Valentine's Day Gift Ideas

As you well know, this Saturday is the dreaded Valentine's Day, a fake holiday created by the jackasses of Hallmark and the like. Now I, for one, already purchased me lady's present - a new set of Gillette Mach 4 razor replacements. But for those of you who are ill-equipped to make the trip to the mall and pick out a real winner, allow AU to suggest some quality gifts:

New apron and cleaning supplies - This gift is really special because it shows that you care about her appearance, specifically the cleanliness of her her low-cut shirt. The apron/cleaning supplies combo should do nicely to protect her bosom whilst she makes you sandwiches and promptly cleans up her special zone, aka the kitchen.

Rickshaw - Nothing says love like a human-powered Asian transport.

Year supply of diet pills (not necessarily approved by the FDA) - Now you may be thinking, "Hold on a minute, that is insensitive". To which I reply, "enjoy your whale." It is critical to ensure that your girl is svelte, and these little magic pills will take care of that as well as potentially causing irreparable tissue damage!

Breast augmentation - Because anything less than a DD means you're not a real woman.

The new driver you've been eying -
Convincing her that this gift is not actually for you is a slippery beast. Might I suggest asking to borrow the driver immediately after she opens it.

ProActiv treatment kit - Any blemish, however small, is completely and utterly unacceptable.

Breath mints - Because that caesar salad she had for lunch yesterday isn't going to take care of itself.

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