Deny, Deny, Deny!

It seems an apt time of year to post this article. The two days you have until V-Day should be plenty of time to digest the ideas, come to terms with them, and then promptly return that nice gift you purchased in hope of scoring fellatio or a back rub or some nice quality hand holding. The following essay comes from the old iambetterthanyou.com and since it is no longer published on the site, I had some trouble finding a copy of the text. Unfortunately, ladies, I did.
Learn it, live it, love it.


How to Treat Your Inferior Mate

Men often say to me, "I know my mate is inferior, but how can I treat her as such?" When first posed with this question I laughed at how stupid it was, since treating my many mates (classic alliteration) poorly was something that came so naturally to me. But as I was asked time and time again, I began realize that most guys are not blessed with the gift of degradation. In light of that, I have decided to offer some helpful hints to all the tripods out there that are not pulling their weight in this male dominated world. Now, there are a myriad ways to put your sexual property in her place. The possibilities are literally endless. I have provided just a few examples below, but they should be enough to get you well on your way to walking all over that special little girl of yours.

Choose drinking with your friends over quality time with her on a regular basis. It is imperative that this precedent is set very early in the relationship. Putting her second is a sure-fire way of instilling a deep-seated feeling of inferiority. She will feel this the most when you come home drunk, laughing with glee, and ask her how her night was. As a night of solitude, reading Cosmo and watching Lifetime, pops out of her short-term memory, her self-esteem will plummet and as a result she will do anything to feel appreciated. That's when you nail her. I normally go for powerful sex with no passion, but that's just me.

Mid-day, February 14th, announce to your lover with pride that you will not be participating in Valentine's Day anymore. Allow for a dramatic pause and enjoy the look of shock/confusion/sadness on her face. Then simply explain that it is a stupid money making scheme invented by Hallmark that is designed to get you in a spending war with the boyfriend down the street. If this is too strong for your tastes ( i.e. you have no sack) then you can follow up with something like "Wouldn't it be more special if I showed you that I loved you on an unexpected day?" Though, there is merit to your argument, this is still a dick move and she'll feel it in the bottom of her heart. After accepting your decision, she may insist on giving you a gift regardless either out of principle or in a futile effort to make you feel guilty. In response, give her a tube of KY jelly. Then nail her.

Cheat on her and get caught while you're at it. This will make any girl feel like an ineffectual little nothing in your life. There are two (2) options available to you at this point. The first is summed up in one simple phrase, "Deny, deny, deny. Always counter accuse." Even if she catches you in the act, never admit to anything. If she starts to back you in a corner, accuse her of sleeping with her male tennis partner. Once you got her on the defensive, keep pushing until she gives up or apologizes for what she has done "wrong". Afterwards, consider nailing her. The second option is to say something like, "Hey, look at the bright side. At least I'm not sleeping with your friends." This option doesn't really accomplish anything; it is just ironically hilarious because you have been nailing her friends for months.

Let's summarize what you've learned:

1. Remember to put her second.
2. Just say no to Valentine's Day.
3. Deny, deny, deny. Always counter accuse.

If your mind is not reeling with a maelstrom of heartless ideas by now, then you either have the intelligence of a strap-on or are an incendiary homosexual. If the former is true then you should concentrate on things like eating without hurting yourself. If the latter is true then…well…good luck with all THAT.