3.31.2009

Move Over, The Rock...

...there's a new Scorpion King in town. He goes by Majed Elmalk, and he happens to hold the world record for putting scorpions in his mouth.




















I'd imagine the guy whose record he broke was rather upset. He's no longer a world record holder - just some d-bag who let a bunch of these awful things in and around his mouth.

Spring Collection, Part 3

When I think of Reebok Pumps, three things come to mind; Fifth Grade, Awesome and About to get laid because of my shoes. For these reasons and because you can pump up your shoes for snugness and then deflate for comfortableness, I recommend that each and every one of you purchase a pair of sweet Reebok Pumps this spring. You will most likely be able to dunk (mind the shoes) immediately after lacing up and girls will automatically fall prostrate when they see you strutting in your badass new kicks.

You can find them at any Famous Footwear circa 1992 or online.














Also available (for those of you really feeling the recession) are the cheaper, yet no less colorful, LA Gear Pumps.














My mother, not understanding how important these things were in elementary school, did not get me the Reebok Pumps. I was stuck with the LA gear. I am still bitter.

Max Making Mischief

Most of you have probably already seen the trailer for Spike Jonze's upcoming film, Where the Wild Things Are, based on the Cheeze-reading-level-approved book of the same name.

If you've already seen it, watch it again. It really is a phenomenal trailer - complete with a re-recorded version of Arcade Fire's "Wake Up".


3.30.2009

He's Not Awful

In many ways, we're similar - particularly the golf swing. And the upper-body strength.


Science is Awesome.

March 29, 2009
Stem cells to grow bigger breasts

Sarah-Kate Templeton, Health Editor

A STEM cell therapy offering “natural” breast enlargement is to be made available to British women for the first time.

The treatment could boost cup size while reducing stomach fat. It involves extracting stem cells from spare fat on the stomach or thighs and growing them in a woman’s breasts. An increase of one cup size is likely, with the potential for larger gains as the technique improves.

A trial has already started in Britain to use stem cells to repair the breasts of women who have had cancerous lumps removed. A separate project is understood to be the first in Britain to use the new technique on healthy women seeking breast enlargement.

Professor Kefah Mokbel, a consultant breast surgeon at the London Breast Institute at the Princess Grace hospital, who is in charge of the project, will treat 10 patients from May. He predicts private patients will be able to pay for the procedure within six months at a cost of about £6,500.

“This is a very exciting advance in breast surgery,” said Mokbel. “They [breasts treated with stem cells] feel more natural because this tissue has the same softness as the rest of the breast.” He said the treatment offered the potential of considerable improvement on implants: “Implants are a foreign body. They are associated with long-term complications and require replacement. They can also leak and cause scarring.”

Although the stem cell technique will restore volume, it will not provide firmness and uplift.

Mokbel believes the stem cell treatment may be suitable only for modest increases in breast size, but will conduct research to find out whether larger augmentations can be achieved: “We are optimistic we can easily achieve an increase of one cup size. We cannot say yet if we can achieve more. That may depend on the stem cells we can harvest.”



Courtesy of DBB

3.27.2009

I'll have another please. Yes, keep them coming.

Life is hard, we know this. Granted, it is harder for some than it is for others but, there are certain things that will always be challenging for the vast majority of the world's population. Quantum Physics is most likely difficult to understand. Very few people would ever be able to hit a baseball pitched by a Major League pitcher. No one I know of could write to the level of Shakespeare. And I don't think anybody can understand the pikey language. It would impress most people if you could do just one of these things. All of that sh*t is tough. But come on people, we all know that the hardest thing to do is put up with a woman.

Even in regular ol' daily life dealing with women is taxing, but when you get to the bar or similar drinking establishment, the pleasure of their company becomes at least ten-fold more unbearable. You have to pretend to think the conversation is stimulating. You have to not watch the game. You have to laugh at rotten jokes. You have to not look at their or other chestal areas. You can't play pool with your buddies. So, to deal with all this flotsam and jetsam, we are forced to drink. Copious amounts. "I certainly don't need a shot, but then again bring me a double of the strongest thing you've got." We swallow pints in order to stomach the rest. Alas, as is often the case when you drink more than the Irish at a wake, drunkenness ensues. This is not a problem in and of itself, but if nature has any say in the matter, it can lead to something very dreaded. Are you familiar with the term "whiskey dick?" Yes, I am talking about that.

So, as the astute reader might assume, it follows logically that men are not at fault for this hapless occurrence. It is women I say. They drove us to drink in the first place. So please, don't harbor those feelings of inadequacy any longer. Put that blame in its proper place; Blame a woman. Say things like "Good gracious, if you didn't talk so much at the bar this wouldn't be happening." Or, "I would imagine it is afraid you might chastise it for accidentally looking at that great rack earlier." I think "It became comatose during your terrible stories" would also work. Either way, don't worry about a thing. Perhaps you should have her make you a sandwich and/or sleep at the foot of the bed.

3.26.2009

Go here and Vote

We here at AU have a special place in our hearts for the beloved Chadwicks in Georgetown.

I would imagine by association, you probably do too in some way or form. If so, go here and vote for Chadwicks.

http://www.washingtonian.com/blogarticles/restaurants/bestbites/11924.html

Thanks.

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S RIDDLE

ARE YOU IN THE TOP 2% OF INTELLIGENT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD? SOLVE THE RIDDLE AND FIND OUT.

There are no tricks, just pure logic, so good luck and don't give up.

1. In a street there are five houses, painted five different colours.
2. In each house lives a person of different nationality
3. These five homeowners each drink a different kind of beverage, smoke different brand of cigar and keep a different pet.

THE QUESTION: WHO OWNS THE FISH?

