door to where what he ordered was delivered.
8. Mr. Bates didn't order the downhill skis.
9. The television set was not delivered to Ed's apartment.
10. Tom lives in apartment #5.
11. Nothing is known about Mr. Harper.

What did Mr. Bates receive?

I'm your huckleberry, that's just my game.

One of my favorite roles in any movie ever. He plays it so well.


For those of you...

who enjoy the finer things in life.

Watch the Masters here.

Top Five Worst Places to Pick Up a Broad

A lot of bad can come from picking up random mates in less than reputable places. You really can not have any idea of what you are in for. So, for those of you in the practice of doing such things, I thought I would give you some helpful hints about some sites you should avoid.

5. Bar/Club: "But I often pick up lady friends at my local drinking establishment," you say, astonished. Yeah, this is the best of the bunch, but that doesn't mean it is a safe or sound idea. Firstly, don't sh*t where you eat. Most likely you will want to frequent said establishment again and those awkward hellos or even better awkward avoidances are big buzz killers. Secondly, the type of rando who would perform fellatio and other crimes against nature with you after meeting for the first time at a bar, is probably (said with a hint of cadence) not the type of female you want to be naked with and touching in the first place. They also might get the wrong impression and want to do it again, or even date you. Ludicrous, I know.

4. Health Clinic: She may be good looking in that eerie glow of the waiting room, but chances are that she is not just there for a check up or a tummy ache. Be wary. At least she is cognizant enough to recognize something is wrong, and responsible enough to do something about it. For that, we can applaud her, but you should hesitate to plow her. I will have to get confirmation from B Harris on this, but you should probably give her six to eight weeks or it will be deleterious to your special regions.

3. Strip Club: I really don't mean to offend any of our growing stripper readership, but come on. If you meet a girl at a strip club, stripper or otherwise, it is safe to assume that she is somewhat of a freak. And freaks like to get freaky. And they like to do this frequently. The frequency of cases involving rashes and strippers or girls that frequent strip clubs I would have to imagine is quite high. They might be fun for a crazy night of hot fornication, but the repercussions are sure to be weighty.

2. Street Corner: This really doesn't need any explanation. These girls do it for a living, so to have any sort of a livelihood and to support their numerous drug addictions, they are doing it quite often. Not to mention with the most depraved and wanton men the world can produce. They are sure to make you don a connie, but this doesn't really do anything for you. I would recommend avoiding at all costs, but I know for some of you, that isn't realistic.

1. Cardboard Box: One word...Hygiene. Oral or personal, this broad will most definitely lack both to the utmost degree. Certainly crazy because she loves the crack or the meth, or even crazier because she doesn't like her meds, this type of woman is liable to cut off your private parts and make a necklace or wind chime to hang in her humble abode. I don't really see anything advantageous about this other than the fact that she would be a cheap date. Heck, she would appreciate the change from your pocket.



Reno 911 is awesome.

Very old, but very funny.

Food Perfectionist....

Or Just Bat-Shit Crazy?

Cops: Man who didn't like sandwich attacks fiance

Philadelphia Daily News

benderw@phillynews.com 215-854-5255

Feeding picky eaters can be a pain.

Just ask Lyndel Toppin's fiancée, whose middle finger was almost chopped off when Toppin allegedly attacked her with a kitchen knife, according to Upper Darby police.

The reason for the assault, cops say, was a poorly made meatball sandwich. Specifically, the cheese placement was all wrong, which infuriated Toppin. "That was the catalyst," police Superintendent Michael Chitwood said.

The 44-year-old woman, whom cops did not identify, was preparing dinner last week in her Kingston Road home when Toppin "became enraged due to the victim not placing cheese on his hoagie roll correctly," according to the arrest affidavit.

Toppin grabbed a knife from the other room and slashed her finger, causing a deep laceration, she told police at Delaware County Memorial Hospital, where she received 23 stitches to close the gash.

Also, instead of chomping on the meatball sub that she'd made him, Toppin wrapped his teeth around his girlfriend's left wrist and refused to let go, the criminal complaint says.

"Toppin bit down on the victim's arm and would not release his bite," Upper Darby Investigator Matthew Rowles wrote in his report. The bite left swelling and teeth marks.

"It was a barbaric attack," Chitwood said.

The big cheese at the prison had a word to say about Toppin yesterday.

