Click to Enlarge

A new low...

Wearable Towel: Summer's Answer To The Snuggie
By Laura Northrup

It's too warm out now to use your Snuggie, but you just don't look weird enough around the house. What to do? The alert trendspotters at Gawker brought this exciting new product to our attention. Meet the Wearable Towel! The towel with arm openings! There's even a Snuggie-style commercial on the site, which, mercifully, I can't embed here. Sorry, it's on YouTube. I have to inflict it on you.

The Wearable Towel, which can best be described as "a towel, with some slits in it" can be worn "tunic-style" or "toga-style." The commercial even shows someone wearing it outside. Outside of the house. To get the paper. OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE.



Clever bits of skill, and the occasional unnecessary trickery. Either way, very cool stuff.


Swazi MP apologizes for HIV branding proposal
Thu May 28, 2009 10:05am EDT

JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - A Swaziland parliamentarian has apologized after calling for HIV-positive people to be branded on the buttocks to stop the spread of the virus ravaging the country.

Timothy Myeni drew widespread criticism after telling a parliamentarians' workshop in Swaziland that the move would enable people to check partners for a warning stamp before sex.

"I'm very sorry. If you need me to show a sign of how sorry I am, I'm ready," SAPA news agency quoted Myeni as telling a news conference in Johannesburg on Thursday.

Critics say Swaziland King Mswati III, who chose a new wife last year at a traditional Reed Dance, sets a bad example by encouraging polygamy in a country with one of the world's highest HIV/AIDS prevalence rates.

I understand why this is offensive and I don't condone it, but I would think it would be a good idea in other contexts. Like a Bat-shit crazy branding.

Think of it...

Excuse me my prospective lover, but it appears that you have been branded "crazy-as-a-shithouse-rat," so I am going to have to go ahead and collect my belongings. I'll be out of your hair in no time, please don't follow me, stalk me, call me or show up at my work. I hope to dear God that this is the last time we talk. I am relieved we didn't consummate this fake love affair.

It would save a good many men a whole shit-ton of grief.

I wonder if I have this Timothy Myeni's email address somewhere in my SPAM folder.

This is pretty neat.

Tip o' the Cap

Here's to the Catalan Giants for the well-deserved victory yesterday over the Manc scum, United. They were the better side all year, and they proved it with a dominating display in Rome. It was also refreshing to see ESPN show some love to the sporting event that garners nearly double the sets of eyes that the Super Bowl does. Now if Liverpool would just win again, we would all be happy.

FC Barca - Champions of Europe.

I think a bottle of wine or 8 was consumed in Spain last evening.

Car Music

I wouldn't necessarily say that I am trying to make suggestions, but I thought I would share with you all the albums that I am currently listening to in my car on a regular basis. If you are looking for something new, try them out. If you are already listening to the albums, good for you. If you don't like the music, then you can go suck a lemon.

1. Bandazian - O Pioneer

A couple of my buddies play in the band, and they are quite talented. I don't think this is a biased opinion either. Clippership is my favorite song at the moment. You can find these guys on ITunes and myspace at http://www.myspace.com/bandazian.

2. Jason Anderson - The Hopeful and the Unafraid

Just started listening to this fella. I got word of him from Mr. Hova and I have become a fan of sorts. I don't love every song on the album but I can stand to listen to most. July 4, 2004 is a good one and so is Watch Your Step. Again he can be found on ITunes and myspace at http://www.myspace.com/jasonandersonswebsite.

3. Alberta Cross - The Thief and the Heartbreaker

Believe it or not, B Harris recommended this one to me. And it turned out to be good. I kid... he and I have very similar tastes in music and this band is one that we both enjoy. They have a great sound and will actually be playing at Bonnaroo this year. I think Low Man is a good song to start with. Check them out here.

4. Paul Simon - Negotiations and Love Songs and Graceland

Mixtape. But really, if you are a fan of good music then you should already know and love Graceland. I think it is my favorite album of all time hands down and it is a great car ride CD. Rhymin' Simon just has a way with lyrics and he can certainly put them to music.