HINTS

1. The Brit lives in a red house.
2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Dane drinks tea.
4. The Green house is next to, and on the left of the White house.
5. The owner of the Green house drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7. The owner of the Yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The man living in the centre house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
12. The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The man who smokes Blends has a neighbour who drinks water.

ALBERT EINSTEIN WROTE THIS RIDDLE EARLY DURING THE 19th CENTURY. HE SAID THAT 98% OF THE WORLD POPULATION WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SOLVE IT.


You can find the answer here

Thanks to Bill for showing this to me.

Video Day.

Mainly because I am feeling decidedly not clever at the moment. And I just love AD.

Exclusive footage of Cheeze and B Harris

3.25.2009

Do you remember, The Orange County Register said I was a functioning retard.

And they say the same thing about people who like the following video...(no need to watch)

Hey, it's that guy that no one likes!

If you're anything like Cheeze (that is to say fond of dragons, large women, and JNCOs; and averse to the basic tenets of general hygiene, hitting a golf ball further than 85 yards, and wearing sandals without socks) then you probably have a hard time meeting the right person.

Whether you are too shy or just haven't brushed your teeth in a week, striking up a conversation or simply getting noticed, for that matter, is a problem in and of itself. Afraid she'll be turned off by what appears to be a mini Tootsie Roll behind your fly? Relax, Cheeze - your days of horrendous water-cooler faux pas are surely over. Just think how she'll react when she sees you walking into your place of employment surrounded by hordes of fake paparazzi!

For a price as low as $729.99, your average Z-lister — yes, that means you and me — can experience what it’s like to be the subject of a media melee. Companies such as Celeb 4 a Day can turn the average Joe into Joe Jonas, as a pack of people with cameras follow the paying customer for at least 30 minutes, leaving surrounding onlookers wondering: Who is that star?

That’s what a few people were wondering in a trendy neighborhood in downtown Manhattan recently as I got the Celeb 4 a Day treatment. You might ask — why would anyone pay to be hounded by cameras?

Read all about it here.

What kind of terrible society is this that the above companies exist, and Cheeze hasn't made it past 2nd base in 8 years? (of course, that's the literal 2nd base in his PC baseball simulator - the pitching is so real! As for the touching of boobs in life? Scoff).

Link courtesy of TLyttle, Cheeze's looks courtesy of mating gone wrong

Good Question

Does B Harris prefer the company of little boys to women? I have asked this question 8 times and I have answered myself with a resounding "Yes" 7 times. That is 7 out of 8, a likely percentage. So, you can take it as an absolute truth.

On a completely unrelated note, I was thinking about how people lose touch. We stop emailing and calling on the phone. No more get-togethers or evenings on the town. Because of this, I figured I would jot down the places that you would most likely find B Harris in ten years. Just in case you wanted to catch up.

1. Chuck E. Cheese.

I would assume a good place to start looking for him would be in the corner stall of the mens room. He may also be hiding underneath all of those colorful plastic balls.

2. Cruising Residential Neighborhoods.

Most likely this will be in a tinted-out white van of sorts. You may find all sorts of goodies and sody pops stashed away in the back. If he is doing well for himself, it might even be an ice cream truck.

3. At a child's Birthday party.

"Oh how nice", you may think to yourself, "he is accompanying his child to a party." "What a great dad!" False. He is there alright, but dressed up in the clown outfit performing tricks and blowing up balloon animals. Creep.

4. The playground.

He will be sporting a baseball cap pulled down low, and some nice aviator sunglasses. There may or may not be a lollipop sticking out of his coat pocket. He will probably frequent school zones as well.

5. "To Catch a Predator"

That's right.

I love this story (mainly the picture)


A teenager decided to give his parents a nice surprise by painting a 60ft-long penis on the new roof of their £1million house.

Inspired by watching a documentary on Google Earth, 18-year-old Rory McInnes decided to give aerial observers an eyeful, with the aid of a tin of white paint.

The new flat roof of Andy and Clare McInnes' house in Hungerford, Berkshire, had recently been completed by builders. Painting the enormous member took Rory only half an hour.

There it lurked for around twelve months, until a passing helicopter pilot spotted it, and let his passengers take photos. Fortunately for Rory, he was safely on the other side of the world when his parents found out, on a gap-year in Brazil.

Rory's mother, Clare, told The Sun: 'We don't want any more children, so the idea of sleeping under a giant fertility symbol is rather worrying.'

Rory is expected to have a cleaning job on his hands when he gets back home. Sadly for him, it appears that his original plan to have the massive organ recorded by Google has failed - Google Maps currently shows the house in its pristine, un-penised state.


courtesy of dbb

3.24.2009

Further Proof

That women can't drive...
____________________________



Driver involved in three crashes on I-95 Monday night

BY DAVID SMILEY
dsmiley@MiamiHerald.com

A West Palm Beach woman could face charges after she was involved in three crashes on Interstate 95 Monday night, the third of which sent a woman to the hospital in serious condition, the Florida Highway Patrol said.

Michele M. Fevola, 23, was driving south about 8:15 p.m. in a 2002 Chevrolet pickup truck when she rear-ended a 2008 Lexus near Southwest 10th Street in Deerfield Beach, according to FHP spokesman Sgt. Mark Wysocky.

Instead of stopping, Fevola continued driving and then slammed into a 1994 Toyota near Atlantic Boulevard, Wysocky said.

Again, Fevola drove away and then rear-ended Marisol Montellano's 2004 Isuzu SUV near Sunrise Boulevard.

Montellano's SUV rolled over and Fevola lost control of her vehicle in the crash, Wysocky said. Fevola's truck veered left and was struck by a 2009 Toyota.

Wysocky said Montellano, a 21-year-old Davie woman, was taken to Broward General Medical Center in serious condition.

Fevola was taken to the same hospital, but her condition was unknown Tuesday morning.

The drivers of the other three cars involved in the collisions with Fevola were uninjured, Wysocky said.