"Wait until he gets a load of the prison food," Superintendent John Reilly Jr. said.

Courtesy of DBB

A little how to...

This is for B Harris and anyone else that may or may not have had a little tantrum last night. It can also help with other occurrences of ill temper.

How to patch a hole in a wall



I recommended earlier on that you pick up something by Bill Bryson. Anything really, because most of his stuff at its worst, is good. These are just some random quotes that exemplify his cleverness and ability to observe.

Changing their names is something that towns do more often than you might think. Scranton, Pennsylvania, has gone through no fewer than eight names, the most notable of which was its first: Skunk's Misery. Mellifluousness is generally given priority over etymological considerations, as with Glendale, California, a name that combines the Scottish-Gaelic glen with the northern English dale to form a name that means "valley-valley".

Most states have laws against fornication and even masturbation lying somewhere on their books, though you would hardly know it, such is the evasive language with which the laws are phrased. One of the most popular phrases is "crime against nature" (though in California it is "the infamous crime against nature" and in Indiana "the abominable and detestable crime against nature"), but almost never to they specify what a crime against nature is. An innocent observer could be excused for concluding that it means chopping down trees or walking on the grass.

The French were remarkably shameless about [jumping queues]. [...] In New York [...] the queue jumpers would have been seized by the crowd and had their limbs torn from their sockets. Even in London the miscreants would have received a various rebuke - "I say, kindly take your place at the back of the queue, there's a good fellow" - but here there was not a peep of protest.

Black bears rarely attack. But here's the thing. Sometimes they do. All bears are agile, cunning and immensely strong, and they are always hungry. If they want to kill you and eat you, they can, and pretty much whenever they want. That doesn't happen often, but - and here is the absolutely salient point - once would be enough.

Some of these words deserve to be better known. Take velleity, which describes a mild desire, a wish or urge too mild to lead to action. Doesn't that seem a useful term? Or ugsome, a late medieval word meaning loathsome or disgusting. Our dictionaries are full of such words -- words describing the most specific of conditions, the most improbable of contingencies, the most arcane of distinctions.

A second and rather harsher problem is whether a person speaks English or simply thinks he speaks it. I have before me a brochure from the Italian city of Urbino, which contains a dozen pages of the most gloriously baroque and impenetrable English prose, lavishly garnished with misspellings, unexpected hyphenations, and twisted grammar. A brief extract: "The integrity and thus the vitality of Urbino is no chance, but a conservation due to the factors constituted in all probability by the approximate framework of the unity of the country, the difficulty od [sic] communications, the very concentric pattern of hill sistems or the remoteness from hi-ghly developed areas, the force of the original design proposed in its construction, with the means at the disposal of the new sciences of the Renaissance, as an ideal city even". It goes on like that for a dozen pages. There is scarcely a sentence that makes even momentary sense. I daresay that if all the people in Italy who speak English were asked to put up their hands, this author's would be one of the first to fly up, but whether he can be said to speak English is, to put it charitably, moot.

We have been chosen, ... by fate or providence or whatever you wish to call it. As far as we can tell, we are the best there is. We may be all there is. It's an unnerving thought that we may be the living universe's supreme achievement and its worst nightmare simultaneously.

Best. Week. Ever.

Arguably the best 7 day stretch of the sports year rolls on today, with another full slate of baseball games to help us forget about the lamest National Championship game ever that occurred last night.

But really, find me a better 7 days. It's impossible. Actually, make that 8 days.

From last Saturday until this coming Sunday, there was/will be: Final Four, MLB Opening Day, National Championship game, more baseball, Champions League Quarter Finals, even more Baseball, even more CL Quarters, baseball, and the Masters.

So we here at AU are happy because the Mariners and the O's are on pace for 162 wins, Junior Griffey is going to hit 162 bombs, and King Felix will win 28 games.


Nerds Unite!

Despite never having seen a Star Trek movie (I promise), and the flagrant stealing of the Dark Knight score, this trailer is fairly awesome.

If anyone came make this franchise less associated with living in your mom's basement, JJ Abrams can.

Well then

My word.

Beisbol been bery, bery good to me!

B Harris' stone-cold locks:

AL East - Like Cheeze said, this is without a doubt the strongest division in baseball. You almost feel for organization like the Jays and O's, who in years past had to contend with 2 thoroughbreds - now, it appears those cute little Rays are here and here for good. As for how they'll finish - you really can't find much between the top three: Rays get the nod for defense, Yanks for bats, and Sox for their arms. I like the Yanks here.

