8.19.2009

Apologies

Hey all,
I wanted to apologize to everyone that cares about this thing dying down lately. I was at the beach for two weeks and then I was in the process of moving/starting law school. I'll try to do some more in the coming days or weeks, but I am not quite sure I will have a lot of time. In the mean time, all you have to do is check out Dave Barry's blog or go to the thehighdefinite.com. They have all the entertaining stories that I could ever find and post here. Thanks for reading...

Cheeze.

7.31.2009

Perhaps it's just me who loves these?

In anticipation of the upcoming Premier League campaign, here are last year's goals of the season.

7.30.2009

Another fowarded joke from my dad

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently passed gas.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and it reverberated down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

Celebrity

As seen in August 08 Glamour magazine. Basically I'm an international playboy.

I’d also like to note that this quote was hardly what I said, verbatim. In fact, this is a mere bastardization of my actual statement, which was made at 11:00am on a rainy, hungover, Manhattan morning. What I said was much more clever and witty than this PG-13 version – I assure you.


7.24.2009

Quite a way to go if I say so myself

A RANDY sea lion named Mike died of exhaustion after a marathon mating session at a zoo.

The whiskery beast had been enjoying a morning romp with his harem Farah, Tiffy and Soda when keepers noticed something was wrong.

The dad of 12 was so exhausted that he could not even get out of his pool - and had to be pulled clear by staff.

Despite receiving treatment from a vet, the 45-stone "good natured" sea lion died from acute heart failure.

A spokesman for Nuremberg animal park in Germany said on Tuesday: "Mating season is a common time for fatalities when bulls often stop eating for days to devote themselves fully to mating.

"For sea lion bulls with a harem this is the most exhausting time."

California-born Mike was 19 - two years older than the average life expectancy.

The spokesman added: "He will be remembered fondly."

7.23.2009

What. A. Strike.

Another video? Sure. Especially when it's featuring brilliance like this.

This is easily one of the purest strikes I've ever seen. The lad just cannot hit it any better than he does here. From 35+ yards, easily - and the keeper is grounded.

Swears a lot, doesn't he?

New Sherlock Holmes trailer

Jolly good film, this.

7.22.2009

Slow Motion Sneezing



Cover your mouth.

7.21.2009

I would break my hand

Watch closely. Pretty sweet shit.





Stolen from here.

I'd like my birthday party here, please

Brooklyn Bowl














Located at 61 Wythe Ave. in Brooklyn, NY, this ultimate hang out spot sports a 16-lane bowling alley, a 600-capacity performance venue for concerts, and niceties like a custom-designed JBL Vertec sound system, a nine-screen high-definition digital video projection system overtop the lanes, cushy black Chesterfield couches, a bar that resembles a 19th century Coney Island shooting gallery serving up no less than 10 Brooklyn-brewed draughts, tables crafted from old bowling lanes, and an eclectic food menu created by local favorite Blue Ribbon. If The Dude were a non-broke New Yorker, this would be his hangout.

Pretty badass - except for the price, I'd imagine.

Found at Uncrate.

Amazing

I'm not usually too terribly into bluegrass, jazz fusion, and the like, but this takes the cake.

Bela Fleck and Flecktones (which includes world virtuoso bassist Victor Wooten) are pretty damned cool, and this happens to be my favorite song of theirs.

Performed live - just sick. And I tend to love steel drums with all my heart.

7.16.2009

So indie, it hurts

So Pitchfork is a pretty funny site. Wading through an album review, you'll find a dictionary, thesaurus, abacus, and protractor are all necessities to decipher half the shit they spew. The writing isn't for the faint of heart (nor is it for someone who just is curious to another layman's opinion of a band's latest offering). In fact, David Cross wrote a hilarious tongue-in-cheek review of the site, on the site. Read that here.

An example, whilst reading the review of the latest Doves album:

Perhaps this restlessness is indicative of certain frustration on Doves' part in seeing their efforts eclipsed by less imaginative, more mawkish Britpop bands, and in turn, a desire to distance themselves from the sad-sack pack; it's hard to imagine the likes of Elbow turning in something quite as fierce and paranoid as "House of Mirrors", a fuzz-soaked stomper punctuated by jarring, bump-in-the-night sound effects.

Yes, that was one sentence. It's okay though - one of Pitchfork's most redeeming traits rests in its "TV" section. Here, you can find countless videos of music, whether it be music videos, live performances, etc.

It's pretty awesome. Here are a few that I find to be most excellent for the price - zero dollars, American.


Vampire Weekend - M79



Phoenix - 1901



The Hold Steady - Lord I'm Discouraged

7.15.2009

Don't Even Reply

Horse Farm
Posted at: 2009-07-14 15:12:55 | 63 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
I am a 17 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.

Outstanding idea

It's ideas like this that really piss me off - sure, it's genius, but why in the hell did I not think of it?

From Uncrate:

Why carry around a separate bulky keychain when your key can be the chain? The Split Ring Key ($7/2-pack) is a blank that can be cut by any key cutter to fit KW1 or SC1 keyways, but featuring a ring at the top for connecting the rest of your keys, letting you get rid yourself of yet another unsightly pocket bulge.

This little beauty will increase your left pocket's real estate three-fold. Buy here.

7.14.2009

I can state with confidence that I hate these people without even knowing them.

Best kidnapping ever, except for the whole gun part.