Wysocky said the investigation into the crashes was still in its early stages and investigators were looking into whether alcohol was involved.




Courtesy of DBB

3.23.2009

Stevie

A virtuoso (from Italian virtuoso, late Latin virtuosus, Latin virtus meaning: skill, manliness, excellence) is an individual who possesses outstanding technical ability at singing or playing a musical instrument.

Requisite joke - "Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new (singular noun)? Neither has he." (AND THE FOUL!)

All blind jokes aside, this man is arguably one of the most talented musicians this world has ever seen. And coincidentally, these are my two favorite songs of his.


Results and a Hot Woman

So you lot have once again shown your true colors: a bunch of borderline racists who prefer golf and a hot Swedish wife to basketball and the adoration of a terrible city in Ohio.

In other news today, Bruce Willis got married to an absolute smokeshow. Apparently her name is Emma Heming, which sounds very made-up. Good for you, McClane.


Can you say "Cajones?"



A kayaker has set a new world record by plunging an astonishing 127ft off a waterfall.

Pedro Olivia hit 70mph and was free-falling for 2.95 seconds after paddling off the Salto Belo falls in central Brazil.

The 26-year-old, who has spent the last four years searching his country for the perfect location, shattered the previous 108ft record.

‘It’s a story that I will be telling for the rest of my life,’ he said.

‘In all I have spent the better part of 13 years developing my kayaking skills, searching the Brazilian rivers for the most spectacular rapids and falls.’

Joined by some of the world’s most able class V (extreme kayakers) on the Brazil World Record Attempt Expedition, Pedro achieved his amazing feat on March 4.

The Salto Belo on the Rio Sacre in Campos Novos, Mato Grosso, is a massive river running with 5,000 cubic feet per second of tepid, crystal clear rainwater.


Read the whole story here.

Courtesy of DBB

Good idea

Sometimes on long drives, I come up with random thoughts in my head to post on this site. This is one of those ideas. I don't have any clue how it came into my head, and I can truly say that I wasn't having any overtly perverse thoughts, at least that I can remember.

When B Harris and I grow up and have the financial means and opportunity to do so, we are going to endeavor to make the greatest porn ever.

It will be a necrophilia-themed pirate porno. The title you may ask... Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Woman's Chest.

Lead Stud: Long Dong Silver (Slays the whores with his schlong)

Lead Ladies: A bunch of dead whores in port

I imagine eye patches and rum and parrots. Great backdrops and backshots.

If you have any interest in auditioning, please send videos or head (i.e. boob) shots to the following...

Bharris@premature_ejaculation.com

3.20.2009

Manvite

Just go here.

Then Manvite someone here.

Thanks to Paul over at The High Definite for bringing this to our attention. If you aren't visiting his site everyday for the Coffee Break and other posts, then you have at some point in your life taken the short bus to school.

What happens to a dream deferred?

For some odd reason, women are born with a knack for ruining things. They ruin music with their songs. They ruin traffic patterns with their driving. They ruin shoes with their laces. They ruin quality movie/television time with their incessant yammering. They ruin fun. This is all well and good and can be tolerated, because as B Harris' intimate lady friends would say, "we do have to put up with all that poking and prodding."

But really girls, I can't tolerate this one particular thing anymore. The use of raisins in perfectly edible foodstuffs is no longer acceptable. Do you know how much better cinnamon and raisin bread would be without the latter? How about a nice bran muffin without some god-awful mushy mass messing it up? Oatmeal cookies. Delicious. That is until I get to the stupid raisins. If I didn't loathe hippies and raisins, I would love trail mix, but apparently, all of you (dunces) are in confederacy against me. I am not the only one feeling these effects though. I feel bad for babies too. All their mothers are feeding them raisins by the handful and they don't have the power nor the wherewithal to refuse. They just have to choke them down. Enough, I say.

Sirs,
We don't have to put up with this anymore. The next time someone (i.e. woman/sodomite) has the audacity to present you something with raisins as an ingredient, do not eat it. First blame them. Then, if you are a timid and weak individual, merely throwing it directly in the trash will suffice. But, if you have some semblance of a sack, throw it directly at her, making throw up faces and the like. They'll get the point, and will, I'd assume, automatically start the process of cooking/baking something a little more appetizing for you. I'd like to say that they'd do this without another word, but we all know that is virtually impossible.

3.19.2009

Screw Your Boss

All the games. Sick quality. Here.

Most Magical Time of the Year

The best 4 sports days of the year get underway in less than an hour. My childhood is riddled with tourney favorites, but the below is right up there. I remember getting home from school in 8th grade and watching the end of this game by myself. And screaming. Geeking out. You name it.

Bryce Drew, Valpo, Ole Miss, coach's son, 13 seed over a 4 seed. Magic.



They practiced this play - called it "Pacer." It sure worked out.

Today, starting at 12:20, I implore you to say, screw the man and follow all the action.

Classy Broad


Porn Sting Goes To The Dogs
Attempt to ensnare boyfriend comes back to bite Indiana woman

MARCH 18--Meet Michelle Owen. Concerned that an ex-boyfriend had used her laptop to search for child pornography, the Indiana woman asked police to search the computer for illegal images, but had her plan backfire when cops discovered two videos of her engaged in illicit acts with a dog. Owen, 24, was charged last week with two felony bestiality counts in connection with the video files, which a detective found in the laptop's "recycle bin." At the time Owen asked cops to search the computer, she was locked up in the Johnson County Jail on a public intoxication charge (which violated the terms of her release in a prior drunk driving case). According to a police affidavit, a copy of which you'll find here, a cop told Owen that he had found videos of her on the laptop and asked if she "knew what those files might be." Owen, pictured in the below mug shot, replied, "The one with the dog." Cops believe that the dog in question, Toby, is a beagle. After asking if she was "going to be charged with this," Owen said that the videos "were just something she did when she was drunk and barely remembers it," adding that she tried to "delete them the next day when she was sober."