AL Central - Should be a two-horse race between the Twinks and the Tribe. Of course, no one gave the ChiSox the time of day last year, and everyone expected the Tigers to score 1,800 runs. Detroit has no healthy arms, (save Verlander), the Whitesox will have to rely entirely too much on an aging rotation (save Denks and Floyd, the latter of which can expect his numbers to rise significantly this year), and the Royals are for whatever reason, the sexy pick on the lot. A good rule of thumb is to ignore anything that comes out of John Kruk's mouth. Ditto Steve Philips. Actually, how about we just lump all of ESPN toegether. Read ESPN for game recaps - that's it. Their results-based analysis that focuses on things like "grit", "veteran leadership", etc. is awful. But that's a different rant. I like the Tribe.

AL West -
Terrible division. You can make an argument for all four teams. Obviously, being the homer that I am, expect Felix to pitch the M's to an improbable West title. Man, that was easy.

NL East - I like the Mets here. They've shit the bed the past two years when they've clearly been the best team in that division. While signing "closers" to huge contracts is ridiculous, KRod and Putz is an awfully nice back-end.

NL Central - Cubbies. Too much pop, too much pitching. Easily the class of the NL.

NL West - Hmm, which team will be first to 80 wins? I say the Dodgers. Heinous division, though.

WS - Yankees over Cubs

AL MVP - Maybe this year, people will give this guy credit for being the best AL centerfielder - a role he has held for 2+ years now. Grady Sizemore.

NL MVP - Prince Albert. Best player on the planet.

AL Cy Young - I'm not going to pick Felix, that would be too easy. Doc Halladay - best pitcher that doesn't get nearly the credit he deserves.

NL Cy Young - I hope Lincecum. But I'm betting on Johan, because the stupid baseball writers are stupid.

AL ROY - Elvis Andrus

NL ROY - Colby Rasmus

Play ball.

Ahh. Opening Day.

I am not even going to pretend that most of you would ever care about Opening Day, or baseball in general. But today that is what you are going to get because it is one of the best days all year long, significantly better than many holidays, especially Halloween. It marks the beginning of a sixth month span that is my favorite time of the year. I don't need to remark any further, but I figured I would make some projections for certain things...

AL East - Best division in baseball, bar none. The Yanks, Red Sox and Rays all have legitimate shots at making it to and winning the fall classic. I don't think it will be the yanks, because they are aging and I think, in fact, God hates them. Between the Rays and Sox, it really is a crap shoot, but I think the Rays might do it again. I'll be rooting for the O's though, which is a sad, sad thing.

AL Central - Bunch of teams that are right around each other in terms of talent. I don't think the Twins or the Tigers have to staffs to get them there down the stretch and the Royals have no chance. It is hard to choose between the Indians and ChiSox. Let's say Indians.

AL West - Shaping up to be a pretty poor division this year. Rangers have great hitting, zero pitching. Mariners could have a couple dominant pitchers, but not much hitting. Angels won't have Lackey or Santana for awhile, which could hurt them. Dallas Braden gets the opening nod for the A's. Need I say more? Angels by default.

NL East - Mets shored up their bullpen. The defending champs replaced Pat Burrell with Raul Ibanez, so they still have shitty defense in left. The Braves improved greatly by signing D Lowe (looked good last night) and Vazquez (perennially underrated) I think they'll have a chance to contend. Marlins probably won't contend even though they have Hanley Ramirez and a good 1-2 punch in Ricky Nolasco and Josh Johnson. The Nats might be the worst team in baseball again this year. I think the Mets might be able to pull it out with their improved bullpen, and I am not talking about K-Rod, although he does help. Thanks.

NL Central - Brewers, Cubs or Cardinals. The other teams just don't have the team to do it. Brew-Crew lose Sabathia, so I don't think they're in. Cardinals will compete, especially if Carpenter is as healthy as he looked this spring. Cubbies, well, they have a good team all the way around. Gotta go with them, especially if Harden stays healthy.