5. Frightened Rabbit - Midnight Organ Fight and Sing the Grey's

Another Compilation. Scottish Band. Great Voice. I heard of these guys from Mr. Hova again, when he played me the song My Backwards Walk, and this group quickly became one of my favorites. Check out the aforementioned song or the Twist and I think you will like what you hear. http://www.myspace.com/frightenedrabbit

6. Nancy Griffith - One Fair Summer Evening

I wouldn't imagine most of the people reading this have ever listened to her, or would ever want to for that matter. But, I think she is great and has a beautiful voice and this album is one of my guilty pleasures. Certainly not for everyone, but I'd give it a listen if you are open minded and you might find a hidden gem here. Just google it, you'll find something.

7. Band of Horses - Cease to Begin

You probably should have already listened to this album through and through. Just good overall. The General Specific is a good one to start out on if you were just born to this world and have not listened to them before. There are other songs on the myspace page too.

That's all I can think of right now, and it pretty much encompasses what I've been listening to lately.


Brings me back...

If you
A) are a male child of the 80's
B) owned a regular Nintendo video game system
C) are not prone to picking flowers and catching butterflies
then D) you probably played Mike Tyson's punch out at some point during your childhood. And enjoyed it.

Well good sirs, rejoice if you are fortunate enough to have a Wii gaming system, because Nintendo is bringing it back, albeit without the title character, which is probably a smart decision. I guess it was just released recently and it looks awesome.


A lacrosse game sans Hopkins/Duke/UVA?

It does exist! And what a dandy yesterday's Championship between Empire-state rivals Cornell and the Cuse turned out to be.

Premier League magic

Great compilation video for the recently ended 08/09 campaign.

United suck.

Trivial Post

Does anyone enjoy these?

1. The names of how many state capitals in the United States consist of two separate words? How about three words?

2. Who played Don Johnson's original partner in the 1984 pilot for Miami Vice -- and ended up a murder victim in the first 15 minutes of the program?

3. What military action during World War II was code-named Operation Neptune?

4. What color must all gondolas in Venice be painted, except for those transporting important officials?

and the easiest one of all...

5. What popular children's book does Forrest Gump carry in his suitcase in the 1994 film featuring Oscar-winner Tom Hanks in the title role?

I'll post the answers in a couple days if you'd like.

Here you go, Jerks, just in time for summer.

Study: 1 In 5 Adults Uses Pool As Toilet

PHOENIX -- A new study by the Water Quality and Health Council found that nearly one in five adults admits to urinating in a swimming pool instead of using the toilet.

Eight in 10 adults are convinced their fellow swimmers are guilty of such a crime, the study said.

Nevertheless, health officials insist that swimming in and even swallowing urine-contaminated water isn't harmful to someone's health.

"Urine in itself has been purified through a whole variety of bodily processes so that it's removed a lot of the contaminants in it," said Don Herrington from the Arizona Health Department.

Swimmers should be more concerned about swallowing parasites than swallowing urine, officials said.

Last summer, dozens of swimmers in the Phoenix area got sick from pool water, forcing the closure of all 29 Phoenix city pools.

The parasite which caused the illnesses, Cryptosporidium, comes from diarrhea.

Phoenix Parks and Recreation spokeswoman Amy Blakeney urged sick swimmers to stay out of the pool.

"People who are sick need to stay home and remain at home for 14 days after they're symptom-free, especially if they have diarrhea," Blakeney said.

Though city pools electronically monitor chlorine levels, the city of Phoenix has begun to require swimmers to shower before they jump in the pool as an extra precaution.

"Taking a shower allows those materials to rinse off and go down as sewage, and then gets a clean body into the pool water, which is what we all want," Blakeney said.

Personally, I am thinking that number is a little low.


My Memorial Day Weekend in Pictures








1. Raft, for carrying cooler and occupants
2. Wild Bill's Beef Jerky, for consuming copious amounts of sodium
3. Budweiser, for promoting awesome decisions and to help me sleep in the tent
4. Rope Swing, for moments of pure glee
5. Hot Dogs, for sustenance
6. Tent, for keeping the bugs off and spooning with Mr. Hova
7. Jager, for spooning with Mr. Hova and promulgating other bad ideas


Best Text from last night ever.

773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.

I wish it had been me who sent that text. Some people are just too creative for their own good.

And this one seems like it was written about B Harris...

(301): He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.


4 Lessons in not judging too quickly.

Holy Balls

I want one.