See the whole thing here

Courtesy of DBB

3.18.2009

Hate is strong word...but an apt one.

Just in time for the dance tomorrow, here is the Big Lead's Top Five Hated Players in the tourney. I would have to put Hansbrough as the number 1 seed - few things in this life are worse than he.

----------------------

1. Eric Devendorf, Syracuse. Allegedly hit a female student in face late last year, and was nearly suspended for the entire season by the University. The neck tattoos don’t help, nor does the endless preening after three-pointers. Great shooter, but his antics at the Big East tournament vaulted him to the top spot. The word “punk” definitely applies.


2. Tyler Hansbrough, UNC. Hated because the media fawns over him (Jay Bilas going down on him at the end of the Louisville Elite 8 game last year may have been the tipping point), and because he seems to get all of the calls from the refs. Guilt-by-success seems to apply here.

3. Greg Paulus, Duke. Probably had this honor the last few years. He’s in the same mold as Chris Collins and Steve Wojo. Spunky, undersized, and a streaky shooter. Except he’s not nearly as good. It didn’t help that Dick Vitale was hyping this kid since his high school days (sort of like how Beano Cook hyped Ron Powlus at Notre Dame), and then he showed up on campus and basically underachieved in the first three years (3-3 in the NCAA tournament), and then lost his starting job this year. There’s no way this guy was the 11th best high school recruit in 2005.

4. Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. Talked some junk in the offseason about Harangody and Hansbrough, which didn’t endear him to many, especially since he really hadn’t accomplished anything. Then, the 7-foot-3 center backed up his play with a strong season - he was the co-Player of the Year in the Big East - but notoriously flopped head-to-head against the much shorter DeJuan Blair of Pitt. Most folks chuckle at the idea of Thabeet being considered a top three pick in the 2009 draft; people relish calling him a bust and overrated.

5. Jon Scheyer, Duke. There’s a website dedicated exclusively to the many faces he makes. If you ask Maryland fans whom they hate most, Scheyer may be No. 1 … perhaps on the level of JJ Redick.

AD > Everything

Our love for Arrested Development here at AU knows no bounds. If, for whatever reason, you never watched the show, that's okay - the DVDs are the best investment you'll ever make. On the other hand, if you've watched AD and don't care for it, please fling yourself off the roof of the nearest 10+ floor structure.

It is the single greatest television show of all time. Enjoy a clip, why don't you?


Identity Theft Is Not A Joke, Jim

It has gotten to the point where I can't even pop in my Dawson's Creek DVDs when B Harris is around because I can't stomach the squealing or the lipstick marks on my TV screen.

I am waiting impatiently for the day when they come out with Mighty Ducks: The Musical, so B Harris can fulfill his lifelong dreams of becoming Joshua Jackson and being on Broadway.

(If we could just get him a fake ID, I think it would work.)















As president of the fan club, B Harris wanted me to remind you to join here please.

3.17.2009

Textbook

This is just like Cheeze's swing - only a touch more fluid.

Tunage

Cool live recording of Radiohead performing "Reckoner" - a single off their 2007 album In Rainbows.

Disregard the first 25 or so seconds of utter creepiness. No one ever said they were sane.



And on the seventh day...

We all know that God created the world in seven days...but before he was finished he squatted off of England and shat out Ireland.
______________________________________________


B Harris and I are fond of certain things from Ireland. Here is a list.

Cheeze's favorite Irish things...



1. Pubs
2. Guinness
3. Harp
4. John Cusack
5. Irish Jigs










B Harris' favorite Irish things...

1. U2
2. Sinead O'Connor
3. Riverdance
4. Red-headed children
5. Boyzone

A Proud Father

Congratulations, reader. For the first time in our storied history, the poll results concur with my voting. I know for a fact that Cheeze voted the other way, namely because he is constantly sending me links to the hottest new beach-themed apparel that Hollister has to offer, presumably seeking my approval. Not only that, but his life partner, Reginald, is horribly averse to lacrimation.

Give me tears. I'll gladly shed them in lieu of entering this ridiculous place.


3.16.2009

Spring Collection, Part 2

On more than one occasion B Harris and other women have told me that despite the terrible body odor, European men are not only the best dressers around, they are also the best lays. Intrigued by this baffling news, I took note for future reference. Now that spring is approaching, I thought it generous to share this information with you, so you can get a head start on the rest of your friends. From very limited, yet highly scientific observation, I've come to the conclusion that the best way to give off a European Aura and consequently get laid by at least seven women (and if you're into it, more than a few poofs) is to wear Capri Pants. I think it is a given that no straight man would elect to wear such a garment without cause, but we all make sacrifices to bag those classy broads. I am currently searching for a pair of denim ones, with cargo pockets.


I don't know about you, but I am sure B Harris has bent/would bend over backwards for any one of the studs pictured below...












(The ankle bracelet just screams "Stud")






Side note - I will give $100 US to the person who hems B Harris' favorite pair of pants to the prescribed Capris length.

Best Golf Shot/Worst High-Five Ever




"Oh my goodness! OH WOW!!!! IN YOUR LIFE HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT!?" - CBS's Verne Lundquist's famous call of Tiger Woods chip on hole 16.

I remember watching this. I was in my Fox Hills Townhouse, sitting in my grandmother's ratty old red chair. All of my roommates were outside grilling and drinking beers; basically giving me a hard time for watching golf instead of barbecuing. I am so glad that I stayed inside. I would have hated myself for missing it. Still gives me goosebumps.

Out of Control

So Fox Soccer Channel has this show called Fan Zone, where they show a replay of a recently played match, but rather than listening to the commentators, you get an unbelievably biased, maniacal supporter of each team providing the play-by-play. Needless to say, their heavy accents and general outrageousness make for fantastic television.