NL West - Worst division in baseball? I'd say so. Colorado has no pitching. San Diego has no offense. I have to say I like the way that Giants rotation is shaping up. Lincecum is lights out, hands down the most nasty pitcher in the game. I would kiss him in special places. With Randy, Matt Cain, and Sanchez behind him, they are looking mighty talented. Just make Zito the most expensive lefty specialist in the game, please. He does not deserve a rotation spot. The Dodgers are good, but I am going to pick Arizona for this division. That 1-2 punch of Webb and Haren is hard to beat in all of baseball.

World Series - Cubbies v Rays.

Cubbies finally taking it home. First time since 1908. 101 years.

NL MVP - Can't pick anyone other than Pujols. Hands down best hitter in the game. Great with the glove too.

AL MVP - Carlos Quentin - Looked headed for the honor before he got injured. Instead, stupid Dusty P finagled his way into it. If Quentin can stay healthy, I think it is his to lose.

NL CY - Santana seems to be losing some of those great peripherals and Lincecum is on the rise, but I think this might be the year that Brandon Webb takes it home.

AL CY - Most would say Sabathia, but we'll see how he does in the AL against some elite talent. Cliff Lee certainly won't repeat. King Felix (as much as I hate to admit it) has all the talent in the world, but can he put it all together? I think so. I think this will be his first of many Cy Youngs, even playing for the lowly Mariners. I watched him in the WBC and he should be untouchable every time out.

NL ROY - Hard to argue against that performance last night of Braves Rookie Jordan Schafer. Let's go with him.

AL ROY - OOOH, Wieters and Price, Wieters and Price. They get all the attention, but the fact is, they are starting the year in Triple A. I will go with Toronto OF, Travis Snider, who actually has a full time gig coming out of spring and can mash.


Well, that is all I will do for the day, I know most of you won't appreciate it in the slightest. But you can deal with it, because Opening day is the shit. and I'm knee deep in it.



Bruno at his best.

Not so fast, females

In a move undoubtedly supported by Cheeze, an Israeli ultra-orthodox newspaper has Photoshopped out two members of the new cabinet. Because they are female. Awesome.

In this combination of an originally transmitted image, top, and a digitally altered image that appeared in the Israeli ultra-orthodox newspaper Yated Neeman , show Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, center left, President Shimon Peres, center right, and members of Netanyahu's new government as they pose for an official photo at Peres' residence in Jerusalem Wednesday, April 1, 2009. In the bottom photo from the newspaper Yated Neeman,female cabinet ministers Limor Livnat, to the right of Netanyahu, and Sofa Landver , to the left of Netanyahu have been removed and replaced by Ariel Atias and Moshe Kachlon respectively.Two women serve in Israel's new Cabinet, but some Israelis would rather not see them. Newspapers aimed at ultra-Orthodox Jewish readers tampered with the inaugural photograph of the Cabinet, erasing ministers.

Bravo, Israel. Bravo.

Courtesy of KRod


There are some quality shows on television these days. I am quite fond of 30 Rock and The Office. I enjoy Jeopardy and Chuck. I like watching Bear Grylls and Iron Chef and Animal Planet. Aside from the few I mentioned, any I didn't not forget, and the classics that are in constant syndication (i.e. seinfeld, scrubs, etc..) the rest of the stuff you see on television is just complete rubbish. Lost, 90210, The Hills, Grey's Anatomy, American Idol, The Bachelor, John and Kate plus 8, America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, So you think you can dance?, Desperate Housewives, Gilmore Girls, Gossip Girls, Girls Next Door... an unending list of shows that I would never ever care to watch. I would only tune in to The Biggest Loser if it was the version that told the autobiographical story of B Harris.

"Who watches this filth?", you may be wondering. That's right. Women. Since the inception of the television, ratings have indicated that you can put any type of crap you want on the tube and girls will flock to their couches and Papasan Chairs (don't get me started). I think this is one of the main reasons that Billy Mays has become so popular. If not for women, this guy would not be on TV as much as he is. Therefore, and this is not the only reason, I blame you, ladies, for Billy Mays. Because you have godawful taste in television programming, and he certainly falls into that category.

Just flip on the tube and you will see his stupid face and hear his incessant yelling during almost every commercial break, advertising one of the following...

Orange Glo,
Engrave It,
Handy Switch,
Mighty Mend-It
Mighty Putty,
Hercules Hook,
Steam Buddy,
Big City Slider Station,
The Ding King,
ESPN 360,
And last but certainly not least, the product that brought Mr. Mays into our lives, seemingly forever, Oxi-Clean.