Man kidnapped, force-fed beer

Published: Monday, July 13, 2009 4:18 p.m. MDT

A possible case of mistaken identity got a man kidnapped, force-fed beer and dumped on the side of the road, police said.

A passer-by found the man walking across Legacy Highway near Centerville about 9 a.m. Saturday. His hands were tied with hanger wire. He said he'd been kidnapped three hours earlier, said Salt Lake Police Sgt. Dennis McGowan.

He told police he had parked his car about 6 a.m. at his home near 1700 West and 400 North when two Spanish-speaking men dragged him out into the driveway. Once he'd been thrown inside their red pickup truck, he said they pulled a bag over his head, tied his hands and feet with coat hanger wire and put a gun to his stomach.

"They told him this was their area and that he can't sell drugs here," McGowan said. The man fervently denied that he has or sells any drugs.

The kidnappers force-fed him two cans of beer before kicking him out of the truck and driving off, very likely to pass him off as a drunk whose kidnapping story would be written off as nonsense, McGowan said. He had managed to kick off his leg constraints and cross the highway looking for help when the passer-by found him.

Officers found two empty beer cans and mangled wire hanger by the side of the highway that seem to confirm the man's account, McGowan said.

The man, whose name and age were not available, was not seriously injured.

Langhorne Slim

If you like some folk music, you'll probably like this song. The video I don't care for, but the music I do.

7.13.2009

This is even better. and sad. B Harris spends two years.

Women will spend almost one year of their lives deciding what to wear, a study found.

Published: 7:16AM BST 09 Jul 2009

The average female will spend 287 days rifling through their wardrobe.

Choosing outfits for work, nights out, dinner parties, holidays, gym and other activities means the average female will spend 287 days rifling through their wardrobe.

The biggest chunk of that time is used up picking a killer ensemble for Friday or Saturday nights out or selecting the right clothes for a holiday.

Experts found on average women spend 16 minutes every weekday morning deciding what to wear and around 14 minutes on a Saturday or Sunday morning.

A spokesman for clothes giant Matalan, which compiled the results after polling 2,491 women, said: "What you wear has a direct impact on how you feel about yourself and it is important a woman feels exceptional in her outfit.

"Whatever the occasion your clothes portray an image and we understand this is fundamentally important to women."

The study - which was based on an adult lifetime from the age of 16 to 60 - found most women will spend around 20 minutes deciding what to wear before hitting the town on a weekend night.

Week nights out can take up to 20 minutes a time too.

Deciding on what clothes to take on holiday uses up to 52 minutes each time.

While on holiday, ten minutes a morning will be taken up trying to find an acceptable outfit with another ten minutes spent picking evening clothes.

On top of that dinner parties, Christmas parties and black tie events - at around 36 minutes a time six times a year - adds up to three and a half days.

The study also found on average women will try on two outfits each morning before coming to a final decision. And one in two women spend 15 minutes the night before work working out what to wear.

Interesting.

Study: Ugly Men More Fertile, Produce More Sperm During Sex

Friday, July 10, 2009


Women wanting to get pregnant should find themselves an ugly man, new research suggests.

Scientists have found attractive males produce less sperm during sex.

Researchers think good-looking males are biologically geared to hold back their sperm in each encounter to increase their chance of impregnating more females.

But unattractive males know they are not going to bed so many females — so when they do get lucky they give it all they've got.

The findings from the University of Oxford and University College London are backed up by studies of chickens and fish, but researchers think they could well apply to humans too.

"Human attractiveness is complicated and influenced by a number of factors including cultural preferences," said UCL researcher Sam Tazzyman. "Nonetheless, ejaculate size and sperm quality are likely to have been molded by similar forces, like attractiveness and the number of sexual partners, that are important in other species."

Reporting the findings on the university's Web site, Tazzyman said, "The more attractive a male is, the more females will be willing to mate with him, reducing the value of each mating to him. This means it is optimal for him to contribute fewer sperm per mating."

7.10.2009

Because I love them

Man, I watched this last week at the beach and cried. So Good.

"How about you lookin' good, good as hell."

Ray Charles

Singing a song by Leon Russell. Good tune.



Call the number to donate to Arguably Useless.

7.09.2009

I love Craigslist

Thanks to my man over at the High Definite for making me aware of all these great sites. The internet is chalk full of stupid people and you will find them in hoards on CL.

Click Here to view You Suck at Craigslist.

7.08.2009

I laughed

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer.. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died . . . I'm married to his fuckin' widow."

I don't think a picture is appropriate

World’s strongest vagina breaks own record lifting 14 kilos

7 Jul, 11:33 PM

A Russian woman has set a new world record, lifting a 14-kg. glass ball with her vagina muscles. Tatiata Kozhevnikova of Novosibirsk, aged 42, has been exercising her intimate muscles for fifteen years, and has already made her entrance into the Guinness Book of Records as the possessor of the world’s strongest vagina, she proudly told Life.ru.

“After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls,” she said. “I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina. It took me ages to get it out!”

The embarrassing first experience did not scare Tatiana off. She developed quite a taste for vagina fitness, and now she has her exercising balls custom-made.

“You insert one of the balls in your vagina, and it has a string attached to it with a little hook at the very end. You fix a second ball onto this hook.”

The Russian recommends vaginal exercises to all women who want to improve their sex life.