This past weekend was especially grand as your author's squad sealed an incredible away victory at the home of Manchester United, to the tune of 4-1. Because I hate United and this makes me smile, below is the reaction of the respective fans during the critical moments. High comedy.


3.13.2009

Sorry B Harris

Florida lawmakers are pushing legislation that would make having sex with animals a felony.

TALLAHASSEE -- The act of bestiality is a step closer to becoming illegal in Florida now that a Senate agriculture committee voted to slap a third-degree felony charge on anyone who has sex with animals.

Florida is one of only 16 states that still permit bestiality -- a fact that animal-rights activist and Sen. Nan Rich learned to her horror three years ago when a Panhandle man was suspected of accidentally asphyxiating a family goat that he held by the collar during a sex act.

''There's a tremendous correlation between sexually deviant behavior and crimes against children and crimes against animals,'' said Rich, a Sunrise Democrat. ``This is long overdue. These are heinous crimes. And people belong in jail.''

But the Mossy Head man suspected of assaulting Meg the goat was never charged, because law enforcement officials could not link him to the scene. The suspect was arrested months later in a separate goat abduction, said Walton County Assistant State Attorney Walter Parker.

Rich's legislation would target only those who derived or helped others derive ''sexual gratification'' from an animal, specifying that conventional dog-judging contests and animal-husbandry practices are permissible.

That last provision tripped up Miami Democratic Sen. Larcenia Bullard.

''People are taking these animals as their husbands? What's husbandry?'' she asked. Some senators stifled their laughter as Sen. Charlie Dean, an Inverness Republican, explained that husbandry is raising and caring for animals. Bullard didn't get it.

''So that maybe was the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?'' Bullard asked, referring to a Connecticut case where a woman's suburban chimpanzee went mad and was shot.

After the unanimous committee vote, Rich predicted the bill would pass this year. She said bestiality used to be illegal in Florida, but the statute was ruled unconstitutional for being too broad.

_______________________________________

And the product of B Harris' bestiality conquests... you guessed it.

Insert red face here

My dad is so embarrassing sometimes...


Stop and Go

For the sake of this argument, let's just say that I lost two fingers in a knife fight with a gypsy. That being the case, I could still count on my one bad hand the amount of women that I feel comfortable with driving me around in a car. I am not entirely sure why this is, but I have my suspicions that it is because they lack sufficient brain power. My esteemed colleague, Dr. Aztayev Yamak would support this claim.

He has released a report "detailing the extreme differences in brain size between men and women. According to his report, women have brains "almost equal in size to the droppings of a rabbit" while men "have a brain with a 73 centimetre diameter. The man's brain is large, strong, and able to drown small children if tied to their feet"." You should probably accept this as 100% true. It was an exhaustive study.

I digress. I am not trying to say that women aren't good at things. They perform well when asked to press our shirts and pants or make us a sandwich or even fetch us a nice beer. But, the fact of the matter is that it is impossible, both in the physical and mental sense, for women to drive well. So the next time you are sitting in traffic on your way home from work, do not chalk the nuisance up to chance or circumstance. Believe you me, it is NOT road conditions, weather conditions, rush hour or God's will. It is women on the road. Or an accident. But you really can't have one of those without the other, can you? So, please sirs, blame them. Blame them hard.

I find a good way to do this (when you are sitting at a dead stop on the highway) is to look very friendly and smiley at the woman next to you, roll down your window and get her to do the same. After addressing her derogatorily yet appropriately (Sweet Tits or some such), explain to her that she is, in fact, at fault for the traffic jam. She will most likely be appalled. That is fine. At the deepest point of her shallow being, she knows it is true.

Example

3.12.2009

Embarrassing Sh*t (Literally)

This is just terrible. I don't know how else to describe it. Can you imagine if you were/knew this unfortunate girl?

Lunch!

If you hurry to the store, you can procure all the necessary items to make the following creation before lunchtime. As always, these eating disorder-inducing meals are courtesy of ThisIsWhyYou'reFat.com.










Meet the Porkgasm. Bacon strips, bacon sausage, ham sausage, ham slices, smoked pork sausage and roasted pork belly surrounded by ground sausage shaped into a pig, wrapped in bacon and roasted. Garnished with chili ears and tail.

I'd imagine this is what your intestines look like.

You Disgust Me

Yes, you. By a margin of more than 2 to 1, you, dear reader, have opted for inhumane behavior over delicious feline meat.

This story, for example, details the lengths to which some savvy restauranat proprietors will go to ensure only the finest meat is served.

----------------------

Cat Fight Over China's Feline Meat Trade

"It cost me seven Renminbi a pound," a man told me, pointing at a hessian sack. He had paid about 70p for cat meat at a southern China market.

As we chatted, the bag seemed to move by itself, emitting a plaintive 'meowing' sound.

The man had just bought four live cats, which he told me he had served up later that day to diners in his restaurant.

In China, the trade in live cat meat is thriving. By some estimates, 10 000 cats are sold and eaten every day in one city alone - mainly served up as kebabs or in Chinese-style hotpot.

------------------------------

The rest of that awesome article is here.

Best News Story Ever.

Man pleads guilty to indecent exposure

Court records say he was naked when he challenged his neighbors to karate fight.

By STEVE MARRONI

A Gettysburg man accused of walking out of his home naked, then challenging his neighbors to a karate fight pleaded guilty to charges of indecent exposure in Adams County court.

The charges filed against Gary Jones, 47, of 4820 Old Harrisburg Road, Lot 6, are considered a misdemeanor of the first degree since three of those who saw him naked are under the age of 16.

Under a plea agreement reached with the Adams County District Attorney's office, Jones will spend one month in jail, two months on house arrest and 21 months on probation, and is restricted from any contact with his neighbors. He is also to pay a $200 fine.