This product in particular leads me to my second blaming point and is further proof that women are responsible for his illustrious career as a nuisance.

I don't even really need to ask this, as it goes unstated in nearly every household in America, but who does the laundry? Mmmhmm. No answer necessary. Now, if women would just know their lot in life, do their jobs properly and learn how to get stains out of clothes with effort, not some magical powder, then there wouldn't have ever been any need nor market for Oxi-clean. It wouldn't have become a best seller, and William D. Mays would have been an obnoxious blip on our collective radar. But no, since girls love being lazy and are always looking for short-cuts, they bought. and bought. They nagged for a while, probably didn't bake me a nice pie, and then they bought some more. It was a damn slippery slope and now I am here, stuck at the f*cking bottom, scrambling for the f*cking remote every time one of his f*cking commercials comes on.

So, let's be fair. Every time a Billy Mays commercial comes on, the woman in your life and TV room has to dance seductively in front of the screen until the advertisement has ended. If you are in same situation as your father and this punishment would actually be worse than watching a Billy Mays commercial, then just have them fetch you a beer and make you some nachos. Make sure to spill said nachos on your nice white shirt or couch. Throw out the Oxi-clean and let that elbow grease go to work. I know it is no consolation for what they are putting us through, but it is the thought that counts.



B Harris and I, on more than 6 occasions, have been accused of practicing gay love together. Gay lovers, soul mates, fancy boys, poofs and a myriad of other things are casually directed towards us when we are together. So, as to not maintain any shred of dignity, we decided to compete in the first-ever Gay-Off, trying to top each other to see who could be more flamboyant. It was a very manly experience. I now have double digit chest hairs and B Harris' sperm modules finally dropped.

Without further ado...

B Harris: I anticipate the monthly arrival of "Gentlemen's Quarterly" with the same fervor of an expectant mother or Cheeze in the queue outside a book signing by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer.

Cheeze: I have often thought long and hard about buying a copy of World of Warcraft at BestBuy, but in the end, decide that I shouldn't because I don't like Mountain Dew and I know that I would become enthralled with the wizardry. And for the record, I started to read the Twilight series, but I couldn't even get through the second book. B Harris wears Head Gear while he sleeps.

B Harris: I have been known to tie and retie my necktie in the morning until it reaches that perfect length I so desire. During said activity, I may or may not be singing to myself or doing funny voices. As for the head gear, I have a prominent overbite and I do what I can to get by. And girls find it sexy to strap on.

Cheeze: I have purchased an Indigo Girls album and have been to a concert. The majority of girls there were fond of strapping things on.

B Harris: "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia remains one of the catchiest songs to ever be written, in my opinion. On 4 separate occasions, I have knowingly purchased shoes that Cheeze already owned. Breach of Man Code? Hardly. Breach of Limp-Wristed Funboy Code? Most certainly.

: I can openly admit to having an online shopping problem and an unhealthy (financially) addiction to jcrew.com. I have my suspicions B Harris often goes invisible on GChat for extended periods of time so he can avoid being bombarded by links to different attire on which I want a second opinion. (Today I dropped too much on the British Millerain Peacoat. B Harris approved.)

B Harris: Dogs and playing with dogs trumps nearly everything else in my life. As a youngster, I wanted desperately to become a veterinarian, but realized that I would at some point have to see dogs hurt and their blood - immediately changed my mind.

Cheeze: My girlfriend recently received a free gift after purchasing some make-up. It contained some sort of facial cream that you put under your eyes to take away the dark circles and such. I stole it from her. I apply it daily.

B Harris: I read TheSuperficial.com, which is a celebrity gossip blog. As I type this, I am eating the exact lunch that you'd find in most 3rd graders napsacks - PB&J. It is what I have 4 days out of five during the week.

Cheeze: I went home for lunch today, which is what I usually do, and counted the shoes I have around my room. There are 25 pairs. I have matching belts for all of my dress shoes, and two matching belts for my golf shoes, which happen to be the most expensive pair I own. Oh, that makes 26.

B Harris: I have no less than 50+ songs by Dashboard Confessional on my iPod and have seen him live. The other night, I viewed the French film, Amelie, by my lonesome. And I loved it.

: I can top that. I have on separate occasions watched Definitely Maybe, John Tucker Must Die and Love Actually by myself and only thought twice about it for a second.