The John Deere M-Gator A1 ($TBD) is a combat-proven military utility vehicle that you can now put to use in your backyard. Powered by an 854cc Tier II Yanmar diesel engine, the 6x4 A1 navigates the toughest terrain and features a keyless ignition, dual radiator cooling system, and ample cargo room (1650 lbs total payload capacity) in the front and back. Once only available to military organizations, now the A1 can be purchased by "first responders in search and rescue operations."

Surely joy-riding atop my neighbor's flowerbed qualifies.

I wonder what drugs he had taken recently

468-year-old karate master kicked into jail
Trenchcoat man takes on Summit County cops with nunchucks
BY Robert Allen
summit daily news
Summit County, Colorado

A man with a history of violence was arrested on the Interstate-70 median last week after swinging a set of nunchucks in front of an officer with the Summit County Sheriff’s Office.

He was wearing a full-length trenchcoat and declared he was kicked off a bus in Silverthorne while on his way from Denver to Los Angeles.

The man said he had been “riding the bus when he saw a girl with the ‘swine flu’ and attempted to eliminate her by grabbing her throat,” according to the SCSO report.

Another passenger hit the man and he was thrown off the bus before he got into a fight with a gang at a gas station in Silverthorne, the man said.

Authorities found the man after receiving a call that he was in the I-70 median waving his arms at cars and screaming.

As the officer approached, the man turned his back, hiding his hands. When the man turned around, the officer spotted the nunchucks in his pants waistband.

Asked if he was carrying the weapon, the man responded: “Yeah, I am a karate master!”

The man began to swing the nunchucks around his upper body.

The officer aimed a Taser X-26 at the man, decided he was too far away, and began reaching for his handgun. The karate master dropped the nunchucks and began to walk away.

A knife and some marijuana was discovered on the man, in addition to the traditional Asian weapon.

En route to Summit County Jail, the man told the officer “that he was 468 years old, and was being hunted across the country by priests, nuns and monks,” according to the report.

He said he had just gotten out of prison after a prior assault in which he was shot in the foot by Denver Police Department.

Although the man acknowledged that he’s prohibited from owning nunchucks in Colorado, he said he could just get another pair if the ones he was carrying were taken.

He also talked to imaginary people while riding to the jail.

After the man was taken inside the jail, the officer inspected the back of the patrol car and found two .40 caliber handgun rounds. But no gun was found on the man or on the highway, and the man said he didn’t know where the rounds came from.

A background check showed assault, violence charges and several felony convictions in the past 10 years.

The karate master was booked with charges of possession of a prohibited weapon, felony menacing, felony weapons possession by a previous offender and possession of less than an ounce of marijuana.


For your Wednesday morning.

Arcade Fire - Rebellion (Lies)


Suck it, Trebek

Um, yes please

Guy Ritchie + RDJ + Jude Law (for the girls...and me...) = yes

When he thinks about you, he touches himself

Man Pulled From Women's Outhouse Tank

ALBANY, N.H. -- A man is facing charges after police said they pulled him from a tank under a women's toilet that was filled with human waste.

Police said that Gary Moody, 45, was under a log cabin outhouse off the Kancamagas Highway in Albany.

"You can draw your own conclusions as to the conditions we encountered," said Capt. John Hebert, of the Carroll County Sheriff's Department.

Police said that they got a call from the parents of a teenage girl who said that when she went to use the facilities, she saw Moody's face staring back at her from the hole.

Moody was hosed off before police cuffed him.

"It's a very filthy environment, and before we put anybody in contact with him, we had to decontaminate him," Hebert said. "We treated him as if he were hazardous material."

Hikers using the outhouse on Tuesday said that the story was enough to make their stomachs turn.

"He just must be sick to put yourself in that muck. Disgusting," said Harriett Voysey, of New Jersey.

Police said they don't know how long Moody was in the tank, but they said the door to it was locked, which means he must have gone in through the toilet. They said they don't know why he was there.

"I started this business in 1980, and I have never in my career encountered anybody in this type of situation," Hebert said.

Police charged Moody with criminal trespass, and they said he could face more charges. He is out on bail and due back in court next month.


Not Terrible at Piano

This is my buddy Dave. He writes songs and such for a living and is quite good at it. See for yourself, as he covers Dispatch's "The General".