According to court documents, Jones was allegedly under the influence of alcohol when the Aug. 1 incident occurred.

He is accused of walking out of his home, completely naked. He walked up to Dennis Hucks, Gary Kerns and Andrea Orndorff, according to state police. He told the men he knew karate, and asked if they wanted to fight.

Huck's three children were playing in the yard at the time, according to court documents.

According to police, Jones said he knew leaving the house naked was illegal, but he was a "serious martial artist."

____________________________


My sources at google image told me the suspect looks somewhat similar to this badass.





















Or it could just be this guy

courtesy of dbb.

3.11.2009

Embarrassing Sh*t

Embarrassing things are funny if they don't happen to you. Here is a story about B Harris.

B Harris is trying to get in shape. He works out often, running and lifting weights and such. One day, not too long ago, B Harris decided that he wanted to go running outside, around Burke Lake in Northern Virginia. Now Burke Lake isn't huge, but if you run around the perimeter, it is about 4.5 miles or so of relatively flat ground. Not a bad jog, if you ask me. So B Harris starts out and finishes without any mess occurring, and needless to say he is winded after the run.

He cools down a tad, and the people he ran with decided that they want to play Frisbee Golf (disc golf, frolf to others). He reluctantly agrees to do this. You see, all this time a rumblin' has been churning in his stomach. He knows not what it means, but he doesn't like it. It makes him nervous.

As they begin their round, B Harris is the last to throw off of the first tee. He unleashes a mighty drive, the disc careening toward the basket. His opponents are impressed. But they do not know that the disc was not the only thing he unleashed. Gasp, you say. B Harris is frozen in place. Tushy clinched. Asstonished.

You guessed it. He sharted his drawers. Now, most of us have likely experienced this unfortunate event at some point in our lives. What can you really do? So, with cheeks taut, he informs his opponents about his situation (they were not impressed, yet wholly amused) and waddles up to the bathroom to clean himself. He was ashamed. Add another blemish to a long list of skidmarks.

The End.

And by B Harris, I mean me.

3.10.2009

Funny Sh*t

I had a real hard time keeping myself from laughing out loud while reading this at work. I started to tear up. But I like infantile humor.

Using the Magic 8 ball to answer emails.

Oh, Kenny Powers

I'd been hearing a lot about Eastbound and Down from a couple of different people, but hadn't had the chance to catch an episode until last night. I ended up watching the first couple and I thought it was hilarious. I mean, if you don't mind obscene language, Danny McBride, gratuitous nudity and some more bad language, then I think you would like the show as well.

It comes on at 10:30pm, Sunday on HBO. And for my HBO on demand it was under something like Earth to the Moon or something like that. Just an FYI.

Here is a clip.

Apparently, our voters are not alone.

Women Should Be Hit for Dressing Sexy in Public, 1 in 7 Believe

Monday, March 09, 2009

________________________________________

One in seven people believe it is acceptable in some circumstances for a man to hit his wife or girlfriend if she is dressed in “sexy or revealing clothes in public”, according to the findings of a survey released today.

A similar number believed that it was all right for a man to slap his wife or girlfriend if she is “nagging or constantly moaning at him”.

The findings of the poll, conducted for the Home Office, also disclosed about a quarter of people believe that wearing sexy or revealing clothing should lead to a woman being held partly responsible for being raped or sexually assaulted.

_________________________________________

Well these findings are quite ridiculous. Needless to say, my favorite part is the second sentence.

Whole Article Here

courtesy of N. Lachey

3.09.2009

Spiting Cheeze

Amateur footage of Cheeze's mother.

The Secret Life of Bs Harris

Unbeknownst to me and thanks to B Harris, our blog apparently has a new theme... cute animals. In keeping with our new-found machismo, I thought I would post some of B Harris' favorite pictures. For some reason he feels there is a need to email me pictures like these every single morning to "brighten up my day." There is little doubt that I could kick a 10 yard field goal with each of the following. And then make a delicious pie or stew out of the remains.





Dog humor > cat anything

It's generally a good rule of thumb to ignore mass, forwarded emails from you mother when thinking of blog fodder, but this was particularly adorable.


Takes the Cake.

This world is inundated with terrible, confounding and ridiculous black people names on a daily basis. More and more kids are now named la-, da- or ja-something. The lady in this article might just take the cake. Can you even imagine?

________________________________________

A woman named Marijuana plays it straight - and wins

Posted: Mar. 7, 2009

Police years ago pulled over a young woman who rushed through an amber traffic light. "I'm about to arrest this person right now," the irritated officer radioed to a dispatcher. "She's telling me her name is Marijuana Pepsi Jackson."

It's the truth. Marijuana and Pepsi are her legal first and middle names, and the Beloit woman embraces them as a symbol of her struggle to succeed and to help other children overcome obstacles.

No Mary or Mary Jane or Mary Wanda for her. It's Marijuana, thank you, she's told bosses, co-workers and friends over the years, and even wore it on nametags at work.


Sawyer's mother, Maggie Johnson, picked her name. Her father objected but lost the argument. To this day, a lot of family members and best buds call her Pepsi.

....
In case you're wondering, she said she never once smoked the stuff and prefers orange soda. (Shocker)

__________________________________________

whole article here


Please comment with other real life ridiculous names.

courtesy of dbb

3.06.2009

Spring Collection, Part 1

If you purchase one badass, tough motherf*cking article of clothing this spring, that is guaranteed to get you laid, let it be a pair of these:




















"Simple and durable, these stonewashed seven-pocket cargo shorts are made from a lightweight denim that is perfect for spring."

Known in some circles as the "Gravity Accelerators," for the speed with which women's undergarments are dropped when brought in direct contact with these shorts, they are a must-have.