B Harris
: And finally, the coup de grace - I frequent a private, invite-only online boutique store called RueLaLa. I have made several purchases from this site, despite having that less than manly phrase written all over the shipping boxes. I sent an invite to Cheeze. He accepted.

Cheeze: I am going to get B Harris a subscription to PlayGirl just for being a good friend.

This is SFW

Even though you might not think so...

Courtesy of Dennis via Ben

Either stop cheating or wear Groucho glasses

Because if you do neither, you're likely to be caught.


Cheating Husband Caught on Google Street View

A furious wife has called in divorce lawyers after spotting her husband’s car parked outside another woman’s house — on Google. She saw the Range Rover while using the internet giant’s new Street View service to snoop on a female friend’s home.

The hubby had claimed he was away on business, but his missus recognised his motor immediately because of
its blinged-up hubcaps. The love cheat is not the only husband trapped by Google’s controversial new 360-degree photo search which covers 25 cities and towns throughout the country.

Top media lawyer Mark Stephens said: “I was talking about the Range Rover case when another divorce lawyer came up to say his firm was dealing with the same sort of thing. People are getting caught out on Google.
“I suspect the husband’s lawyers will claim it was an invasion of privacy that will cost him his marriage and Range Rover.”

Street View has triggered a stream of complaints from people caught on camera since its launch on March 20.
Google removed some images — including a man sheepishly leaving a sex shop. An office worker was also caught having a crafty cigarette by a No Smoking sign. And yesterday The Sun told how a fleet of UFOs was spotted on Street View hovering over an East London bookies.


I suspect this is only the beginning. Of the end.

I'm not Driving...

Had to put up another video.

Applejacks! We eat what we like!


Dude, just do it, dude.

Must have been some dank sh*t.

Saybrook man wanted to feel pain of a shot

By ELLEN KOLMAN - Staff Writer - ekolman@starbeacon.com
Star Beacon

DENMARK TOWNSHIP — A Saybrook man apparently goaded his stepbrother into shooting him in the leg Sunday so he could learn what it feels like, police and sheriff’s reports show.

Sheriff’s deputies are investigating the apparent shooting that took place Sunday night at 1926 Route 193, Denmark Township.

Eric B. Fortune Jr., 19, 3711 Center Road, filed a false report with the Ashtabula Police Department, stating he was shot in the leg by an unknown assailant, Ashtabula police reports show. Ashtabula police and sheriff reports show Fortune was issued a minor misdemeanor summons for a falsification charge.

According to the sheriff’s report, a dispatcher advised deputies about 11 p.m. Sunday of a possible accidental shooting that occurred in Denmark Township where Fortune had been staying on and off for the past couple of weeks, and to meet him at the Ashtabula County Medical Center emergency room.

Fortune was transported to the hospital by his 18-year-old Jefferson girlfriend.

Fortune told deputies he was sorry for wasting the police departments’ time and said he lied to Ashtabula police. Fortune was treated for a single gun shot wound to his right inner calf muscle.

According to the reports, Fortune said he had been smoking marijuana during the night and had always wanted to know what it felt like to be shot by a gun. So he badgered his 17-year-old stepbrother, who happened to be at his home, to shoot him in the leg..

The stepbrother did shoot Fortune and then began to cry and so did Fortune, according to the report.

Deputies’ report states they questioned the girlfriend, who said Fortune told her to lie. After Fortune was release from the hospital, deputies followed him back to the Denmark address and could not find the gun or any evidence and the step-brother had left, according to reports.

Sheriff’s deputies will continue the investigation.

Fortune is no stranger to the court system. On Dec. 23, 2008, he pleaded guilty to the charge of possession of marijuana, and on March 24, he pleaded guilty to the charge of assault, according to Ashtabula Municipal Court records.

Courtesy of DBB

On a more serious note.

We here at AU know that the blog is full of jokes and crap and such. I hope that you don't take it too seriously, because I know I do. Most things are usually tongue-in-cheek and are meant for amusement; they do not reflect our true sentiments.

But today, I wanted to make an exception to this unspoken rule and congratulate B Harris on his engagement last night. I wish him a long and happy life, full of laughter and big-headed babies. I can't wait to get sloshed and throw up in a potted plant at his wedding reception. Or even better, the ceremony.

Good work, guys

You broke it.