“It’s enough to exercise your vagina five minutes a day, ladies, and in just one week you’ll be able to give yourself and your man unforgettable pleasure in bed,” she says.

7.07.2009

Bunch of Trivia

I had a lot of catching up to do especially when it came to my daily calendar.
Here are a couple...


1. What country's official name begins with the words "Oriental Republic of"?

2. How much does a Giant Panda weigh at birth?

3. What nightmarish 1972 action-adventure buddy film was promoted with the tagline, "This is the weekend they didn't play golf"?

4. What is a mouse potato?

5. Where is the largest active volcano on earth?

6. How long are the sandals that adorn the feet of the Statue of Liberty?

For the record, I only got number 3 correct.

I wonder what it tastes like


FIZZY drink makers Tango were in a tizzy last night after discovering a new can design spelt out a rude word.

The problem emerged with the first letter of each word on slogan Tango With Added Tango.

Neil Murphy, 33, who spotted the blunder at his Preston off licence, said: “I found it quite funny but I can see why parents will find it offensive.”

Tory MP Ann Widdicombe fumed: “It is deeply tasteless.”

Makers Britvic said it was a “coincidence”.

7.06.2009

Things you can learn in a week.

Hey all,

Back from the beach and slowly but surely reassembling things. I learned a lot of new things this past week and I just figured I'd put a list of some of them together.

1. Bud Light makes a damn killing at the beach. Or at least they did last week.

2. Dizzy Bat in a potentially deadly but highly entertaining game that should not be played on concrete, only sand.

3. A Full Extender is a great way to induce a need for a shower. Also, a great way to get beer in your eyes and on any other bodypart other than your mouth.

4. An alarming amount of self-averred straight men have an unhealthy obsession with Lady GaGa and Katie Perry. I would be a happy man if I never had to hear either one ever again.

5. Pear-Bear is half man-gaga/half machine and is most certainly the last man standing.

6. Don't ever try to peer pressure JC into a beer bong because he will most certainly puke, just like he said he would directly before said bong.

7. There are no less than 100 variations on the last name of one Sean "Marang".

8. The Nature Boy Rick Flair was alive and well last week at the beach.

9. Your neighbors will without a doubt hate Rick Flair.

10. The cops do not enjoy Rick Flair either, especially when you Wo, Woo, WOOOOOO them as they are walking back to their car after asking you to keep it down.

11. Bocce Ball is a very easy game.

12. Coronas can be opened with any number of different household items.

13. A Paper Towel is not a suitable replacement for toilet paper.

14. Miller Lite is still not an acceptable replacement for Bud Light.

15. Con Jarr is a mighty man when it comes to wiffle ball.

16. Wiffle ball is much more fun when played beer constantly in hand.

17. Sweet Tea Vodka is delicious.

18. Jean shorts are an acceptable form of beachwear.


And I am spent for the moment. Comment below with any other additions.

6.26.2009

Arguably Useless goes on Vacation.

Well folks,
Next week B Harris and I will be vacationing on the Outer Banks, so I seriously doubt there will be many updates, if any at all. I am sure our readership will drop to an all time low, because half the people that read the blog will be at the beach with us. I hope you remember to rejoin us after the 4th. Have a great week. I am sure you can find other things to entertain you.

Also,


Blank




B Harris edit - looks like my suit shall fit just fine...

6.25.2009

It's gettin easy...

A woman pleaded no contest last week to prostitution charges, accused of agreeing to be paid for services with a box of chips by a man who said he was a Frito-Lay employee.

Lahoma Sue Smith, 36, was ordered to pay a fine of $1,142 in municipal court from charges from a February arrest.

According to the police report, undercover officers noticed Smith "trying to catch a date” by flashing her headlights at SE 33 and Robinson. Officers said they followed Smith’s car and found her with her blouse open and found a man in the passenger seat pulling his pants up.

The man told police he was having marital problems and knew he could pick up a prostitute there.

Smith told police the man told her he was looking for company but he didn’t have any money, so she agreed to be paid with a $30 case of Frito-Lay chips he had in the back of his car.

When asked if she had ever been arrested for prostitution, Smith told police "Yes. Two or three times,” authorities said.

Smith was arrested on complaints of prostitution and suspicion of driving with a suspended license. The man was not arrested.

A police spokesman said the man was not arrested based on "officer discretion."

6.24.2009

Now you can hold your drink, foodstuffs, and still scratch your groin!

Introducing the "Go Plate" - it fits over cans, bottles, or even solo cups for those real classy summer parties.

I think it's wonderful. You can get them here.

Never cease to amaze me.

Lacking Good Sense

Watch your volume.

6.23.2009

My Hero?

Driver takes to the streets - on golf cart

By Don Behm of the Journal Sentinel

Posted: Jun. 22, 2009


Richfield — After drinking at least 10 beers at a golf course on state Highway 167 and being left behind by the relatives who brought him there, a South Milwaukee man decided to drive himself the nearly 40 miles back to his home - in a golf cart.

He did not even take the time to throw the empty beer cans out of the cart before hitting the road in the commandeered cart, according to a Washington County Sheriff's Department incident report released Monday.

The man, 47, was arrested Saturday on suspicion of second-offense operating a vehicle while intoxicated after a sheriff's deputy stopped the golf cart the suspect was driving southbound on state Highway 175, the report says.