Honest to God, I have yet to not get laid whilst wearing these babies, whether it be at the locale watering hole, the gym, Subway, Blockbuster, etc. The list literally goes on and on.
Oh yeah, there was that 3-way at the NASCAR race as well.

And for those with the means and testicular fortitude, might I suggest splurging on the matching visor seen below.


What is your problem?

As this weeks poll comes to a close, it is readily apparent that a ridiculously high percentage of our readers would condone beating a woman. This bothers me for a couple reasons. First, it means that the few women we have reading this blog: a) do not take the time to vote (trollops); b) are just a tad loony; or c) are fond of practicing masochism. Second, the sirs that voted are terrified of herpes. From what I can tell from my conversations with B Harris, it isn't as bad as it seems. Sure there are days where his nether regions resemble the complexion of his back and face in high school, but it goes away in due time.

In other news, we've added a couple features that you may or may not have noticed. The weekly poll for instance. There is also a new feature that allows you to email posts to your friends and family and ridicule us as much as you'd like. Also, you can become a lemming of the blog. If you don't know what a lemming is, then I think you should probably just walk your pretty tush up to a cliff and take a nice little jump. This world does not need you.

There is a new poll up. Your participation is not optional.

Music to listen to whilst you eat your ham sandwich at your cube, alone

Band of Horses - The Great Salt Lake


Doves - Snowden



B Harris' Sister Suspect in Robbery

Thirsty bar thief shows a fair bit of cheek

March 6th, 2009

A THIEF has been caught on a surveillance camera with his (her) pants down.

The (wo)man broke into a Darwin bar early yesterday, where (s)he proceeded to take off his (her) clothes and wander around before taking off down the street in the nude.

A manager at Squires Tavern in Edmund St arrived at the bar yesterday morning to find someone had used a brick to smash a window and break in.

When staff checked the security footage they found a (wo)man had broken into the bar about 6am and started drinking the pub's top-shelf liquor.

Things got even stranger when the (wo)man took off his (her) clothes and started wandering around the premises.

Footage showed the (wo)man wearing nothing, before returning to grab his (her) clothes.

(S)He then walked out with his (her) clothes in his (her) hand and turned down Edmund St in his (her) birthday suit.

Police are investigating the break-in.

It is believed about $4000 worth of alcohol was taken.






Footage showed the thief left wearing nothing, before returning to grab his (her) clothes








Courtesy of DBB

3.05.2009

Sleepwalking Fail

Maybe the best one ever.

Thanks to BennyMac

"This doesn't taste like Mommy's PB&J"

When I was 12, I was eagerly anticipating the onset of puberty. In retrospect, my eagerness could have been toned down a notch, given that I still had 7-8 long years ahead of me.

When David Fishman was 12, which is right now, he was quickly becoming one of the most popular food critics in Manhattan.

Sounds about right.

Ridiculous article here.

Well, my head hurts

Stupid gypsies and their crazy mathematics. Actually, this is pretty clever.

The Best There Is

This is hardly breaking news, but Late Night with Conan O'Brien had it's final episode almost 2 weeks ago. I think I speak for anyone with a half a brain and/or a sense of humor when I say that he is far and away the best late-night host around. His combination of razor-sharp wit and self-deprecating humor has placed him head and shoulders above the likes of Leno (deliveries are awful, the writing may even be worse), Letterman (better than Leno, but that is like saying herpes is better than HIV), Ferguson (not awful, not good), Daly (honestly - has this guy ever said a funny word? at any point? why did they think he would be a good late-night talk show host? TRL viewers are in bed long before he comes on).

So Conan moves to the West Coast and takes over the coveted 11:30 spot from Leno on NBC. It will be interesting, to say the least. I'm hopeful that his brand of ridiculousness
(i.e., the masturbating bear) will be tolerated an hour earlier and he won't lose any of his edge.

In any event, here's to you Conan. Below is his last episode, if you happen to have 45 minutes handy.

EDIT: It occurs to me I didn't mention the Jimmy's - Kimmel and Fallon, that is. I've never been that high on Jimmy Kimmel. When I was 14, I thought the Man Show was funny, but he has never really done it for me. I've seen various clips of his that I think are pretty good, but if I'm honest, he's a wash (despite good ratings, apparently). As for Conan's replacement, the latter Jimmy, color me skeptical with a dark brush. Jimmy's shtick is very limited and I'm not sure it will translate well to a hosting role. Granted, he was occasionally really good on SNL, and I thought Weekend Update with him was solid, although it was him reading from a script. It will be interesting to see how he does on his feet with guests (where Conan shined).


Take me Home, Country Roads.

I live here. Jealous?

Decades later, the state is still battling some of the core problems underlying those stereotypes. More than 40 percent of the state’s older adults are toothless—the highest rate in the nation, according to the CDC. Nearly a third of all adults have lost six or more teeth. And because the state's Medicaid and Medicare programs do not generally reimburse for dentures or routine care for adults, and rates of dental insurance are low, West Virginians often end up living without teeth or with painful decay that looks all too much like the plastic "hillbilly teeth" still sold for Halloween. Compounding both the image and health issues, the state has the nation's highest rate of chewing-tobacco use and is among the top three states for tobacco use in general. Meanwhile, Huntington has the less-than-stellar honor of being the nation's unhealthiest city—a place where 50 percent of adults are obese. And, while the high-school graduation rate (72 percent) is two points above the national average, close to a fifth of the state lives in poverty.

Another excerpt

The annual Road Kill Cook-Off in Pocahontas, for instance, features dishes you're unlikely to see at your local restaurant, including intestine-challenging "flat cat," "bumper bruised bear" and "deer schmear fajitas." The mere mention of it puts a hard edge in the governor's voice. "Are they still running that s––– down south?" he asks an aide in disbelief, before adding: "Well, I tell you what, if you see [the organizer], kill the son of a bitch."


You can read the whole article here.

There are some high points.

Thanks to Phil for the article.

