J'accuse

There are some quality shows on television these days. I am quite fond of 30 Rock and The Office. I enjoy Jeopardy and Chuck. I like watching Bear Grylls and Iron Chef and Animal Planet. Aside from the few I mentioned, any I didn't not forget, and the classics that are in constant syndication (i.e. seinfeld, scrubs, etc..) the rest of the stuff you see on television is just complete rubbish. Lost, 90210, The Hills, Grey's Anatomy, American Idol, The Bachelor, John and Kate plus 8, America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, So you think you can dance?, Desperate Housewives, Gilmore Girls, Gossip Girls, Girls Next Door... an unending list of shows that I would never ever care to watch. I would only tune in to The Biggest Loser if it was the version that told the autobiographical story of B Harris.

"Who watches this filth?", you may be wondering. That's right. Women. Since the inception of the television, ratings have indicated that you can put any type of crap you want on the tube and girls will flock to their couches and Papasan Chairs (don't get me started). I think this is one of the main reasons that Billy Mays has become so popular. If not for women, this guy would not be on TV as much as he is. Therefore, and this is not the only reason, I blame you, ladies, for Billy Mays. Because you have godawful taste in television programming, and he certainly falls into that category.

Just flip on the tube and you will see his stupid face and hear his incessant yelling during almost every commercial break, advertising one of the following...

Orange Glo,
Kaboom,
Engrave It,
Handy Switch,
iCan,
Mighty Mend-It
Mighty Putty,
Hercules Hook,
AwesomeAuger,
Steam Buddy,
Zorbeez,
Big City Slider Station,
The Ding King,
ESPN 360,
Energize
And last but certainly not least, the product that brought Mr. Mays into our lives, seemingly forever, Oxi-Clean.

This product in particular leads me to my second blaming point and is further proof that women are responsible for his illustrious career as a nuisance.

I don't even really need to ask this, as it goes unstated in nearly every household in America, but who does the laundry? Mmmhmm. No answer necessary. Now, if women would just know their lot in life, do their jobs properly and learn how to get stains out of clothes with effort, not some magical powder, then there wouldn't have ever been any need nor market for Oxi-clean. It wouldn't have become a best seller, and William D. Mays would have been an obnoxious blip on our collective radar. But no, since girls love being lazy and are always looking for short-cuts, they bought. and bought. They nagged for a while, probably didn't bake me a nice pie, and then they bought some more. It was a damn slippery slope and now I am here, stuck at the f*cking bottom, scrambling for the f*cking remote every time one of his f*cking commercials comes on.

So, let's be fair. Every time a Billy Mays commercial comes on, the woman in your life and TV room has to dance seductively in front of the screen until the advertisement has ended. If you are in same situation as your father and this punishment would actually be worse than watching a Billy Mays commercial, then just have them fetch you a beer and make you some nachos. Make sure to spill said nachos on your nice white shirt or couch. Throw out the Oxi-clean and let that elbow grease go to work. I know it is no consolation for what they are putting us through, but it is the thought that counts.