The man told Deputy Andrew Meier that he was driving back to South Milwaukee after a group of "uncles" abandoned him at Kettle Hills Golf Course on Highway 167.

Meier was responding to a disorderly conduct complaint received at 5:53 p.m. about an intoxicated man on the course when he observed a man driving a cart on Highway 167, the report says. The cart turned southbound onto Highway 175, less than a mile east of the course, without stopping at the stop sign.

After Meier turned on the squad car's emergency lights and air horn, the suspect turned to wave and then pulled the cart onto the shoulder of the highway, according to the report. But the man continued driving the cart.

The deputy then used a siren, and the driver eventually stopped the cart about three-tenths of a mile south of the intersection, the report says, or about a mile from the golf course.

Eight open beer cans were found in the cart. Meier reported that the man's speech was slurred and that his eyes were glassy and bloodshot.

The man admitted that he had consumed around 10 beers while at the golf course, but that he did not believe he was intoxicated.

The suspect later told Meier that he did not know where he was at the time of the traffic stop and that "he did not even realize he was driving the golf cart on the road until he saw the squad with lights behind him," the report says.

Kettle Hills employees subsequently retrieved the cart.

After the man failed field sobriety tests, a breath test indicated the man had a blood-alcohol level of 0.138. In Wisconsin, a level of 0.08 is evidence that an adult driver is intoxicated.

The man was arrested and taken to the Slinger Police Department, where he agreed to submit to a chemical test of his breath with an Intoximeter. That test indicated a blood-alcohol level of 0.14, the report says.

He was released into his wife's custody.

In addition to the offense of operating a vehicle while intoxicated, the man was ticketed on allegations of open intoxicants in a motor vehicle and failure to stop at a stop sign.

And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O".

Thanks High Def. I love Vinnie Jones.

6.22.2009

You've got to be kidding...

Click Here to figure out what I am talking about.

6.21.2009

Happy Father's Day

Watching the Open right now with my pops. Be thankful everyone.

These are great videos.



6.19.2009

Also,

The High Definite alerted me to the existence of a great website, dontevenreply.com

Check it out, it is great. Here is a preview.

420 Friendly
Posted at: 2009-06-09 01:51:29

Original ad:
26 year old female who loves music looking for friendly male concert buddy.

i have tickets to see STS9 tomorrow night and am looking for someone to go with me to see them. you must be 420 friendly!
From Timmy Tucker to ***********@***********.org

Dear potential concert buddy,

I saw your ad and am very interested. I love music. About myself, I am a 25-year-old music loving male. I see all kinds of concerts and would love to check out STS9, I'm not quite sure what kind of music that is.

I am not sure what you mean by 420 friendly, however. Do you live near route 420? That isn't a problem for me, since it is kind of on the way to Philly anyway. Email me back if you want to go to the show with me.

Thank you,

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

hi tim. i wasn't talking about route 420...you have to be "cool" if you know what I mean.

stacey

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

Stacey,

Glad to hear back from you! Unfortunately I am a little confused. I am cool, at least my mother and co-workers say so. So if you want someone who is cool, I am your guy!

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

no i dont think you get me. you need to be down with the chronic lol. ya get me?

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

Stacey,

Are you talking about Dr. Dre's album The Chronic? I love hip hop! Is that what kind of music STS9 is? I assure you that I am "down" with that album. You can play it in the car on the way to the show if you like.

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

um no...ok i dont think you are the type person i want to go to the concert with no offense

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

Stacey,

I'm not sure why you suddenly decided not to go to the concert with me. I am kind of disappointed, because I just bought an ounce of headies and was looking for someone else to smoke it with. My other friend has tickets to go see bisco in Baltimore so I guess I'll just go with him.

Sorry we couldn't be friends,

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

wtf are you fucking serious? why were you being so dense about the 420 thing! and wtf you are seeing bisco but you never heard of sts9?

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

I'm not sure what you mean about the "420 thing." What are you talking about?

From Stacey ***** to Me

ugh nvm

U.S. Open

Sorry for the lack of posts today. Most of my time has been spent watching the U.S. Open online.

If you would like to do the same, you can go here. Pretty nice streaming video.

Enjoy your weekend.

6.18.2009

I don't know what to think about this article.

Intriguing, but a little odd at the same time.


Russian girl in intensive care after restoring virginity 6 times

17 Jun, 02:08 PM

A Russian woman ended up in intensive care after restoring her virginity for the sixth time.

The woman, identified as Natalia K., got married at 24. Her husband was not the girl's first sexual partner, Life.ru writes.

When the husband confessed he was upset about her losing her virginity before the wedding and with another man, Natalia decided to make things up for him.

To celebrate their first year together as a married couple, she went to a plastic surgery clinic and had a hymenoplasty operation.

The husband was so delighted with the present, that a year later Natalia wanted to give that joy to him again. And the next year, and the year after that.

The sixth time the woman came for revirgination surgery, the doctors warned her it posed dangers for her health. Nevertheless, Natalia signed a waiver of all claims and had the surgery done.

But the doctors' fears turned out to be justified. The woman's weakened immune system failed to fight an unspecified minor infection she caught after the surgery, and landed her in intensive care.

Super Troopers?

The following story reminds me of the video after the story.

McMenacing? Cop Accused Of Pulling Gun At McD's
Written by Brian Maass

A Denver police officer has been suspended after allegedly brandishing his gun at a McDonald's restaurant in Aurora after his order took too long to fill.