Have a butcher's at his website and listen to his original stuff. Makes me wish I was still playing. It also makes me wish Cheeze didn't still live at home, but those are the breaks.

One sentence, Peter Travers-esque review of album: "
Baron’s penchant for crafting grand, sweeping melodies inundated with finely-tuned hooks is matched only by the immense talent he displays whilst sitting behind a piano."

Totally Rad

Roll out the red carpet and start polishing that Oscar for Lorenzo Lamas in...

More Trivia...

If you want answers, just ask.

Ads for what product popularized the phrase "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride"?

What Hollywood husband and wife--born 25 years apart--share the same birthday?

What fruit is used for washing rather than eating?

and my favorite question of the past week...

In days of yore, what was the job of a skinker?

Now, let us look at B Harris' high school graduation picture...


Hey, Brett Favre

I have an idea. Shut up and stay retired. No one gives a shit about your shoulder or meeting with the Vikes or anything.

Stick to filming Wrangler commercials - Chazz insists that your presence in their marketing campaign is allowing them to become more acceptable amongst commoners. At least, that's what he and his new pair of shorts wants to believe.


I can't wait for the second season

Chalk Full of Good Ideas

CRIME: NT teens charged after Falls traffic stop
By Rick Pfeiffer

The Tonawanda News

Three North Tonawanda teens were arrested last week in the Falls after propositioning two police officers for drugs.

Falls Police Roving Anti-Crime Unit officers Nick Granto and Joe Palermo were on patrol just before midnight last Friday, and waiting for a red light at Pierce Avenue and Hyde Park Boulevard. Granto and Palermo were in plainclothes and driving an unmarked patrol car.

According to their report, the car, driven by Brandon Belviso, pulled up next to the officers' car.

"At this time," according to the report, "the suspect vehicle approached on our driver side and shouted at Officer Palermo. Palermo rolled the window down and asked if he could be of assistance."

"The passenger in the suspect vehicle, later identified as Alex Skupien, was laughing and shouted, 'You guys got any weed?'" Granto and Palermo wrote.

According to police, Belviso, noticed the word "police" in big white letters on the vests Granto and Palermo were wearing.

"(Expletive!) They are (expletive) cops," Belviso yelled out.

Belviso then attempted to make a fast getaway by what Granto and Palermo called "peeling out, making a left hand turn onto Hyde Park Boulevard, without using a turn sign."

The car was immediately pulled over for the traffic violation by the officers.

Belviso was found to be driving at midnight with a learner's permit. A check of the interior of his car showed four open cans of beer. According to Granto and Palermo's report, Belviso was not happy with Skupien.

"During (our) interview, the driver was irate at the passenger and kept yelling at him for asking the police if we had any weed," the officers wrote.

As police interviewed Belviso and Skupien, a passenger still in the rear seat of the car, Steven Carney, 17, opened another beer.

When Palermo asked Carney what he was doing, he told him, "If I'm going to jail, I might as well be (expletive) juiced."

Palermo told Carney to put the beer down, but, in the officers words, "he kept chugging it." When Palermo attempted to take the beer from Carney, the teen responded by throwing the beer at the officer.

Carney then got out of the car and attempted to fight the officers, flexing his muscles and shouting "What the (expletive)."

Palermo responded by drawing his Taser and training the red laser beam on Carney's chest. At that point Carney stopped threatening the officer.

All three teens were charged with restricted use of alcohol. Carney was also charged with disorderly conduct; Belviso was additionally charged with two traffic law violations.


Good Column

When I lived in an area that readily delivered the Washington Post, one of my favorite things to read on a weekly basis was Gene Weingarten's column in the Post Magazine. He is pretty good. Here is an older article...

Gene's True Calling
. . . is, alas, calling

By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, July 20, 2008; W32

MORE TODAY from my continued, Pulitzer Prize-winning coverage of the plight of the beleaguered customer service representative.


Me: I have a complaint about these products. They're not soft.

Robert: I'm sorry?

Me: Your package says they're soft, but they're not. They smash just like any other bulbs. I've smashed 12 of them already.

Robert: Sir, "soft" white does not refer to whether the bulb will smash. It is not shatterproof. It is coated to reduce glare.

Me: Oh.

Robert: Why are the bulbs breaking?

Me: I'm a juggler.

Robert: You're a juggler?

