Beer Muscles

Yesterday, we examined some of the poor decisions that females make on a day-to-day basis. In an effort to put all of our readership under such scrutiny, I thought I would look at some of the idiotic ways that their counterparts act, in this particular case, whilst drinking.

Some time ago some person said, and I am paraphrasing here, that the first thing that dissolves in alcohol is dignity. Now, I think that is a truth that we can all hold to be self-evident. Men (and women, just not in this post) will do a wide variety of things when they are deep in their pints/bottles/fifths. I personally like to admonish people with obscenities from the safety of a cab. Men are also liable to: cry into their beers, wallowing in self-pity; shoot fake jump shots whilst walking along Wisconsin Ave, in front of other people no less; unrealistically believe they can get the sexiest piece in the bar; go home with her friend, an orange-tinted, straw-haired beauty instead; not be able to perform; cry; eat exorbitant amounts of pizza; dance like they have never danced before; fall out of chairs; pee (and if you are really unfortunate/drunk, poo) your pants; go into impromptu performances of West Side Story (this might just be me and my friends); believe they are unbeatable at bar/drinking games; punch walls when they lose; and one last thing, (that always seems to overtake some Meshugener) grow beer muscles.

I am not exactly sure why this happens. I surmise it is because all these guys have too much pent up aggression. It could be sexual frustration, envy, jealousy or just plain old ignorance. They get all liquored up and don't know how to control themselves. It is really quite obnoxious and I would imagine a sizable turn-off for the ladies who, on the off chance, might be willing to let them grope and harass their unmentionables.

I don't think it will ever really stop, but guys, if you are reading this and are prone to beer muscles, I curse you. (Most likely with a killer spell uttered under my breath from the back of a speeding taxi.)


This guy will eat you.

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