Pillow Fight

Driving at night. Wearing that two-piece. Getting those bangs. Grilling. Not washing the dishes. Speaking without being spoken to. Those are just a few examples of the bad ideas that women have from time to time. They are all poor choices in their own right, but they do not compare to the folly that occurs when women decide on the amount of pillows needed for a bed.


Four pillows is an acceptable number. A tad excessive for my taste, but I do understand that there are some people that enjoy being propped more than I when it comes to sleep. Any amount of proppage can be attained with two pillows. That's all you need. Two pillows max for one person, with a maximum of two people per bed, that equals four pillows. No need for more. When you get beyond that, it turns out that pillows are just a f*cking hassle. You have to take the excess pillows off of the bed. You have to find a suitable spot to place said pillows. Extra pillows take up room. After going through the tedious task of making a bed, you then have to put some ungodly amount of pillows back onto the bed in a symmetrical, color-coordinated, perfectly-aligned sort of way.

Whatever aesthetic value that comes from having the useless pillows on the bed is overwhelmingly trumped by the pain-in-the-assedness that is the process of putting them there in the first place. A bed looks fine with just four pillows. It really, truly does. All of us promise you. Please stop putting more than four pillows on the bed, or we will (a) refuse to make the bed under any circumstance, or (b) use those pillows to stifle the moans of your best friend while we nail her out of spite.

Sincerely,
Men