Me: On a unicycle.

Robert: Well, even our bulbs with a shatter-resistant coating are gonna crack on you, man.


Me: Listen, I am looking at the box, and it shows a woman swabbing under her eye. On the back, a child is being swabbed next to her nose and on her eyebrow. There is a picture of a Q-tip being used to clean a laptop keyboard and a bathroom tile.

June: Yes?

Me: I think you know what I am getting at, young lady.

June: No, I'm sorry, I don't.

Me: I think you know very well.



June: Well, if you look on the package, it states not to put it in your ear canal.

Me: Aha!


Me: And if everyone stopped using it for that, your company would go bankrupt! I know some overcautious sissy old doctors say it isn't good, but so what? That hasn't stopped the cigarette companies. They don't say, "Buy Marlboros! They're great for cleaning your gutters!" Now, do they?

June: Right.

Me: I think you should own up to it. Have a new campaign: "Q-tips. Plunge proudly into a wax-free tomorrow!" Or, "Here's a tip from Q-tips: Stick it up your ear!"

June: I can input your call.


Me: I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your product. It's got a rich taste and is great exercise for my jaw.

Joanna: You are eating the product yourself?

Me: What do you mean?

Joanna: These are dog treats.

Me: What?

Joanna: I'm glad you like them, though!

Me: I do. What are they made of?

Joanna: Uh, can you hold the line a second?

Me: Sure.

Lisa: This is Lisa. Can I help you?

Me: I was saying how much I enjoy your Beefy Sticks. I asked what they are made of.

Lisa: Sir, they are made of dried steer penises.

Me: Auuggghhhhh! Auuggghhh!

Lisa: It's okay.

Me: Hold me, Lisa.


Me: I have a complaint about your product. I keep cutting my face up.

Jim: How can you cut your face with aluminum foil?

Me: I am not a fancy man, Jim. I brush my teeth with a bar of soap. I use twine to hold my pants up. And when I shave, I don't use a mirror. I got me a sheet of Reynolds Wrap on the wall over my sink. But I can't really see what I'm doing, so I nick myself. Can't you make it shinier?

Jim: It's not made to be a mirror, sir.

Me: Don't see why not.

Jim: I just don't see why you're using it that way.

Me: It also makes a lousy damn potholder.



You wouldn't get away with this in the Premiership, but I like nonetheless.

Spring Collection, Part 5

Spring has sprung and we are in the midst of some beautiful weather when it is not raining. We have told you about some wonderful ideas for the hotter temperatures, and I would imagine that very few of you have taken our advice. Shorts and T-Shirts will suffice when it is steaming during the day, but you may be lost when it comes to those cooler nights, adrift in a sea of flannel shirts, sweaters and other such abominable clothing. Well, drift no more good sirs, for I am here to tell you about an inexpensive and tried-and-true method to keep yourself warm. It is the off-shoulder sweatshirt, otherwise known as the flashdance sweatshirt.

It is truly easy to make and should cost you nothing out of pocket. All you need is some scissors and a crew-neck sweatshirt. Easy-peasy Japanesey. Cut away and you'll have yourself some great, new, original evening wear. It will provide warmth on those brisky nights, yet will still allow for no-fuss shedding when coitus appears imminent. Don't take my word for it, hear what B Harris has to say. Absolutely raving, he squeals "I don't go anywhere without my off-shoulder sweatshirt. It is great for working out and going out. The girls just seem to point and stare at all my stylish good looks." He added later after a bout of tears, "If I could stem this recent tide of premature ejaculation, I could potentially have sex with one of those girls." He has found himself making more and more of these sweatshirts because as he puts it, "they are really the only thing I can fit over my head without stretching out the collar."

The conversation went from upbeat to downtrodden in a matter of minutes as B Harris reflected on his life, but I think you can tell he is a big fan of this idea. You should try it out.



This is awesome and I don't even know what the title means.

One of my biggest fears

I always thought it was unfounded...apparently not.

Sitting target: Snake attacks from toilet bowl
Mon May 11, 2009 7:56am EDT

TAIPEI (Reuters Life!) - A Taiwanese man became a sitting target for a snake, which bit his penis as he sat on the toilet at his rural home, local media reported on Monday.

"As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up," the China Times said. "When he looked down, he saw the big snake."

