It's not me, it's you.

Do you know what is a huge pain in the ass and not even necessary? Tying your shoes. For some inexplicable reason, it has become a cultural norm to lace up every single day, multiple times a day. This has happened for one reason and one reason only. Women. I blame you. If it weren't for you and your materialistic, judgmental, fashion-conscious ways, all men could be wearing Velcro shoes all the time, for any/every occasion. Velcro dress shoes, yes please.

It would be glorious. No more bending over in the middle of a crowded shopping mall whilst being dragged around looking for things that make her look not fat. No more worrying about going up escalators (and we know how much you fatties love doing that) because your shoelaces may be untied. Think about how many funny things you have probably missed because you've had to stop, lean down and take your eyes off the world. It is a big stupid hassle, having laces that is, and we will never forgive you (at least not until our shoes are on your floor).

Fellas, the next time your shoes come untied, please do not bend over and re-tie them. I would like you to stop, find the closest Betty in the vicinity and bid, nay order her to tie your shoes. As she is doing this and any other deed she may perform whilst on her knees, explain to her that it is, in essence, her very own fault; that womankind is guilty for stupid untied laces. You can endeavor to explain the science and inherent advantages of Velcro, but she will most likely not understand. It is a lost cause I am afraid, a battle we can not win, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

Check out these rad shoes. This guy is fighting the good fight and at the same time oozing sexuality.


  1. What a flattering shot of B. Harris...have you been working out, B. Harris?

  2. The solution, I've found, is to wear cowboy boots in all situations.