Aurora police confirmed the CBS4 investigation saying the incident occurred May 21 at the McDonald's at 18181 East Hampden Avenue.

A spokesperson for the Aurora Police Department said they plan to present the case -- now classified as a felony menacing incident -- to the Arapahoe County District Attorney's Office Thursday for possible filing of criminal charges.

Sources familiar with the case, and the fast food worker's account of what happened, say two off-duty Denver police officers placed an order from their car in the early morning hours of May 21. But once at the drive through window, the employee said the men became agitated and angry at how long their food was taking. The men thought they were being ignored, according to contacts familiar with the worker's account. The male clerk then said one of the officer's flashed his police badge and pointed a pistol through the drive through window in a threatening manner, before driving off without paying.

Both officers are assigned to Denver International Airport although only one has been placed on administrative leave with pay, pending the outcome of the case.


Super Troopers - Liter of Cola

6.17.2009

Sign me up.

Another Best of CL. I'm telling you people...

Drunk as Balls Dojo
Date: 2009-05-11, 12:21AM MST


Are you a casual drunk to full blown alcoholic? Is your mouth often writing checks your fists can't cash? Drunk as Balls Dojo is the answer to all of your problems. At Drunk as Balls Dojo you will learn the fine art of bar fighting from one of the nation's premiere trouble drunks- Ryan O'Reilly. Master O'Reilly has been banned nationally from such established chains as Friday's, Buffalo Wild Wings, and every Border's Book Store containing a Starbucks. He is an expert in the "What are you looking at" and "You got a problem" fighting styles, but is very skilled in a variety of other styles such as "She was talking to me."

Master O'reilly will take you from the pansy-ass lush you are now to becoming a true liability in only 5 weeks. Intensive training covering such varied areas of self-offense as:
-Using wing sauce as a weapon
-Breaking a beer bottle without slicing and dicing your hands
- Accurate projectile vomiting
- Flicking a lit cigarette into someones face
- "Getting the fuck outta there"

Classes will be held every Monday, Weds, and Friday- with Fridays being reserved for critiquing failed technique in the classic and award winning movie Roadhouse. You'll come to class, get wasted drunk, and mix it up with other like-minded individuals. Master Ryan will show you the path to true 'trouble maker.' Only when you reach that point will you be able to tell that douche-bag how ridiculous his shirt/hat/girlfriend is with the confidence that only comes from being trained as a drunk fighter. If you aspire to bar-flydom, this class is a must have!

Classes start at $50 a week + a 12 pack per class.

* Location: Tempe
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1164655647

6.16.2009

Strong Island

I'm not sure whether to laugh or to... actually, it's pretty clear-cut. These are the biggest bunch of effing morons I've ever seen.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Long Island Wants to Secede
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorJason Jones in Iran

Mind the Volume

When you watch this video. It gets pretty loud. My favorite is at the 1:04 mark.


__________________________________

Thieved from here

Questions

1. What Famous American writer and humorist once quipped, "I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way"?


2. In the world of hybrid designer dogs, what's a peagle?


3. According to the Old Testament, how old was Noah when the rains began?


4. What foreign language was created by American linguist Marc Okrand?


5. What do Americans call the pastime that the English call "ducks and drakes" the Danes call "smutting" and the French call "ricochet"?


6. At the Olympic Games, what countries are represented by the abbreviations BAR, MAR and PAR?
__________________________________

For your information, I did not get any of the questions correct. This Trivia Question-A-Day calendar sucks.

6.15.2009

What? She was probably not skilled in the art of the Blow J

Police: Teens had sex in moving car

By Anthony Cormier


Published: Friday, June 12, 2009 at 1:48 p.m.
Last Modified: Friday, June 12, 2009 at 1:48 p.m.

Two teenagers were charged with misdemeanors after a police officer reportedly caught them having sex — in a moving car.

The officer spotted a blue Hyundai driving erratically on Hyde Park Street on Thursday and turned on his emergency lights to see if the driver needed help.

The car suddenly pulled across the road, though, and came to a stop. When the officer went to the driver’s door, the teens — Robert Gonzalez, 19, and Melissa Washington, 18 — quickly tried to pull up their pants.

They had been sitting together in the driver’s seat and “it became obvious that they had been engaged in sexual intercourse,” the officer wrote in an arrest report.

Gonzalez and Washington were both charged with lewd and lascivious behavior and booked into the county jail.

Leave it to the Japanese

To come up with something such as this.




_______________________________________

Pee without noise stool?!? you may be asking...Just click here to figure it out.

Stop your bitching

Your life is not nearly as difficult as you'd like to believe.

Fantastic inspiration for a Monday morning.






6.11.2009

B Harris in High School


Click Here to see many other poor choices.

Great Story

Forger too bad at forgery to be guilty of forgery
Thursday, June 11, 2009

An Argentine man who tried to use two counterfeit bills has been found innocent - because he was so bad at forgery.

A federal court in Buenos Aires says the forged bills presented by Marcos Ribles were 'so clumsy and crude' that 'they could not be accepted by most people.'

The court says the 65-year-old man tried to pass a false 100-peso note, nominally worth about £16, as well as a false U.S. $50 bill.

Judges say the counterfeit bills had such shoddy printing and poor-quality paper that nobody could be fooled.