The 51-year-old man, from Nantou County, was under medical care with minor injuries, a director at Puli Christian Hospital said.

"As soon as he has passed the risk of infection, he can go," the director, who declined to be named, said. "A snake's mouth isn't always clean."

Local television images showed the black and yellow reptile, reportedly a species of rat snake, being uncoiled and plucked slowly from the toilet bowl.

Snakes regularly enter rural homes in Taiwan and other sub-tropical regions of Asia.



More outrageous fake-cyber conversations. I love this so much.


Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate: F**k


Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Top 5

Retard movies according to me. I hope this doesn't offend anyone with a MR sister or brother or girlfriend (Ken McBenzie). I don't feel great acknowledging this, but the mentally challenged can be amusing. That being said, they can also be inspiring, terrifying, heart-wrenching and even enviable (see forrest gump). They make good characters in movies.
I will rate the movies on the following bases.

On a scale of 1 to 5
How much I like the film...

1 - I would rather watch the Prince and Me
2 -
3 - Good film
4 -
5 - I'd own the DVD


Severity of Retardedness

1 - Pretty sane, appear to be normal and functioning before conversation
2 -
3 - Would probably hesitate to ride in a car with said retard
4 -
5 - Stare-inducing, crazy as a shit-house rat retarded

5. What's Eating Gilbert Grape - Talk about a great performance from little Leo. I can't imagine how hard a role like that would be and he did it so well at such a young age. This is a really good film, and if you haven't watched it lately, you should probably check it out one more time. It is somewhat of a foreshadowing of what a great actor Leonardo would eventually become (see blood diamond, the departed, titanic).

Movie Ratings

Quality of film
3 - I don't own the DVD but I always enjoy the film when I watch it.

Degree of Retardedness
4 - He is pretty f*cking nuts. If you drugged him and then cleaned him up, he would look pretty normal though.

4. Sling Blade - Billy Bob Thornton is successful at being less creepy in this movie than he is in real life. And that is a hard thing to do if you are familiar with the character Karl Childers. I didn't see this movie for probably 8 years after it came out and I am not sure why I waited so long. You have to be pretty damn challenged to put mustard on french fries and to actually want to eat vienna sausages on a regular basis.

Movie Ratings

Quality of film
3 - Billy Bob does a great job, but I couldn't watch this everyday. I don't think I'd buy the dvd.

Degree of Retardness
3.5 - I certainly wouldn't want to be in any enclosed space with the guy after I had pissed him off, he kills people with lawnmower blades. On the other hand, he does have a gentle side. I am having conflicting feelings on this one.

3. Rain Man - Great flick and one of the most popular and recognizable movies starring a challenged person. It is certainly not my favorite of the bunch, but it deserves to be on the list because Dustin Hoffman did such a wonderful job. I envy Raymond's math skills. I would not play him in a game of Challenge 24.

Movie Ratings

Quality of film
4 - Good film. It won Oscars and even though that doesn't automatically qualify a good movie in my book, I enjoy this one.

Degree of Retardedness
2 - Pretty mild until he has a freak out. Idiot-Savant.

2. Forrest Gump - It would be awesome to accomplish all the things that Mr. Gump did in his life, but I still don't think I would consent to be retarded if that is what it took to do so. I would happily agree to have B Harris suffer that fate if it meant I could beat a Chinaman in ping pong. But seriously, this is a great movie through and through. Tom Hanks did a great job and the movie is just wonderfully done, especially compared to the book (which sucks, I don't recommend it at all. It is by Winston Groom if you are feeling contrary).

Movie Ratings

Quality of film
5 - Great movie. All that needs to be said.

Degree of retardedness
1 - I might have even been taking a leap on this one, but I wanted to include it. He is a pretty stupid man when it comes to most things, and a pretty smart man when it comes to a select few. I would be friends with him, shit I probably have friends that are on his level (see Toph).

1. The Goonies - This movie holds a special place in my heart. It really has been one of my favorite films for a very long time and I can laugh at all the little parts that I think are great. My favorite part is when they are all hanging around the house after Troy's father has come by to buy out all the land. They are in the kitchen and Chunk goes into the fridge and gets out a can of Ready Whip. he says "I'm so depressed" and then sprays it directly into his mouth. You can't beat that. I digress, Sloth used to terrify the shit out of me when I was a child, but you learn to love the guy.