3.04.2009

Somewhere, Bear Grylls is smiling

Well this thing is mighty cool, especially for those of you who actually leave the couch to do more than refill your Mountain Dew during World of Warcraft breaks (coughCheeze).

With one zip and two clips, it changes from a jacket to a rucksack that can carry your extra gear (read: beers, unfiltered Marlboro Reds, and various camouflage apparel).

The RuckJack

Depp + Bale + Mann = Yes, please

Public Enemies, released on 1 July.


It's not me, it's you.

Do you know what is a huge pain in the ass and not even necessary? Tying your shoes. For some inexplicable reason, it has become a cultural norm to lace up every single day, multiple times a day. This has happened for one reason and one reason only. Women. I blame you. If it weren't for you and your materialistic, judgmental, fashion-conscious ways, all men could be wearing Velcro shoes all the time, for any/every occasion. Velcro dress shoes, yes please.

It would be glorious. No more bending over in the middle of a crowded shopping mall whilst being dragged around looking for things that make her look not fat. No more worrying about going up escalators (and we know how much you fatties love doing that) because your shoelaces may be untied. Think about how many funny things you have probably missed because you've had to stop, lean down and take your eyes off the world. It is a big stupid hassle, having laces that is, and we will never forgive you (at least not until our shoes are on your floor).

Fellas, the next time your shoes come untied, please do not bend over and re-tie them. I would like you to stop, find the closest Betty in the vicinity and bid, nay order her to tie your shoes. As she is doing this and any other deed she may perform whilst on her knees, explain to her that it is, in essence, her very own fault; that womankind is guilty for stupid untied laces. You can endeavor to explain the science and inherent advantages of Velcro, but she will most likely not understand. It is a lost cause I am afraid, a battle we can not win, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.


Check out these rad shoes. This guy is fighting the good fight and at the same time oozing sexuality.

3.03.2009

Crazy Asians are at it again!

You guessed it, it's Chinese Stunt Week at the Cherry Blossom Festival in Guangzhou, China! Below are some of the more grotesque images.
















This guy is trying to break steal wire with special breathing techniques. I would have gone with the wire cutters. Definitely wire cutters.
















How else would you pull a car? With your arms or legs?! Scoff. Eyelids is the way to go. That's eyelids.































Last but not least - this particular gentleman thought it wise to let a snake crawl betwixt his nose/mouth. I hope it laid eggs in his sinus cavity and each time he blows his nose, a baby snake comes flying out. Like a party favor, only deadly.

In fact, it brings to mind another picture...





Rotten Eggs huh?

Rotting Eggs are New Vi-eggra
By EMMA MORTON
Health Editor

Published: Today

THE Smell of Rotting Eggs Gives Men an Erection.

And the bizarre finding could help doctors to develop a more effective version of the sex drug Viagra, boffins say.

A gas called hydrogen sulphide – also released when eggs rot and from the exhausts of cars with catalytic converters – is given out by men just before they have sex.

Tiny amounts of it are released by nerve cells in a man's private part to prepare it for intercourse, a study found.

The gas causes muscle cells in the region to relax, boosting blood flow, and leading to a better erection.

Viagra, however, harnesses a different chemical – nitric oxide – to give users a boost.

But one third of men have found the drug ineffective.

The discovery could now help to improve the sex lives of countless men.

Researchers, from the University of Naples in Italy, made the finding in a study of eight men who had sex-change ops.

Study leader Professor Giuseppe Cirino said: "We found that hydrogen sulphide is involved in human penile erection.

"That was proved in this study.

"Of course, the hydrogen sulphide pathway represents a new therapeutic target for erectile dysfunction and it should be possible in future to develop drugs that either deliver hydrogen sulphide or that control the hydrogen sulphide production."

The research was published in the scientific journal the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.



courtesy of dbb

The colossal prick even managed to sound magnanimous

I love Thomas Newman. You may know his name from seeing it below the "Original Score by" line in some of the best movies of the past few decades. Just have a look at some of the beauties that Newman has been responsible for:

1998: Meet Joe Black
1999: American Beauty
1999: The Green Mile
2001: Six Feet Under
2002: Road to Perdition
2005: Cinderella Man
2008: WALL-E
2008: Revolutionary Road

And while these are all brilliant in their own right, none of them hold a candle to my personal favorite: the original score for The Shawkshank Redemption. While I could write about this film for hours on end, I'll stick to just the music for now. Below are two of my favorite scenes.

Suds on the Roof (music actually starts at 3:30 or so, but the entire thing is amazing)



Final Scene



Best of luck not tearing up.

3.02.2009

Eat this, then run for 7 years straight

And you'll be back at square one. From everyone's favorite gag-inducing site, This Is Why You're Fat, comes the 30,000 Calorie Sandwich.













"Sandwich filled with ground beef, bacon, corn dogs, ham, pastrami, roast beef, bratwurst, braunschweiger and turkey, topped with fried mushrooms, onion rings, swiss/provolone/cheddar/feta/parmesan cheeses, lettuce and butter on a loaf white bread."

Buy this.

I think everyone should buy this coat. You can find it in stores or at jcrew.com. Get two today. Khaki, size Medium.


Sutherland trench coat






















Specially coated cotton/nylon from a top-quality mill in Italy. It's on our Always List because every man should have a trench coat—and our beltless Sutherland is the only one you'll ever need. It's a laid-back, all-weather design, updated with new interior details. Hidden button-tabs at the collar and lower front placket prevent it from blowing open when the wind picks up. Adjustable button-tabs at cuffs. Exterior waist pockets, interior pockets. Center back vent. Partially lined. Import. Dry clean.

198 Bones, but well worth it.

Paint.

Man, talk about mastering the art of Microsoft Paint. Please see the wonderfully accurate depiction in this article.

I guess I have a lot of work left to do.