Stop and Go

For the sake of this argument, let's just say that I lost two fingers in a knife fight with a gypsy. That being the case, I could still count on my one bad hand the amount of women that I feel comfortable with driving me around in a car. I am not entirely sure why this is, but I have my suspicions that it is because they lack sufficient brain power. My esteemed colleague, Dr. Aztayev Yamak would support this claim.

He has released a report "detailing the extreme differences in brain size between men and women. According to his report, women have brains "almost equal in size to the droppings of a rabbit" while men "have a brain with a 73 centimetre diameter. The man's brain is large, strong, and able to drown small children if tied to their feet"." You should probably accept this as 100% true. It was an exhaustive study.

I digress. I am not trying to say that women aren't good at things. They perform well when asked to press our shirts and pants or make us a sandwich or even fetch us a nice beer. But, the fact of the matter is that it is impossible, both in the physical and mental sense, for women to drive well. So the next time you are sitting in traffic on your way home from work, do not chalk the nuisance up to chance or circumstance. Believe you me, it is NOT road conditions, weather conditions, rush hour or God's will. It is women on the road. Or an accident. But you really can't have one of those without the other, can you? So, please sirs, blame them. Blame them hard.

I find a good way to do this (when you are sitting at a dead stop on the highway) is to look very friendly and smiley at the woman next to you, roll down your window and get her to do the same. After addressing her derogatorily yet appropriately (Sweet Tits or some such), explain to her that she is, in fact, at fault for the traffic jam. She will most likely be appalled. That is fine. At the deepest point of her shallow being, she knows it is true.


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