Movie ratings

Quality of film
5 - Biased as hell I am sure, but that is the rating I want to give and that is what it gets. I could post so many great quotes from that movie. note to self.

Degree of retardedness
5 - I mean come on. Sloth is the type of person that you lock up down in the basement. And for good reason too. It makes me wonder what Rudy would have been like if he was dropped on his head as a child.


"That's nawt a spidah, THIS is a spidah"

Eff me in the b. Huge spiders on the prowl in the Australian Outback.

Australia is known around the world for its large and deadly creepy crawlies, but even locals have been shocked by the size of the giant venomous spiders that have invaded an Outback town in Queensland.

Scores of eastern tarantulas, which are known as “bird-eating spiders” and can grow larger than the palm of a man’s hand, have begun crawling out from gardens and venturing into public spaces in Bowen, a coastal town about 700 miles northwest of Brisbane.

Earlier this week locals spotted an Australian tarantula wandering towards a public garden in the centre of town where people often sit for lunch. They called in a pest controller, but not before using a can of insect spray to paralyse the spider.

Audy Geiszler, who runs Amalgamated Pest Control in Bowen, said that the spider was a large male with powerful long fangs and was so big that when he placed it – dead – in the palm of his hand its legs hung over his fingers.

I hate them I hate them I hate them. Full story here.

Jacked from the always amusing High Definite.

I would punch her in the face if you wouldn't judge me.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- A Sacramento County teenager is bragging about a big accomplishment.

She logged more than 300,000 text messages in one month.

"My friends said, 'Text your little thumbs off'," Crystal Wiski said.

"Thank God for free texting," added her mother, Jacki Wiski.

Jacki Wiski said she just bought the iPhone for her daughter a month ago.

"I get cramps," Crystal Wiski said of her habit.

Needless to say, it didn't take long for her to get used to it.

Her mother is amazed by the number of texts.

"Oh my God, that's unbelievable," Jacki Wiski said. "She must text while she's sleeping."

"I am popular. I can't help it," Crystal Wiski added.

To put 303,000 text messages into perspective: that's more than 10,000 text messages a day, 421 messages an hour and seven texts a minute.

KCRA 3 even timed her.

"I don't talk on the phone that much," Crystal Wiski said.

Jacki Wiski said despite her daughter's addiction, it doesn't stop her from holding down a full-time job. It also has not affected her grades.

"She has a 40-hour-a-week job and straight As," Jacki Wiski said.

As for Crystal, she said she graduates in few weeks and hasn't decided what's next.

If you calculate the more than 300,000 text messages at 10 cents a text, she would owe more than $30,000. Unlimited texting has definitely helped in this case.

Jacki Wiski said her son has the second most texts at 3,000.


Unfortunately, this is not me

But a boy can dream.

I have a request...

Will somebody please buy this for B Harris. It could end up being a matter of life or death.


I personally don't think so but this possibly might be NSFW, B Harris had a little bit of a hissy fit when he opened it.

Trivia Questions

Updated...I got two of these three right.

What country failed to win any gold medals at the two Olympic Games it hosted?

What creature's heart is larger than that of any other warm-blooded animal in proportion to its size?

When it comes to movie heroes, who was Max Rockatansky?


I was afraid to go down a set of 8 stairs on my bike

This guy apparently is not burdened by that fear.

Every Guy Ritchie film

Well done by Collegehumor.

Note to Self: avoid beer poing with this individual

Because he will shoot you until you are no longer living.

Now I know what you're thinking - "This gentleman appears to be perfectly sane and reasonable. It must be a case of mistaken identity." To which I would point to the following:

For an argument over plastic cups, a pingpong ball and warm beer, one Montgomery County man lost his life and another may spend the rest of his in prison.

Joseph B. Jimenez, 24, was charged with first-degree murder for allegedly fatally shooting his opponent, Scott Riley, 25, following a game of beer pong at a Bridgeport home Friday night.

Investigators said that they don't know what rule infractions sparked the fight during the drinking game, but Bridgeport Police Chief Zenny Martyniuk said that the men knew each other before the match and had no prior issues.