The court announced its ruling dismissing the charges on Wednesday.
_____________________________________


An artist's impression of what the forged bill may have looked like

Struggling

to think of anything today and B Harris is out of town. So, you get a wonderful picture.

6.10.2009

You show him, Preppy

Surprisingly hilarious - I love you, Zack.

My Neighbor...The Genius


FEBRUARY 9--Meet Shane Walker. Last Tuesday, the Charleston, West Virginia woman contacted cops to say that her boyfriend had stolen her marijuana stash. Normally, that's not something you share with the fuzz. But Walker apparently really wanted those 3.5 ounces back. As a result Walker spent her 25th birthday in the local lockup and is facing a felony possession charge, according to this amusing criminal complaint.
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6.09.2009

Graaaaandpa

You wily ol' devil, you.
























The doors to a Center City bank swung open yesterday morning, and in shuffled trouble.

It's likely that at first, no one was intimidated by the presence of the man with the hunched shoulders, flat-brimmed baseball cap and large, dark sunglasses.

But within seconds, the awful truth was apparent inside the Citizens Bank at 20th and Market streets: They were in the presence of the rarest of criminals - an elderly bandit.

The thief, a white man who FBI officials said is "in his 60s, maybe 70s," struck at 9:34 a.m., when he handed a pillowcase to a bank teller and demanded cash.

The teller complied. FBI officials said the bandit fled on foot, and soon sported the fruits of his labor across his brown shirt - stains from an exploding dye pack that was hidden inside his stolen loot.

Surveillance images were released also showing the thin, 5-foot-11 crook - who wore khaki pants and brown, Timberland-style boots - as he entered the bank and then collected his pillowcase full of cash.

"Clearly, this was unusual," said an FBI spokesman, Special Agent J.J. Klaver. "He was on the older side of what we usually see."

Since 2006, the FBI has arrested just one bank robber who was in his 60s or 70s.

Typically, FBI agents are hunting for thieves who are in their 30s, Klaver noted.

--------------------

Link. Courtesy of Chili-dog

Gift idea for B Harris

This is a T-Shirt that can be found at Threadless. It is entitled "Gay Pride". Will somebody please purchase it for B Harris?
Thanks in advance.

Oh, Jeremy Piven

This role looks like a real stretch for him...

Either way, it should prove to be hilarious.

6.08.2009

New Website

If you think mugshots are as amusing as I do, then you will probably appreciate this site and the degenerates that populate its many random pages.

Pick the Perp

All of these people really are the cream of the crop.

6.05.2009

Go Here

Give A Shit Project

I think this sounds like a pretty cool idea, yet way too magnanimous for the likes of B Harris and me. So, you all should donate. It is only a quarter. We promise not to start asking for donations, at least until this coming fall when I am a lowly student again and in desperate need of funds.

B Harris' New Bad-Ass Going Out Party Shirt

Now he needs some stupid tats and he'll be all set. Start dropping those panties, ladies.

Homework

Good morning class,

I know you all are excited that it is Friday and you are probably looking forward to your weekends. I am too, naturally. But before we go, I have an assignment for you over the weekend. What?!? Homework on the weekend? Yes. I expect every single one of you to go home and watch Varsity Blues at least twice. PHEW. "I thought it was going to be something that wasn't completely awesome and wildly entertaining," you are saying to yourself. Alas, no disappointment here. On Monday we will have such discussions as:

1. The role of Jonathan "Mox" Moxon as a Christ-Figure in the film.

2. The tragicomedy that is the life/appearance of Billy Bob.

3. The influence of drugs and alcohol on today's youth.

4. The similarities between your father and Mox's father.

5. How many ways from Sunday you would tap Paul Walker's sexy ass.

6. The love triangle of rising star James Van Der Beek, Amy Smart and Ali Larter.

And the question we've all be asking ourselves for years...

7. How in the world did this movie not win the best picture Oscar?


Now here are some quotes to get you salivating for your movie plans.


Charlie Tweeder: Jonathan Moxon your are under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue, now take off your clothes and get in the car.
________________________________

Charlie Tweeder: Will you listen to me? Bitches are all just panty droppers. You understand? That's it.
Mox: What?
Charlie Tweeder: Listen. You give 'em Percocet, two Vicoden and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It's very nice.
_________________________________

Miss Davis: Can anyone tell me a common slang term for the male erection?
Student: Boner? Is boner one?
Miss Davis: Yes! Boner is good, boner is very good!
_________________________________

Mox: I don't want your life!

I crush your skull

Ha.

6.04.2009

Poor Cheeze

Unfortunately, Cheeze was placed under arrest last night by two officers in West Virginia. While the specifics remain unclear, this amateur video captured proceedings. I hope he is able to post bail.

Possibly my new favorite site.

LATFH

It is an acronym for Look at this Fucking Hipster.

Here are some examples, so you know what you are getting yourself into...

Man, hipsters are the worst.



6.03.2009

This goes for you, Cheeze

Event Tonight

For those of you living in and around DC, there is a great opportunity to possibly see some history be made later this evening. At 7:05pm this evening, The Washington Nationals play the San Francisco Giants and Randy Johnson takes the mound trying to become only the 24th pitcher in MLB history to win at least 300 games. This type of stuff does not happen very often and I think it will be a memorable occasion if he does pull of the win.

So, if you are a baseball fan in general, or just would like to attend a baseball game on a fine evening, you should make it out to the ballpark. I am sure plenty of tickets are still available and you can get them on the cheap. I know I'd be there if I had the chance.

Side note: You will also get to see one of the faces of the future for the Nationals on the mound, Jordan Zimmermann. All in all, it promises to be a good game and a fun evening.

This kid is awesome.

Plano teen eats fetal pig parts on classmates' dare

09:09 AM CDT on Saturday, May 30, 2009

By MATTHEW HAAG / The Dallas Morning News
mhaag@dallasnews.com


Some kids will do anything for money.

Last week at Shepton High School in Plano, a ninth-grader agreed to eat parts of a fetal pig – and not just any parts – for $50.

The second-period biology class was wrapping up a third session on dissection when a couple of students proposed the dare.

"What was I eating?" the boy recalled asking.

Testicles, the students replied.

He gulped them down one at a time, he said, trying not to bite down.

"It was just like swallowing a pill," said the 15-year-old, who is not being identified because of his age. "It wasn't that bad."

School officials, who declined to comment, apparently took a different view, especially because the pigs are soaked in formaldehyde, a toxic chemical used to preserve the tissue.

They called the boy's mother, who couldn't be reached for comment, and a trip to the hospital followed.

"She said, 'How could you be so stupid?' " the boy said.

After the hospital, he said, he went home and brushed his teeth – three times.

He said he collected $40 but owes his mom $100 for the hospital visit.

"It wasn't very smart," the boy said.

6.02.2009

Missing D.C.

One of the things that I miss most about moving away from the DC Metropolitan area is I no longer get the Washington Post on a daily basis. It is a very good paper and I appreciate that, but I think the main thing I like about it is that I grew up on the format and I got used to it, so I don't love reading other newspapers. There are many different aspects of the paper that I enjoy, from the Post Magazine on Sunday (Gene's Articles), to the format of the Sports page and their coverage of Orioles baseball. I also wish I could do the paper version of the Crossword puzzle. I've started doing it online. You can too if you'd like. It's not the same as doing it in the newspaper though.

Click the link below for a printable version of today's crossword.

Crossword Puzzle

Worst First Pitches

This clip was on SportsCenter yesterday and it amused me to no end.

Nothing to do with The Hangover

Yet still hilarious.

More pleasing to the eye than, say, an old hopscotch game (Cheeze's favorite)

"Julian Beever is an English artist who is famous for his art on the pavements of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium. Its peculiarity? Beever gives his drawings an anamorphosis view, his images are drawn in such a way which gives them three dimensionality when viewing from the correct angle."

This guy truly is ridiculous. Have a butcher's at some of the cooler ones below.



6.01.2009

Sir Charles doesn't play by anybody's rules

Not even his own.

Barkley being a clownshoe - shocker.

This game is stupid

I wish it was a game where you got to trap the cat and then smash it or something. I would be intrigued. It might succeed in keeping you occupied for 10 minutes on this glorious Monday.

Click Here.


I prefer this game.

Escapa!

Holy Pig.

Giant feral pig 'was eating a cow'



THIS giant feral pig was shot on a Pilbara cattle station after it was spotted eating a dead cow.

The picture has been circulating on the internet alongside claims the boar was killed at various locations across Australia.

It was written off as a hoax by many, including WA's Department of Environment and Conservation, and sparked much debate when published on website PerthNow.

But The Sunday Times has confirmed that the pig was shot on a Pilbara cattle station near Newman, 1200km northeast of Perth.

Sources close to the family of the man in the photo have confirmed he is Pilbara pastoralist John Anick and the picture was taken on his property three years ago.

The family refused to talk about the giant boar, for fear that illegal pig hunters would flock to the area.

The source said the 220kg beast was eating a cow when it was first seen by workers mustering cattle in a helicopter. Mr Anick saw it again on a trip to check windmills on the property and shot it.

``I can vouch 100 per cent, I don't even have to say 90 per cent, that it (the photo) was taken in the Pilbara and it is who I said it is,'' the source said.

This reader comment was left on the PerthNow report this week: ``Information I have on this photo is that it was shot by John Anick ... During muster a helicopter spotted it and when told John drove out and shot it! Many sausages were made and eaten, so I'm told!''

DEC spokesman Nigel Higgs said the picture was a fake.

``There are some pigs at De Grey River, east of Port Hedland, and some domestic pigs gone wild near Savory Creek, 200km east of Newman, but they are small and pink,'' he said.

Another source working in Perth claimed to have scanned the original photograph into a computer.

Hoax-Slayer.com says an article in the January 2007 edition of Sporting Shooter also states the boar was shot on a cattle station in the Pilbara.

There are estimated to be more than 23 million feral pigs roaming the nation, predominantly in New South Wales, Queensland and the Northern Territory.

They prey on native species and destroy habitats.

The DEC has culled hundreds in the state's South-West over the past two years.

5.29.2009

Ha.

Click to Enlarge

A new low...

Wearable Towel: Summer's Answer To The Snuggie
By Laura Northrup

It's too warm out now to use your Snuggie, but you just don't look weird enough around the house. What to do? The alert trendspotters at Gawker brought this exciting new product to our attention. Meet the Wearable Towel! The towel with arm openings! There's even a Snuggie-style commercial on the site, which, mercifully, I can't embed here. Sorry, it's on YouTube. I have to inflict it on you.