Jimenez and Riley, both of Bridgeport, were playing beer pong at a small gathering at a mutual friend's house on Second Street near Mill when witnesses saw them arguing over the game, police said. Several witnesses even told investigators that they believed that the men were play-wrestling or horsing around.

Jimenez allegedly told police that after the game, he left the house through the front door and Riley left with another man through the back door.

Once outside, according to one witness, Jimenez and Riley ran into each other in a pedestrian-only alleyway and began talking trash.

According to court documents, Jimenez claimed that Riley had said, "Shoot me! Shoot me! You guys ain't got the b----!"

Jimenez pulled a .40-caliber Taurus handgun from his waistband and shot Riley once in the neck, police said.

Yikes. As someone who talks more shit than is safe or reasonable during pong, this is a bit troubling. Read all about this jackass here. I bet he insisted upon multiple racks and had is hand well over the line during each throw.

Funny book

This has been touched upon other places on the web, but it makes me laugh, so I wanted to post about it. The surprising thing is that it was written by a woman.


(Insert Doggy Style Pun)

Aside from the ridicule-induced tears I usually receive after using the urinal, it's not often that I find myself with salty drops streaming down my face whilst at work. This video, however, caused just that to occur.

The simple pleasures in life... Enjoy.

I'd say that is reasonable.

China's ultimatum: smoke or be fined

From correspondents in Beijing

May 04, 2009 03:51pm

OFFICIALS in a county in central China have been told to smoke nearly a quarter million packs of locally made cigarettes annually or risk being fined, state media reports.

The Gong'an county government in Hubei province has ordered its staff to puff their way through 230,000 packs of Hubei-produced cigarette brands a year, the Global Times said.

Departments that fail to meet their targets will be fined, according to the report.

"The regulation will boost the local economy via the cigarette tax," said Chen Nianzu, a member of the Gong'an cigarette market supervision team, according to the paper.

The measure could also be a ploy to aid local cigarette brands such as Huanghelou, which are under severe pressure from competitors in neighbouring Hunan province, according to the paper.

China has 350 million smokers, of whom a million die of smoking-related diseases every year.

More than half of all male doctors in China smoke, but the Government is now trying harder to get them to kick the habit in order to set an example for others, state media reported recently.

courtesy of dbb

Most excellent

Playing for Change

I might be really late to the game on this one, but I saw this video over the weekend, and I thought it was quite good. This guy just tracked down these street musicians from all over the world, had them play this song (and others) and put it all together. Old Man with the beard is certainly my favorite.


More swine flu tips

I would advise against doing the following:

To say nothing of below:

Courtesy of TLyttle, who is never short on animal picture forwards.

Swine flu in relation to B Harris

This post will serve as a public service announcement of sorts. Listed below are some of the common symptoms of the Swine Flu. Coincidentally, they are very similar to the symptoms found before, during and after a night cap with one B Harris. Let's look at some of the similarities.

According to the CDC, symptoms of swine flu infections can include:

* fever, which is usually high
(while I can not vouch for fever, I would imagine the victim of said night cap certainly must have been high. Crack or Meth I would suppose are the likely culprits.)

* cough
(While you probably won't have an incessant nagging cough, I am sure a cough, scoff or giggle would escape right after B Harris takes of his Capri pants or cargo shorts.)

* runny nose or stuffy nose
(I would be wary of contracting a runny or stuffy nose after copulation because a runny nose will be present post-coitus, most likely accompanied by tears and whimpering.)

* sore throat
(A result stemming from the fact that you will have to console him for hours. Your voice will be hoarse.)

* body aches
(an aching or yearning for a real lover; or possibly the dull pang of regret)

* headache
(Positively Alcohol-related. Severity of headache will be consistent with the amount you had to drink to get you into the situation in the first place.)

* chills
(These will occur when you wake up in the morning to find B Harris sleeping in his custom-made Dark Knight jammies.)

* fatigue or tiredness, which can be extreme
(This will occur because he tends to like to stay up and be inside spoon for hours on end after intercourse.)

* diarrhea and vomiting (sometimes)
(Not always present with cases of the swine flu. Conversely, always present with cases of post-B Harris relations.)

So, as you can see, there is an uncanny resemblance between the two. If you are having symptoms such as the ones listed above, I would try to remember if you made any particularly poor choices over the past week or so. If not, you are in luck, because you probably just have the swine flu.