The Wearable Towel, which can best be described as "a towel, with some slits in it" can be worn "tunic-style" or "toga-style." The commercial even shows someone wearing it outside. Outside of the house. To get the paper. OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE.

5.28.2009

Cheeky

Clever bits of skill, and the occasional unnecessary trickery. Either way, very cool stuff.

Hmm....

Swazi MP apologizes for HIV branding proposal
Thu May 28, 2009 10:05am EDT

JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - A Swaziland parliamentarian has apologized after calling for HIV-positive people to be branded on the buttocks to stop the spread of the virus ravaging the country.

Timothy Myeni drew widespread criticism after telling a parliamentarians' workshop in Swaziland that the move would enable people to check partners for a warning stamp before sex.

"I'm very sorry. If you need me to show a sign of how sorry I am, I'm ready," SAPA news agency quoted Myeni as telling a news conference in Johannesburg on Thursday.

Critics say Swaziland King Mswati III, who chose a new wife last year at a traditional Reed Dance, sets a bad example by encouraging polygamy in a country with one of the world's highest HIV/AIDS prevalence rates.
_____________________________________

I understand why this is offensive and I don't condone it, but I would think it would be a good idea in other contexts. Like a Bat-shit crazy branding.

Think of it...

Excuse me my prospective lover, but it appears that you have been branded "crazy-as-a-shithouse-rat," so I am going to have to go ahead and collect my belongings. I'll be out of your hair in no time, please don't follow me, stalk me, call me or show up at my work. I hope to dear God that this is the last time we talk. I am relieved we didn't consummate this fake love affair.

It would save a good many men a whole shit-ton of grief.

I wonder if I have this Timothy Myeni's email address somewhere in my SPAM folder.

This is pretty neat.

Tip o' the Cap

Here's to the Catalan Giants for the well-deserved victory yesterday over the Manc scum, United. They were the better side all year, and they proved it with a dominating display in Rome. It was also refreshing to see ESPN show some love to the sporting event that garners nearly double the sets of eyes that the Super Bowl does. Now if Liverpool would just win again, we would all be happy.

FC Barca - Champions of Europe.

I think a bottle of wine or 8 was consumed in Spain last evening.

Car Music

I wouldn't necessarily say that I am trying to make suggestions, but I thought I would share with you all the albums that I am currently listening to in my car on a regular basis. If you are looking for something new, try them out. If you are already listening to the albums, good for you. If you don't like the music, then you can go suck a lemon.

1. Bandazian - O Pioneer

A couple of my buddies play in the band, and they are quite talented. I don't think this is a biased opinion either. Clippership is my favorite song at the moment. You can find these guys on ITunes and myspace at http://www.myspace.com/bandazian.

2. Jason Anderson - The Hopeful and the Unafraid

Just started listening to this fella. I got word of him from Mr. Hova and I have become a fan of sorts. I don't love every song on the album but I can stand to listen to most. July 4, 2004 is a good one and so is Watch Your Step. Again he can be found on ITunes and myspace at http://www.myspace.com/jasonandersonswebsite.

3. Alberta Cross - The Thief and the Heartbreaker

Believe it or not, B Harris recommended this one to me. And it turned out to be good. I kid... he and I have very similar tastes in music and this band is one that we both enjoy. They have a great sound and will actually be playing at Bonnaroo this year. I think Low Man is a good song to start with. Check them out here.

4. Paul Simon - Negotiations and Love Songs and Graceland

Mixtape. But really, if you are a fan of good music then you should already know and love Graceland. I think it is my favorite album of all time hands down and it is a great car ride CD. Rhymin' Simon just has a way with lyrics and he can certainly put them to music.

5. Frightened Rabbit - Midnight Organ Fight and Sing the Grey's

Another Compilation. Scottish Band. Great Voice. I heard of these guys from Mr. Hova again, when he played me the song My Backwards Walk, and this group quickly became one of my favorites. Check out the aforementioned song or the Twist and I think you will like what you hear. http://www.myspace.com/frightenedrabbit

6. Nancy Griffith - One Fair Summer Evening

I wouldn't imagine most of the people reading this have ever listened to her, or would ever want to for that matter. But, I think she is great and has a beautiful voice and this album is one of my guilty pleasures. Certainly not for everyone, but I'd give it a listen if you are open minded and you might find a hidden gem here. Just google it, you'll find something.

7. Band of Horses - Cease to Begin

You probably should have already listened to this album through and through. Just good overall. The General Specific is a good one to start out on if you were just born to this world and have not listened to them before. There are other songs on the myspace page too.



That's all I can think of right now, and it pretty much encompasses what I've been listening to lately.

5.27.2009

Brings me back...

If you
A) are a male child of the 80's
B) owned a regular Nintendo video game system
C) are not prone to picking flowers and catching butterflies
then D) you probably played Mike Tyson's punch out at some point during your childhood. And enjoyed it.

Well good sirs, rejoice if you are fortunate enough to have a Wii gaming system, because Nintendo is bringing it back, albeit without the title character, which is probably a smart decision. I guess it was just released recently and it looks awesome.

5.26.2009

A lacrosse game sans Hopkins/Duke/UVA?

It does exist! And what a dandy yesterday's Championship between Empire-state rivals Cornell and the Cuse turned out to be.